Messages By: crisisorchaos

Things are going good right now, there is a little money problem but who doesnt have that, right? well my tummy is getting smaller theres still fat but its slowly going away so im happy about that. My little girl Emery is getting long and tall, shes not a chunky baby at all which im suprised by because Eric and I were both pretty chunky so i think thats good. I turned 18 on April 12th and im starting to think about what im going to do with my life. I already have ideas of what i want its just the part of figuring out how to do it. I know i want to start a no-profit, no-kill animal shelter to help any and every animal i possible can no matter what the case is and no matter what kind of animal it is whether exotic or a house pet i would love to take care of it.Whether it was abused or neglected or it was just unable to be taken care of i will love it and care and tend to it. Also, i need my own house.One that i can grow old in and start memories of my own with its walls. I would like a medium sized cottage with lots of big windows and a spacy  kitchen and good sized rooms and a grand master bedroom with a beautiful old antique bathtub with legs. No doubt my final descision would be based on the yard. The yard has to be huge! I want Emery to be able to run around and play as much as she wants on green fresh grass with some big willow trees for shade. and the backyard would have a great big garden with all these exoctic, mystical flowers that would cover every inch of the yard with hidden waterfalls and a small river with fish swimming along. It would be so great if i could get that out of life, and if any more children were to come along later we would have room for every single one there so we wouldnt have to move this dream house. I would love to have any of that.Just to see Emery grow up happy and have a loving home and just see that a happy home and loving parents do exsist. I want her to know that not all things in this world are horrible and i want her to look for the greatest love that will make her head-over-heels happy. That is the goal i will try to acheive through my entire life-time, I will try to teach her right.

it is about 3;30 in the morning of April 23,2008 and right now im a little hurt and just a tad tired. Emery is great, shes fine my little girl is growing up fast i can see it. but there is so much on my mind, so many things i need to think about and reevaluate. Eric upset me earlier and maybe its just my hormones acting up but i got really jealous today when he told me he was attracted to someone else and even though im more than sure he is completely faithfull there is always going to be a little doubt in the back of my mind. it just amazed me how much he could hurt me with just words but i tried expressing it to him and he became really defensive saying i was sensitive and ruined the day. i was trying to tell him that i felt ugly because i still have the baby fat on me which i desperately want to lose and that i felt unattractive because of it and what he said today only made me feel worse and he just ended up saying that he wasnt even talking about how pretty she was or i was. Hes missing the whole point i just wanted him to know that i feel ugly and that he only lowered my self esteem by saying he was attracted to someone else. He really hurt my feelings and whats worse is that i really got hurt and i started to cry so i left the room to go sleep on the sofas and missing my little girl, went back to the room to go get her and he was peacefully asleep. I feel as if im not worth the time to talk to, i feel ugly and unattractive, I would have loved if he tried to comfort me in any way but he didnt.He never does, he is the one that makes me cry and the one who can stop it.I just want him to understand that i hate the way i look right now and he makes me feel so much worse when he says someone else is attractive and not me.I want us to be open to each other but im so vulnerable it hurt me to get the truth.Obviously i love him and i just wish he understood. I wish he would lift me up off the sofa and say he was sorry and lay me back into bed and just make me feel beautiful because i feel hideous.I wish he could do that for me.