Yeah the level 8 pain is holding over from yesterday. All the joints from neck to the end of my toes seem swollen. I will add a few more minutes to my stretching routine today.
Funny thing about stress even the good kind. Do I expect all the pain to miracluosly go away when I open the letter from SSA saying it's approved? No I have learned that even good stress has it affect. When my daughter called me this past spring to say she was expecting her second child; I felt incredible pain and tingling and numbness go down both arms. I *smiled* very hard through it so she would not hear that but only happiness and joy. Weird isn't it? That is the problem with illness and injuries involving the central nervous system.
Last night I got two very kind messages on the lesbian forum I go to from internet buddies. One said that she is following my posts about the activites and fun things Deb and I do together on the weekend. She says she really admires my spirit and positive attitude inspite of everything. The other one said she feels for me and wishes she could take on my pain. I just know she wouldn't like it. I was pleasantly surprised and very happy that I received those private messages.
Last night I decided I am going to start listening to my latin music again. I tuned it out after it became clear that salsa dancing was to be in the past after I was injured. Last night I decided perhaps that isn't the case. I want to have Deb install a bar in the foyer that I can hold onto to dance for exercise (cardio-vascular that my heart needs especially right now).
Praying that today is the day I receive an approval from the SSA. And they don't even know about the diabetes or the auto-immune problems as yet. Those came after I submitted my application.
Last night I spent some time on grooming to make myself feel happier and in a lighter mood. I cannot afford to buy hair color right now. So I made up my own recipe (lemon juice and camomille flowers and camomille tea) added these to a bottle of shampoo and it is lighter and more shiny today. I shave my legs to my bikini line. I plucked my eyebrows and added some lightener recipe to them too using gel as the stuff to hold it together. That worked and covered the gray. I trimmed my nails all the same length (I broke two of them sluicing this past weekend), then I buffed them down and applied clear polish. They look nice. So yes it worked somewhat. Making me feel better that is.
I wish I had the nerve to get onto the Dr. Phil show. To talk about what happened to me during the personal injury lawsuit for the injuries from the wreck. I came out to my attorney first mistake. The second mistake was keeping him. He is a nice guy but weak. Then I got angry at him and the firm for his repeatedly making mistakes and forgetting about my case. Example of one majoy mistake was:
He called me into his office to ask me to sign papers so he could file the lawsuit in court; that was in October of 2002. I assumed he did it right away. He forgot to do it. He did do it when I asked him about it 10 months later. I had to call his father after so many mistakes he made. One time there was no contact for 11 months. He forgot about me and admitted it. He was so angry with me when I called his father. I could see it in his eyes when his father took me, my then lover and him to dinner to apologize and to get things rolling.
He screwed up the entire case by letting a therapist's notes get unchanged which had mentioned my being gay. I always sent him medical records and notes within a week of my visits. He did not look at it. We could have gotten that therapist to omit the homosexual note as it was not pertinent to why I was seeing him. I was seeing him for grief issues over my loss and pain.
The attorney for Auto Owners Insurance Company got hold of that information, investigated and found out that four of my witness were lesbians; two of them teachers in this state. One a practioner of accupunture and the other works for a mapping company.
In the mediation phase of the lawsuit he leaned across the desk and said to me "If you do not accept this settlement I will prove in court that all of your injuries except the chrondal lesion on your left knee were a result of other problems mentioned in my deposition of you. And you will lose and have to pay $20,000 in court costs."
The deposition concentrated on the fact that I am a lesbian, that my mother died of breast cancer at 55, that my son is special needs and has addiction problems, his implication that being gay results in being a bad mother, etc. My lawyer should have halted the process and gotten a restraining order against the opposing attorney disallowing this line of questioning. I have that depo with me.
How do these issues cause nerve damage, four bulging discs, arthritus on the knee cap? If I had that power I would never have had to work a day in my life and I would have been wealthy beyond my wildest dreams!
Anyway the bottom line is they offered me $21,000 to keep me quiet and he knew I would not out my friends in court. My lawyer told me that he had no doubt that he would kill me and my witnesses in that courtroom and make me sound crazy and like a bad mother.
My lawyer failed me and I ended up with this very small sum. And out of that I had to pay $5,000 in outstanding doctor's bills.
I complained to the bar association and the department of insurance here in NC. What came out of this was lies by Auto Owner's Insurance Company and even a letter they wrote me threatening to sue me if I didn't keep quiet about what they had done. What came out of this was reccommendations that I sue Auto Owners and their attorney. I didn't do it even though there is still time to do it. Until Feb. 2007 when the statue of limitations runs out.
But would I like to be on Dr. Phil's show to talk about all this mentioning names, names of the companies and law firms and all documentation (I kept everything including the stressed out and angry emails from my lawyer to me)? You bet I would! In a hot minute. And then it would be common knowledge about the little known fact of how homosexuals can be threatened and how their legal rights can be stomped on in the country. I would like to see my lawyer and the opposing attorney getting their hands slapped verbally by Dr. Phil. I would like to see Jeff Bolster's beign questioned by Dr. Phil and watch that nasty smug looked being wiped out by Dr. Phil when he says to Jeff "Now listen to me, if you are going to talk to me then you better get real and tell the TRUTH buddy".
Well one can dream can't we?
More later when I get back from the rhuematologists office.
