Depression is a dark place, with holes and little lights that shine. You go by minute to minute with hope for the next minute. Then you slide down this hill when you say I just want it to end. I see this place everyday. I hold my head up as best I can and try to get through the next hour. I die inside and want everyone to go away. My family is all insane or is it just me. My friends all say it's them, they are they ones who are nuts, I just live here. I go to work, but they all sit here and do nothing. My husband blames me for eveything, the kids who are grown blame each other and their dad, then they start on me. Last night the screaming at each other was still going on at 2 a.m. and all I could say was " I've got to get some sleep, I do have a job and have to go to work". They still screamed at each other. My son and husband back and forth. Daughter screaming from her bedroom. " shut up you guys and stop" nothing.....it's just goes on and on. son hates father, father hates son, both are lazy and don't work.
They don't care about anyone but themselves.
I hate my life but can't get out from under this. This dark hole is getting deeper and I don't want to try to climb out anymore, I just want to cry for hours but can't, and even if I do no one would notice. No one here would care because they say it's all my own fault. I have a smile at work and talk to the customers but inside I am dying a little more each day. I just heard about a woman, I know her son, she died at 49 from a massive heart attack in her sleep, how lucky she was, no pain, I live with all this pain everyday and yes, I wish I could be that lucky. I can't fight anymore and as the years go by I just fight less and less to make my voice heard. Will I survive another day, another month, another year, who knows, do I care, no I don't. I want and need a different life or I will surely die. Life isn't worth living if you can't be happy for even a minute. The fake smile is wearing thin, I am doing it because I have too. I think I am alone and without hope, and to the best of my knowledge I will die alone and no one will know why. I want to post this for my family to someday realize that they gave me nothing to hold on too, nothing to look forward too, and nothing to live for. I did what I could and it was never good enough for them. I know I tried but they never cared. They are cold and inhuman to me. Pay the bills, go to work, go ahead and die knowing you worked your butt off for what. While they stayed home and complained about everything being my fault. What will they do but blame each other when I am gone. I hope I can be that ghost and be here to watch them so I can laugh at the whole thing, in peace. I really do deserve better, or do I?
