Topic : What it is like living day to day with chronic pain:

Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 07:22:22 am

Author : katlover

My therapist advised me to keep a diary to help me to recover from major depressive disorder associated with chronic pain, several injuries from an accident I was involved in almost six years ago, the resulting traumas to my body, learning to accept who I am right now and carry on with my life they way it is rather than the way it was.

I believe that in sharing our stories with each other it can help others and in that way we can help ourselves. No man or woman is an island completely alone and separate.

I have had chronic pain for almost six years now. Constant burning pain in and around the left knee, some burning pain in the right knee both resulting from permanent nerve damage, muscle pain from myofacial pain syndrome, arthritus pain in every joint, back & hip pain from damaged discs in my lower back and the very real physical pain from major depressive disorder.

This picture is what my back looked like the day after I had the trial surgery for a spinal cord stimulator implant done on 7/12/04. It was successful and the real implant surgery was done on 8/4/04. I use a remote device to turn it on when the pain in my left knee drives me crazy. And it also blocks some ot the back pain from the discs and some of the pain in my hips. The leads were placed at T-10. Unfortunately, this surgery has caused some urinary incontinence. Jerry Lewis also had this sugery last year and he is doing very well. I hope he doesn't pee his pants though!

It has been a nightmare and a learning experience all at the same time. I feel like these years were stolen from my life some of the time. The rest of the time I am pushing myself to feel better and LIVE my life. I have been successful at this most of the time. But I tell ya there are days............................

Nancy

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katlover

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November 3, 2005, 10:14 pm

I Had Seven Really Good Days:

But today, was not so good. This time I know what caused it because I know how the routine was for the last week.

Stress! I am so worried about paying my bills. I got cut off notices this weekend for the water and the electricity! I was late paying my October house payment; did it today along with the water bill. Now it seems I have to come up with $124 for electricity by the 8th five days away. I cannot borrow any more money from Deb.

I am so backed into a corner right now and hence the stress. Lots of bills must be paid right away; most urgent is car and electricity. They are past due now.

The Social Security Administration will be making their decision about my application for total disability on the 5th. I won't know the answer till about the 7th. What a crunch.

I haven't even considered what to do if they reject the application. I can't work. This is a very scary time for me right now. I feel hopeless and worried that I will loose everything.

There is not enough room in Deb's house. I have no money to go to my kids in Atlanta. I can't believe my oldest daughter refuse to assist me during this time. They don't believe in lending money to family. They don't mind borrowing it from me though when I had it.

I think I need to call my counselor tomorrow early in the morning for an emergency appointment. I am freaky about this and feel myself going down into the deep dark tunnel of depression and despair again. My thoughts are that I would rather not be alive than witness the repossession of my car and my home too. I have almost run out of time and have certainly run out of options to pay my bills.

I feel as if I have no one to turn to now. I feel very alone and scared. I feel like my kids have let me down during this waiting time. It has been a roller coaster since I applied on July 7th.

I have worked so hard all my life. I have battled these injuries and illnesses for almost six years. I have fough very hard to keep from losing everything I have ever worked for. I feel like the fight is out of me. What is there left to do? I did my best. If I lose this from Social Security and cannot maintain my independence and life there is nothing really left to live for.

I am so tired now. I just want to lay down and forget about everything.

But there is a little ray of hope. I want to come back here in a few days; knowing that they approved my application and be thankful after I read this diary entry then that they did and I can continue to live.

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