Messages By: debruff

 4/13/07
No bad luck today.At least not yet.We are under a severe thunderstorm warning at the moment.Hope nothing bad comes of it.
Today is Dads' birthday.Forgot to send him a card.Guess I'll send him one tomorrow.
Had a good day at work.Nancy complained about how high the dishes were piled in the sink.Said somrthing about it to Michelle.She came & helped wash dishes.Didn't mean for her to do that,I wasn't asking for help.Feel bad for saying anything to her.
Been wearing my pedometer all week.Been getting over 10,000 steps in every day.Don't think I'll accomplish that many Saturday or Sunday.But will try.

    Lately I've been depressed to the point I can't sleep more than a couple of hours a night.I can barely function at work.I work in the cafeteria in a middle school.I feel so frustrated from feeling this way that I tend to take it out on others,by getting angry if they don't do something I ask of them.For instance,I was in the dishroom on Friday washing dishes.I was in there by myself because we are short handed.Someone was coming there to help when they were finished in their area.When a lady came in to help,she proceeded to wash dishes.I told her I didn't need her help in washing,but I needed her to start putting away  the dishes i had done up to that point that had gone  through the machine.She said no that her hands were already dirty,that she would wash.I again told I didn't need her help in washing,but in putting things away so I can continue to wash.She still wouldn't do what i asked.So I got mad & said a few choice words under my breathe & put the dishes away.I am still upset by this & its the day after.
Being frustrated like this makes me more depressed .I feel insecure in myself.

 For the past couple of weeks I've been feeling depressed.WhenI get this way I tend to lash out at people.When it hit this time,I vowed to not lash out .By keeping things to myself,I found myself being mentally & emotionally exhausted,totally run down.I had last friday(9-22) off from work.It felt good to have a 3 day weekend.When I went back to work this morning I felt I was my old self again.
I don't know what brought this round off depression on,I think it could be one of two things.It may be that I going through "the change" & my hormones are out of wack.So I'm going to see about getting an appt.to see my doctor to get a blood work-up done.I don't want to gor one hormones.I would want something natural.Or the other reason for my depression could be that  my husband is now disabled & I'm having a hard time dealing with that.I have no one to talk to about that.I'm still angry at that.I know it's not his fault,but I'm still amgry about that.

 Lost a pound this week.I haven't met my goals that I wanted to meet while I've been off for the summer.I go back to work on Aug.3.Not really looking forward to it,but I have to go back sooner or later.
Going to take my lunches to work instead of eatting whats availiable,which isn't all that good to eat or look at by the time we eat.This school year will be the year I fine tune  what i eat.I will try very hard not to eat like I did when school was last in session.I WILL make the changes I need to make

 7/5
Today has been a fairly good day.Didn't do too bad eatting wise,yet it wasn't that good either.but it was better than the day before.If I can improve alittle each day,that'll be cool.
Went shopping with Linda,it proved to be very uplifting for me.It felt good to be a great friend.
David has been out of town since Sunday.He said he'll be back Wednesday or Thursday,Told him to take his time,don't rush back.I would love it if he didn't come back until Sunday.I have really been enjoying have this time to myself.I have been more relaxed since David has been gone.It seems I'm tense when he's home.Hate that feeling.

 Feel so ashamed of myself.I keep saying I'm going to watch what I eat,but I fall back into the same old rways after doing good for a few days.
It seems the food I want to eat overpowers what I know I should eat.I want to eat more nutritional things,I do for awhaile,then cravings for not so good things take over.I don't think before I eat I just do it & think about it later.I have ti learn to think what I put anything in my mouth,I have to say to myself"am I hungry,do I really need this or do I want to eat this just to eat it". Got to do something.

 I've had a stuffy nose for the past 2 days.Stayed home from work on Friday.May not go to church tomorrow,too stopped up to breathe..Not sure if I'll go to work on Monday.We'll see how Sunday goes.
All I've been wanting to do besides sleep is eat.That's why I hate staying home from work,I tend to want to eat all the time.Ifeel alot ot it is due to stress.David(hubby) has not worked in over 2 years due to a disability.So I'm the one who has to go out to support the family.I don't make alot of money,but at least we have some money coming in.With hubby disability checks it's barely enough to get by.
I wish I can change jobs,but I can't be w/o insurance.I'm afraid if i change jobs I'll won't like what I change too.Shame on me for not going to college & getting a decent job.
I'm upset because my hubby is disabled,due to no fault of his own.It was a medical mishap.This isn't the way I envisioned the way our lives would be.I thought after our son got out of college,he would move out.Then I would be able to quit my job,while hubby would continue to work.But it didn't work out that way.I'm angry that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to.I have no one to talk to about the way I feel.But I know I have to face my responsibilty like every one else does.
There are days when I don't feel stressed out then there are days when I'm so stressed,I just want to roll up in aball in the corner of my room & be left alone,& cry.But I don't.I have to be strong & do what's expected of me & suck it up & be the adult that I am.Right now I feel that being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be.