In July of 2002 I began using drugs to ease physical and emotional pain. I used for 4 months. I had recieved a random drug screen at work and lost my job due to a (+) drug screen. That really hurt me.
It ended my career and job. I can't really tell you the pain that I experiened after that. It was too much to bear. I lost my confidence, and withdrew into myself. I've never felt so insecure. I doknow that I am responsible for my own mistakes that I made. I never blamed anyone else.
I tied to stop using and was successful for about 90 days then I lapsed. I quit again for a year and that turned into 2 years. Then I relapsed on Barbiturates and got help and have been clean for 3 yrs since then.
I still relive losing my job and have nightmares about it. Sometimes when I dream about work I actually get up and put on my nursing uniform until I can reorient myself as to where I am and remember the sad truth. I haven't been able to hold onto a nursing job since then because everytime something happens at work.
I start feeling the same feelings I felt then and dissociate. I can't seem to maintain staying in the here and now while working. This is so painful to me to lose something that I loved and dreamed of doing.
