Messages By: littledreamer0

Thought about the subject "grief" after visiting the message board. Interesting subject, cause it differs so much for everyone.

I, for instance, don't allow anyone to 'help' me when I'm grieving. I never let anyone really help me with anything, for that matter. But especially grief; it's like I want to keep it for myself, cause there's not anything anyone can say to make it better. So I just forget about it all together. I'm annoying like that, cause I always try to help others... Really annoying habit.

I guess I picked that up when Daniel died. I never talked about it with anyone; I told my parents 3 years ago! I kept it all to myself cause I thought it was something not to bother others with, and I guess that habit stuck with me. Not always fair towards others, and I try to talk about things, but.....it's a long process.

On the board I read something about not being able to deal with the grief. I can totally get that. Especially when it's fresh it seems like it will never go away. But I also read that comment with people who lost someone 6 or 7 years ago. I started to think about that......do I still grief Daniel? I found that to be a difficult question to answer. I mean, of course, at times, I still get very sad over his death, and of course I miss him like crazy. Sometimes I light up some candles, put on his favorite music and just read a book. I think about him every day, in a positive way. But I lead my life, I have fun, I do stuff, I try to go on. I would say that's not grief....right?

And is it a bad thing if I don't grief anymore? At the risk of sounding really cold....I don't think so. If I would be caught up in the same grief rituals I was right after his death.....I think I wouldn't be able to lead the life I'm leading now.

Guess grief comes in many forms, but no matter what form it comes in, we all have to deal with it at some point.

I just couldn't get the first entry I made today out of my head.....and here I am, trying to figure out what to make of this.

Daniel, my best friend. A bit troubled, totally crazy, and the best gay straight guy I ever met:

I miss you. Plain and simple. Some people tell me it is crazy cause they think you don't deserve it to be missed - or to be loved -, but I can't help it.....I can't hate you, I chose to love you instead.

People call it my downfall.....ain't that a bit dramatic. I know I've got some trust issues; I tend to assume a man will leave me anyway, cause I guess somewhere deep down inside I think that's what you did. Reason takes me the other way: I knew you were not happy here, I knew you could no longer stay. As the true friend I want to be I should understand that; I know you never meant to hurt me, never really wanted to leave. 

People then often ask me why you did what you did.....that you should have known it would hurt me. I tell them I understand. I tell them I knew you had just one fear in this life, and that fear was to die all alone. You knew I would understand.

I hope you understand it took me about 2 years to kinda understand....I think, I forgave you, and I hope you like the tattoo. Can you remember you told me, that all you ever wanted was a tattoo of the person you thought to be your big example, as a kind of true hommage. Well, I know this is not the same, but I thought it would be a real sign of me forgiving you, of showing I understand. It is quit funny....the weird looks people give me when I tell them I did not took this tattoo because I'm such a big fan of him....most of them simply don't understand LOL 

In all honosty, Daniel, I'm not too sure if I'm okay. I remember the promise I made you, just before you passed on, and it has kept me going all this time. You know I'm not the dramatic kind, but it's really getting harder, and I often wonder....how could you make me promise that, and literally turn around and do what you did? I'm not trying to sound cheeky here, not at all, but isn't that a bit.....unfair?

Nine years ago, an officer said to me I was quit lucky you did not take me with you. I sometimes wonder if I was lucky.... But those moods never last long, I know I've got a lot to be gratefull for, and I really am thankfull for all the things I have, got to do, etc.

You were with me all the way, and I still carry you with me; I sometimes wonder if that's not a part of the problem. Well, it would not be so bad if it would just be you, but there's THAT as well. I've tucked away somewhere inside of me, and I'm really afraid to let it out. I'm afraid I won't be okay if I do. It's funny, cause sometimes I will smell a certain smell, or hear a particulair word or sound, and it will take me back to that night. But it never lasts long, cause I just won't allow it to come to the surface. I guess that's why I'm always so cold and unpersonal when I talk about it to other people, I can't bring myself to let the real emotion out, or to cry about it.

You know what I do remember, Kleine Knuffel, I remember that bloody smile on your face. Most of the details are blurry, but that I can remember. Isn't that weird....a smile?

I guess that's also why I'm torn between sadness and....what.....understanding? I feel sad because I miss you (ain't that selfish), but I also try to understand cause I know this is what you wanted.

So, dear Daniel, here we are....and I must say I'm simply at a loss. But we'll see what happens won't we, just like we always did. You, me and all the dreams we had, we'll see what comes of them. And in the mean time I'll try to hold my own, like I've done all these years; have to say that it's getting harder, and I feel lonely sometimes, but I'll sort things out. :)

I miss you sweety, and I hope you found what you were looking for.

I've been looking around on the message board and I came across this topic dealing with Self, and I couldn't help but wonder....how many people actually succeed in 'finding themselves'? Most of us tend to live their life based upon the people surrounding them....which would be a group-attitude/self, wouldn't it? So, how much of the things we think define ourselves, are actually something that belong to a group?

I mean, I've got a gothic attitude (I grew up within a group of people that were goth), but I dress 'normal', cause that's what I've been taught to do. I'm a people person and I help people, but not only cause that's what I love to do, but also because it is expected of me. I do most of the things I do cause it pleases other people (although I don't mind doing them), and I pretend not to be ill cause it makes people feel better. I even put it with a lot of so-called friends although I know they don't give a damn....literally - not about me, not about each other. (But I put up with them because there's one person in the group I really care about.)

So, what's me then? Is it me when I'm all alone and I feel comfortably sad and creative? Or is it me when I'm feeling really weird and I need to do something totally crazy? Probably both. Probably that's Me rebelling against the person people want and expect me to be. But I don't really mind the person they want me to be either....as long as I can really be that person, that is.

So, the question remains....how many people actually find the real Self, and to what extent is that Self a real Self? 

This topic reminds me of my best friend.....he was a bit troubled, well, a lot actually. He was never comfortable with himself or his life, and his key solution was something he heard from one of his other friends: find someone you really admire and try to be just like that person. This advice was given to him when he was 17, and the spend the remaining years of his life (till he was 23) trying to be just like a man he admired a lot. And I wonder.....would finding himself have helped him? Or was realising who he was what did him in?  I mean, if you try to be like another (famous) person you can get the feeling you fail cause you can't be like another person, but it may also give you the feeling of not being good enough cause you might think you are not anywhere near as good as the person you're trying to be like.....does that make any sense? I don't know. Maybe I'm just picking at old wounds.....

-x-