Messages By: westmoneypit

Things are going really well now.  I just needed a few people to tell me that I was being dumb about how I feel.  I am very happy to have found a place like this message board to help heal and feel as though I am not the only one around with issues.  I have read about people who have it much harder than I do and have had it much harder in the past then I ever had it.

I have helped out a couple by a suggestion that I made, which really makes me feel good about myself and my relationship.  I have come to the consensus that it is time for me to start dealing with the demons of my past if I am ever going to get this monkey off my back.  I am going to write a letter on my computer at home, kind of like a journal, and I am going to put in it everything that I am upset about with my parents.  I am going to keep it around until I am happy with the way it is written, then I am going to give it to them.  I may never give it to them, but at least it will be out on the table for me.

My wife and I have been talking lately.  I think that I have realized that I may have been hurting her feelings lately by being so down.  I wish she would come to me instead of avoiding me though, but I think she will next time.  I still feel as though I am very dependent on her.  We are best friends for sure.  I am not being truthful to her right now, because i am writing these diaries without her knowing.  I just can not show her this stuff because she always takes it all out of context and somehow I endin being the bad guys by expressing my feelings.  I just cannot have any more drama in my life right now.  I am slowly moving toward getting all of this out on the table.  I really hate that it seems like I am the one with all the problems, yet she does not have any.  Why am I so terrible?  Why do I have to drag her emotions out of her?  More later.

I have been really looking around the message boards.  I am finding out everyday that I am not the only person in this world that deals with things.  I have been finding out that it helps me to help others. 

Things are tough right now at home, but I can not pin point it, which is what is really bothering me.  My wife and I are both over working ourselves, with no end soon for relief from our money situation.  I refuse to give up and file bankruptcy, but things are going to be tough because of it.  I think from now on, I need to stop looking back and start looking forward to the things that I had control over now.  That does not seem to be much, but I need to move on somehow.  My wife and are going to work our what ever it is, we always do.  I want so many times to say to her that she needs to just be happier, but I know that is not the right thing.  She is starting to get more distant from me though, and that worries me.  I have decided that I am not going to be able to fix anything until she decides to move on and talk with me about what ever it is that is making her withdraw.  What do you do?

Anyway, I still wonder if I will ever get over bouts of depression and sadness, but I think it is built into me now.

I discovered this week that I have a gift that I can share with others.  Experience.  I have been married for so long, been through all the ups and downs, still are sometimes, and that I may be able to help others with it.

For now, I am going to continue on trying the best I can.  I think I am a good person, although I think my problem right now is a lack of affection and comfort.  Lack of intimacy and touch, since we are both working so much, is starting to play a role in how I feel about myself.  The mind does terrible things.  You start wondering, I am attractive still, has she found that I am not nice enough looking anymore.  She has lost weight.  She looks great. She is getting complimented by others.  Maybe she just thinks that she is deserving of more.  That is the crap that I am dealing with in my mind.  It is not fair to her to think this way.  She has never given me a reason to suspect that wants to be with anyone other than me.  I am just feeling starved.  I am obviously way to dependent on her for my emotional well being.  It is an adjustment I will have to make, even though I would rather not make the adjustment at all.  More later.