Messages By: valoren

This is the hard part - getting through the withdrawal.  The anxiety level is in full panic attack mode.  I feel like I'm going to die and I need to say Goodbye to everyone.  That's just the anxiety talking, I know, but knowing that does not make it any easier to tolerate.  It's necessary, though, and I'm trying to let my intellect take the lead rather than going only by my emotions.

I've just got to stick with it.  The shaking, the stomach problems and the anxiety will all go away in time.  I just have to hang on.  Tight.

Lunchbreak.  Rest a bit, gather steam for the afternoon, then onward.

It's a powerful thing to realize that you no longer have to say "I'm sorry".  One of the hallmarks of manipulative people is crying big old crocodile tears and looking like the victim, and it works for them.  People fall for it.  But when you know the truth, and you know they will have to answer for their behavior through their struggle to live, then you can pass them and move on.  You can feel sorry for them, but you have to remember that they make their own pit, they will have to make their way out of it.

As for my own pit, I just got hit with a big ray of sunshine and it illuminated a ladder.  This time, I don't feel guilty.  I'll take the ladder and not look back.

Time to eat lunch, then get back to work.  Do a little on the bedroom, then put together the weight bench for the kids.

Note to self:  Make that phone call, Val.  You can do it.  Remember the parties in the 80's?  Put on that face and you can do it.  You're 50 different people, and evey last one of them is on YOUR side in this.  Kick it, girl.

It's utterly beneath stupid to sit on one's lazy a$$ and plan without ever getting up and doing what was planned.  With that in mind, I stopped crying about 2pm and got busy on the new bedroom.

The walls are proving to be a problem because  there's just too much stuff to put on them.  Once the bookcases are in, I think that will ease up a bit and we'll set to work on the problem of placement.  That much, at least, is encouraging.

I'm also finding that getting off of prescription drugs (painkillers) is not easy.  I'm down to two a day.  My mood has plummeted, but it has to be done.  I'm not a big fan of "The end justifies the means", but in this case it's true.

I'm also dumping all the destructive a$$holes in my life.  It never ceases to amaze me how some abusers work their evil on others, then come out looking like the victims themselves.  I have GOT to learn that manipulative little psycho-trick.

About the kids - they have to make their own mistakes.  Worst of all, I have to let them.  I can't "fix it" for them, they have to fix it for themselves.  I'll keep reminding myself of that through my tears - and hope they don't get themselves killed.  But the temptation to jump in and make everything right is SO great...

Life throws roadblocks at you no matter where you turn, and dealing with them can be painful, especially if the roadblock is an abusive human.  The good part is that I recently learned that abusers are beneath me.  Way beneath me.  And I no longer have to suffer from their pathology.  That's their little red wagon, and I need to leave them to deal with it.  And no matter how they bait me, I can shake my head, walk away, and let them continue to squirm in their self-made prisons.  I've got better things to do.

One of those better things is get Olivia moved into her new room.  She's been looking forward to this for a long time, and now Ican finally make her wish come true.  :-)

Things are looking up.

Valoren

Time to go private with this stuff.

This journey is internal, so that's where I need to go.  Letting myself go public with my reality was a mistake.  There is no external validation, there is no rescue, there is no cure.  You can't find what's not there.

Best wishes to all.  Keep safe.

I've got enough to last for a few days, but after that, I'm screwed.  Wine and prayer are all I have left.  I'm still working on things, inside, but getting nowhere.

Looks like the holidays will have to pass before I can really find answers to these internal questions.

Just one more week until the pain pills can be refilled.  Until then, the Aleve/ Advil/Tylenol cocktail will suffice.  My poor liver and kidney must be working overtime to get all this crap out of my system.  Why coudln't I have been born with two working kidneys?  Because I'm me. 

Spent most of today in bed with nausea and cramps.  So did two of the kids.  I should never have trusted them to take their vitamins on their own.  God help them when they're out on their own.  Anyway, I need to remind them every day or they'll keep getting sick.

The principal is very unhappy that I'm allowing the kids to stay home when they're sick.  He holds me personally responsible for every absence and each time one child is out of school, I get the automated phone call telling me that my child was absent from school and how attendance is crucial to good grades and good habits later on in life.  Nice guilt trip, bozo.  I've lived in fear of someone causing problems in terms of taking my kids away from me ever since the ex and I split in 1999.  The threat is always there.

I'm almost finished with the last room upstairs.  One more thing and it'll be over.  What a relief!

Back to bed....I can feel another wave of nausea coming on.

Todays' Lesson:  Take your damn vitamins.

I feel so close to something, but I'm not sure what it is.  Not a breakthrough of any kind, but something else inside.  I'm sooo close, but I just can't touch it.  It feels like an improvement, but I don't know what it is.  I'm also too close to disaster.  It's like I'm riding a razor blade and either side has an equal shot at me. 

Lesson for today:  Methocarbamol is a terrible high.  Stop doing it.

Got a lot done today.  Finally got the floor laid in Collin's room and now I just need to put the quarter-round down.  It's looking good, I think.  Even Mother thinks so.  That's a switch.  I expected her to point out everything that's wrong with what I did, but she was okay.  I think she's trying to kiss up to me because she feels her "nursing home" time is nearing and she wants me to treat her nice instead of how she's treated me over the years.  I'd like to just say "We'll see", but I know I'll do whatever's necessary to take good care of her.  I'm stupid.  People who treat me like shit get nice treatment from me.  Loser.

Lesson for today:  Productive days are good days.

I got the second room upstairs finished!  Chalk one up in the Positives column.  Next:  The third and final room.  Thumbs up.

Thanksgiving will not be fun, but I'll do the same thing I do every year and tolerate it. 

I do hate holidays!  But whatever.  I'll go through the motions.  When it's all over I'll crawl back into my hole, relax and breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I just don't do 'social' things well.  I'm better off alone.

Tomorrow, if things clear up outside, I'll go get what I need and start on the last room upstairs.  I'll be glad to be finished with it all.  It's really looking better than I thought it would.  :-)

Lesson for today:  Finishing what you start is a good thing.