Topic : What it is like living day to day with chronic pain:

Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 07:22:22 am

Author : katlover

My therapist advised me to keep a diary to help me to recover from major depressive disorder associated with chronic pain, several injuries from an accident I was involved in almost six years ago, the resulting traumas to my body, learning to accept who I am right now and carry on with my life they way it is rather than the way it was.

I believe that in sharing our stories with each other it can help others and in that way we can help ourselves. No man or woman is an island completely alone and separate.

I have had chronic pain for almost six years now. Constant burning pain in and around the left knee, some burning pain in the right knee both resulting from permanent nerve damage, muscle pain from myofacial pain syndrome, arthritus pain in every joint, back & hip pain from damaged discs in my lower back and the very real physical pain from major depressive disorder.

This picture is what my back looked like the day after I had the trial surgery for a spinal cord stimulator implant done on 7/12/04. It was successful and the real implant surgery was done on 8/4/04. I use a remote device to turn it on when the pain in my left knee drives me crazy. And it also blocks some ot the back pain from the discs and some of the pain in my hips. The leads were placed at T-10. Unfortunately, this surgery has caused some urinary incontinence. Jerry Lewis also had this sugery last year and he is doing very well. I hope he doesn't pee his pants though!

It has been a nightmare and a learning experience all at the same time. I feel like these years were stolen from my life some of the time. The rest of the time I am pushing myself to feel better and LIVE my life. I have been successful at this most of the time. But I tell ya there are days............................

Nancy

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katlover

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frustrated

November 5, 2005, 12:29 am

A Little Better Today:

But still worried about how to get the money to pay my bills. Today SSA was to have made their decision to accept or deny my application for total disability.

It is coming down to the wire now. I should hear something on Monday the 7th. But:

My electricity is scheduled to be cut off on the 8th. I thought I was enrolled in the special program for the elderly and disabled and electricity is to not be disconnected from Nov. 1 to March 31. I will call them first thing Monday morning and get down to social services right away to ask for help.
I have not made my car payment for October and have no funds coming in any time soon. Unless the disability is approved.
Telephone bill will be due in two weeks. They cut off right away around here.
I haven't paid my mortgage for Nov. yet.
My car insurance is due on the 9th.
All my credit cards (3) haven't been paid for three months. I owe about 6 thousand total. Every month there is interest and late fees.
I have only $5 left on food stamps and don't get paid again until the 10th. 6 days.
I need to buy pet food and cat litter and have only $20 to last me until Dec. 1.
My gas tank has less than 1/4 left.

I can't even ask Deb to help me anymore. I borrowed almost a seven hundred dollars from her but paid her 300 when I got the check from AFLAC.

Honesly in about five days I will begin to have things cut off and repoed and do not know what to do about it. Social Services helps people pay their rent but if you own a house they can't help you.

I have not been able to find a place that has flu shot doses and my doctor insists that I get that shot because I am so high risk.

The last two days I have been taking extra pain pills ( I don't always use what I need so I have some stored up) and valium to relax. My hands hurt so freaking bad; deep intense ache from finger tips to elbows.

My doctor's office called at 4 and I did not get the message until after 5 when they were closed. The nurse asked me to call right away. I am wondering if it is about the liver function test or the rhumatoid arthritus test results. Normally they ask you to call a special automated number for test results. So now I have the entire weekend to worry if I have RA or something is wrong with my liver.

One good thing happened today. My mammogram came back with no indications of breast cancer.

Monday night I am going to call all my siblings and my two daughters to ask for money to help me through the next two weeks. I will wait until after the mail comes though. I could have a yes from the SSA.

I am so tired of living this way. Depending on someone else to make a decision that determines my future ability to survive and live independently.

I have three doctors visits next week. A rhumatologist on Tuesday. My shrink on Wed. My counselor on Friday. Gee, I have someplace to go next week.

I need a break. I need something positive to happen to me right now. I feel beat up and worn down to nothing but numbness. My pain is the only thing that reminds me I am still alive.

Nancy

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