I had a meltdown in my therapist's office. I could hardly talk I was crying so much. I can't take much more of the frustrations applying for disability with the SSA is handing out. She wanted to admit me for crisis intervention and I refused. She did illicit a promise from me that if I was denied and reacted in a bad way to call her right away or come in before I did anything.
I honestly don't know if I can emotionally handle a no. I have no Plan B really. Not enough to sustain me and keep me from losing my home and vehicle.
I was promised when I filled out the application that I would have an answer within 120 days. It is now day 130 and no decision was made as of 10 am this morning. My therapist called them. I am shocked.
I learned yesterday that I am overdrawn at the bank by 41 bucks. This is the first time that has happened to me since I was 25. My car insurance is overdue. They will repo my car by the end of next week.
I feel so alone. I can't talk to Deb about my financial worries or any other problems anymore either. Tonight I told her about my therapist wanting to admit me to give me a rest. And she replied, "oh gee are they going to sedate you like they have with all my other girlfriends." Talk about insensitivity and gross exaggeration! And tonight for the first time in months we hung up and she didn't say I love you. The bitch! I think I need a break from her right now.
She wants me to tell her everything that happens and she responds like this? I don't think so.
I called my aunt and my ex girl friend and they have agreed to give me $400.00. This will save my car for another month, put a tank of gas in it, pay the insurance, buy cat and dog food and a carton of cigarettes. That's all.
I know I should quit smoking but Kindle my therapist advised me not to do this right now. Bad time to quit.
Deb also said "do you think when you get on disability and have money coming in that this will fix all your problems?" I said hell yes. I have always been extremely responsible with paying my bills on time. Having bill collectors call a dozen times a day. Having to pay my mortgage a month late each month. Having to pay my car payment a month behind each month. Getting cut off notices every month for utilities is bad. Not being able to go out and buy the basics for my pets is bad. Not being able to buy color for my hair each six weeks is difficult. Not being able to buy household and hygiene items when needed is horrible. Food stamps do not pay for these things.
So hell yeah having a steady income is a stabilizing thing for me. Add all this instability when you are ill and having pain is the most horrible thing I have experienced in my life.
Kindle said that Nancy is not material things. She is right and I am not a material person. But these things reflect all the hard work I have done in my life; they represent my accomplishments. Watching them being threatened is so frustrating and I feel hopeless now.
I think Deb is extremely insensitive. I expected more from her than this. She comes over here when she has troubles and I console her and don't make comments like that. I rarely speak at all just listen and be supportive. I did expect more from her. Now I am sure not to expect what I will get from her when I need it. So I feel anger towards Deb right now. And very disappointed too. I think that the best thing I can do for me right now is to stay away from her for several days or I may say something I may regret.
So yes Deb things will be better for me once I am approved for disability. I wonder how well she would do under the circumstances. I know she could count on me to be totally supportive and not say stupid and unkind things to her.
I think this diary is helping me. I am not sure. I am not sure about anything right now except I am very, very tired.
Kindle also called my daughter to talk with her about my depression. Barbara has always acted like she doubted I was ill. Kindle feels that as my daughter she should be more supportive emotionally and financially towards me. Regardless whether she believes it or likes it or not. Every time Barbara has asked anything of me; I drop everything to help them her and her husband and kids.
I would and have done everything I could to help all my kids. Always. Beth my other daughter and her husband Jimmy have been real good during this time by being supportive and paying some utility bills. I asked once and she did it quickly and without negative thoughts or feelings.
Yeah way too much on my plate right now. My pain level corresponds to the level of depression and fear for the past several days. Yesterday and today were running between an 8 or a 9. I need a break.
If I don't get the disability I will admit myself under their care for a few days to get some rest, some heavy counseling and perhaps stronger anti-depressants too. I won't have to think or see the problems in this house. I can ask Deb to watch the pets she did say yes to that.
And when I get approved I may just end the relationship with Deb. I don't need any more negative thoughts and behaviors in my life. I would rather be alone than live with that.
Tonight is a little bit better than this morning. And I feel a little bit better since I began this post.
I hope tomorrow is better for me and I want to do everything I can to make it better.
