Infrared Dating

In the show Love Smart, Part 1, Dr. Phil helps three single women quickly find out important information about the men they meet on three-minute dates. He uses his techniques from Chapter Nine, Infrared Dating, of his book, Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got.


In this chapter, he empowers women with information-gathering tactics that will start real, substantive conversations and set up key situations for them to observe, in order to get the real scoop on where they are and could be headed. Dr. Phil has developed a series of questions and guideposts that women can, with considerable reliability, use to predict where these guys will come down on the issues that really matter to them  — marriage, family, respect and values.

When asking these questions, you have to listen for subtleties, make simple inferences and watch for patterns. While they are good predictors, these indications are far from 100 percent accurate, so you have to rely on all the information available — your observations of his tone, body language and behavior. And trust your own instincts.

The following are five critical areas of interest:

1. Will he marry me or is he commitment-phobic?
In order to find out the answer to this question, you will have to ask indirect, "softball" questions that will allow the man to reveal his thoughts on marriage without panicking. Some areas to ask about are:

2. Will he be a loving and nurturing father?
Ask and pay attention to the following areas:

The answers to these questions will demonstrate the type of parenting style he admires and intends to follow.


3. Will he treat me well?
Use some of the observations you've already made to figure out what kind of husband the guy will make, and analyze the following areas:

4. Does he have any major flaws?
The following questions will help you determine if you are dealing with a man of integrity or with a man who will become a nightmare. To see how well-balanced a guy is, take note of the following:

5. How well does he fit my needs for the Character of Him?
In chapter two of Love Smart, Dr. Phil has women figure out what they need and desire in a guy. Going through the areas of personality, social skills, relational style, spiritual compatibility and appearance, she will discover what qualities will make up her Mr. Almost Perfect. You want to feel like the guy is worthy of you and has a lot of what you want in a partner. Use the information you learned in chapter two and pay attention to the following:

If you want to learn quickly about the guy you're dating, these lines of questioning and observations will get you there. "Not only will talking about things that matter advance the relationship at a record pace, but it will distinguish you in his mind as a substantive individual," Dr. Phil explains. These questions open meaningful topics and help you see which men meet your agenda. They also help you find out intimate details about his life. Remember, act natural and don't make it an oral exam. Start by mentioning something about your life and show some vulnerability, and then ask him some of these questions. "If you listen, just listen, not only will he tell you exactly how to close the deal, but will help you figure out whether it's a deal you want to make in the first place."

To learn more, go to Chapter Nine in Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got. To read an excerpt, click here.