and what do I feel? Tired. But somewhat more hopeful. I woke up late because I went to bed very late; to much thinking to do to fall right off to sleep.
I am not very hopeful that Deb is going to take what I have to say about her words to me last night well. She may even end it. But that is not going to deter me from saying them. If I let it pass (like I have done the majority of my life until several years ago) it will continue for the remainder of our relationship and in time she says again this experience will resuface along with the feelings of last night and today; unresolved anger. I don't know for sure. But then the ball will be in her court, I will have expressed how what she said made me feel and be able to quickly let it go.
I tell ya part of the anger in hearing what she said very well could be unresolved anger when I kept silent in the past when someone hurt me. I don't think so though. Because I have tried very hard to work on this issue because of how it affects a person when they are insulted and/hurt by insensitive remarks and stay silent.
I have worked on ways to deliver these messages. The delivery and tone of voice is very important.
I have learned to get rid of the fear of rejection because I speak out.
And it is okay if my list of friends have dwindled a bit when I learned to speak out. Anyone who says insulting things to a person is not really a friend anyway. So who needs them if they get pissy and walk away.
Yes, but delivery is everything. Using the "I" words instead of YOU! This is what you said (explaining what I heard), this is the way it made me feel and this is the affect your words and/or actions have had on me. I dunno for sure but I would think speaking up would draw some measure of self-respect and respect from one's peers.
When I confront someone I may have to wait until the anger (most of this comes from the past I think) to calm down. I try to talk without too much emotion so I will come across as logical. I never shout at the person. And I keep tears to a minimum if possible.
In my past, when someone said something that hurt me slightly or a lot; 99% of the time I kept silent. And this ate at me. I would replay the scene over and over in my mind about how I should have replied if only I had the courage. And it would happen over and over again and the anger for this person would increase until there was nothing but anger.
It takes two to tango and I love that phrase. And if you don't want someone to walk all over you get up off that floor and stop acting like a rug! That one is mine. LOL
I guess it goes back to when I was a child and my step-father insulted me every chance he could. He said I looked like a slut when I had make up on. He said a lot of things and got away with it. One time Momma did speak up, she said "shut up Mitch!" He said I was a round heels if I went to a club with friends to dance and have a drink.
Did I mention he molested me many times when I was 9 until almost 16? Never went to far because he knew I would tell and fight back. He would "wrestle" with me; grinding his pelvis into mine and many times my mother and the whole family was present. One time my mother looked up from her book and yelled out "Get off her Mitch!" That was it. If I had been her I would have clobbered him in his sleep and then woke him up to tell him what would happen the next time he put his hands on my daughter.
So he continued to insult me until I spoke up and not until March of 2001 did I open my mouth. He was real good at insulting people with words only that person could understand.
The last time it happened we were all home after attending my daughter's wedding and all the family (including my grandchildren and a good friend were sitting at the table) he made a remark about my last marriage (a marriage that very few people knew about that was abusive to me). I looked up at him straight in the eyes and said "Gee Dad that wasn't common knowledge to most of the people at this table until you opened your mouth. I don't appreciate this as it was not your place to share this."
Soon afterwards he and my three younger siblings (his natural children) got up to leave for the night. He took me into his arms (again inappropriately tight), I pushed back several inches to gain my safe space. He said I love you Nancy. And I responded I am happy for you. That was the last time I talked to him. My friend later that night told me she was very proud at how I handled that.
Does this sound like a 51 year old person? That is how old I grew to be to learn to speak up to him and other people. It is refreshing, empowering and liberating.
I have to say in all honesty that I am enjoying keeping a journal here. I am finding memories that I have kept down and away resurfacing. I am finding that I speak less often to people about how bad I feel because I am getting a lot of stuff out of the way by venting here.
To be more honest most folks do not want to hear about how much pain I have or how bad I feel. It is scary to them. Because if it happened to me it can happen to them. I also feel that venting here is allowing me to not look at myself when not here as a patient. I am putting it here and leaving it here the best way I can. I don't want these diseases and pain to be who I am. And writing here is a tool to help me do this.
I am also reading the diaries of others. I am also reaching out to them to offer them encouragement. I have been very touched at what I have read here that is happening to others. If I can help in some way that makes me feel good; it makes me feel worthwhile and a functioning living breathing person instead of a body bag full of pain.
Okay I have to get off here to get the flu shot and put $5 worth of gas in my vehicle. That will be the last of my cash until Mary gets here tonight.
Perhaps more later. Gee, I hope I don't use all the server space on Dr. Phil's site!
Nancy
