Messages By: marcia52

I set out to figure out what was going on in my life that caused me so much distressed!  I was just experiencing the HERE.   

I spent the 45 days allowing myself to explore my emotions and after 30 days, I was seeing the pattern I was now in.   

No matter how I wrote: LIFE STYLE stuff, it always came down to me actually living it.  I have been steadily moving forward ... always just moving. 

Bottomline is:  I am tackling all sorts of areas of my life.  That means:  I am in a pattern loop that is bringing closure to certain areas of my life and opening doors to others.  It also means that the attempt I made to DO DIFFERENT may not have worked and I once again pick myself up to move forward. 

I am in a good and wonderful place.   It is not a place I'm accustomed to being at.   It's a good place.  It's a cool place.  I'm safe.  and most importantly I AM. 

Tomorrow, I stop writing in this diary ... I have maintained my focus and have given myself TIME to understand why I keep coming back to the same place over and over again. 

It's not like before where it took me months to reach the end of my pattern ...  a pattern I'm beginning to see in others who are lost.  No matter what I choose to work on or bring to me, I will go thru every thing that's in my head ...  I have charted it like a flowchart and it always seems to follow some flow. 

What used to take me years to get to, then months, is down to 30 days ... maybe even less.   

CATCH UP, PUSH are now surfacing ... I will allow them to just back off and continue on this line ...  I will give myself 3 months to now focus on bringing POLICING my home to me -- I know that it will be the healthy replacement of just allowing piles to grow on any flat surface of my home (today, I'm cleaning off the ironing board).  Of menu planning.  I want to eat healthy, I want to lose weight ... and this is the only new habit that will see me to my goal.  I feel really comfortable with these 2.  Today, I will attempt to do 10 minutes of exercise this afternoon.  My goal is to do 10 minutes Sun, Wed, Fri, & Sun.   That's it.  It's not going to be easy because it's not a habit ... just something I want to become a habit. 

All 3 are habits.   I want them to be a piece-n-part of what makes me ME.    

Today, I'm wanting to bring my old work stuff in the house and begin to pull my resume together.   I want to go back to work -- not working is causing me to just sit back and not focus cause there's always tomorrow.  I just have way too much time on my hands. 

Just 2 more days and I'll be ready for focusing again for another 90 days.  I know it sounds really weird that a person has to do that to REMEMBER ...  however, I'm just so tired of living with these unhealthy destructive habits ... and I know that by focusing my energy to doing this ... I will bring closure to more of my basic foundation and then I will have no more excuses for doing other stuff. 

Yesterday, the CATCH & PUSH began ...  as I eradicate 1 tape, I have 5 waiting to replace it.   I've been here so many times before ... and I'm going to be here again and again. 

Good thing I know that in a year's time, my life will be totally different.  I will be different. I will be working on new goals.  I will probably still be working on older goals as well.  It's just the way of life for me. 

Today, is a shutdown day -- yes again.  I always shutdown when I've made a major breakthrus ... and that's just fine cause on the 14th, I'll be ready to move forward.    

Last night I remembered the 1st time I hit a plateau.  I actually could trace my DERAILING on Jan. 16th (I think) and it was March.  I had gone thru my entire life pattern in just 3 months.   Now, I'm doing it in 30 days.   

Soon, I'm going to know what it means to live in the PRESENT.   I will not allow myself to become overwhelm by outside activities again.   It's going to be hard cause I've never been here before in my life.  In fact, no one I know has been here before.   I know folks I worked with that did, however, they were not mentors or someone I saw as being a teacher for me.  Those teachers will come though! 

This morning, I began to re-work my GOALS/TO DOs lists ...  I'm allowing myself to focus on them and to see what comes up.  Today I began to see the CATCHUP talk and I got sick from not eating ...  I ate around 11:30 and I got home at 3:30 p.m.  And I had a cup of hot cocoa at 12 ...  I was sick because I didn't plan better. 

Anyway, I paid someone $10 to do 3 of my OLD TO DOs ...  I have quite a list of them ... and new ones .. and then when I add my goals, I see that I'm at that strange place in life.   

I have to name it so that when I discuss this place, I will know what it means.    What I do know is that when all my OLD TO DOs are done and I have mastered my policing of my home, I will not be so overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to do.   

I made a collage today of my main GOALS:  cleaning, exercise, weight loss, etc.  I used different colored post-it notes.  Under each, I listed the goals for each one ....   I allowed myself to listen to what I was saying. 

Like when I listed my sewing stuff, I remembered last December and how overwhelmed I got with my x-mas making gifts and how I lost my habit of policing.    

I now see that I need to work with SCHEDULE once more ... another thing that is messing me up is that I write these long long lists of things to DO and then get worn out doing my living goals like cleaning kitty litter boxes, washing dishes, making dinner, etc.    

It's going to be a long slow process ... my goal is that on May 14th, I will wake up and my old GOALS and old TO DOs will be done with.   And of course, there will be more goals to replace them.  However, this is my main focus and this FOCUSing tool really does work. 

Today is the support group meeting .. I really do need this level of accountability.  I am just so close to re-emerging into the world. 

Last night, I began to pull together all the goals and habits I'm going to be focusing on.  I know now that by having my goals & TO DOs connected, I have problems realizing when I've gone into a major relapse.   

I'm going to commit to 90-days this time.   I'm going to end my habit of piling stuff all over my house.  I know it's because I need to BEHAVE myself into my new behavior and that will take time and commitment.   

I am already developing a review list of questions.  I know that it's going to be hard for me at first ... then I'll be able to just do it  and then stop and then pick it up again.  I'm starting off really really slow. 

This is my 20+ year old goal.  I can do this for me.  I can stand up and rely on me to fulfill my life long dream .... to be a home manager and cook.   To exercise daily. I can do this and it will not be hard! 

I know that Dr. Phil's words today are exactly what I need to do. I need to set up my environment to reprogram me -- it's not about will power ... it's about doing what's important to me and getting on with my life. 

I have spent the last 3 days going over my goals & to do list.   I've known for a while they are not right ...  I have my habits and I have my to do's ... and they are on the same list. It's time to do differently. 

I know that I keep falling off the trail -- and having to pick myself up.  Before, it was because I was dealing with bringing closure to my life ... the way I handled life situations and people needed to be dealt with.  I spent 2 years doing just that.  It was so painful at first and now, I know that I've reached that really powerful place.  I know that life is going to happen and I've been dealing with it effectively and quickly for weeks now.   And I know that my habit is to seek answers if I don't have them in my arsenal.   

I'm beginning to work on my next 45-day life cycle ... this time, I'm going to focus on just bring my old stuff to closure.  Do you believe, I have to do's that go back more than 1 year!!!???  It's become this neverending tape in my head. 

I also am acknowledging that when my OLD stuff gets closed out, I will be different ...  I will have space for new stuff in my life ... that's pretty scary isn't it?  And yet, it's not ... I'm biting at the bit to get out there and play and use what I've learned the last 14 years, 4 months of my life. 

I also have to acknowledged that there isn't 1 damn good excuse for not losing weight other than I'm living to my old habits.  I have 3 goals that I'm going to bring to closure ... they just require me to just focus on BEHAVING.  Living each day doing them.  Yep, I'm finally at that safe harbor where I know I can do it and it's not scary anymore. I'm in a really good place in my life now!!! 

Wow, I have 5 days left ...   this was the best thing I could for myself right now.  Maybe, I'll go for 3 months instead.  I know I can do 3 months.  My goals are rather easy and I accept them.  Hmmm... this is all about me just behaving myself ...  doing my exercise, cleaning my home, eating healthy, and preparing meals.   Oh and lets not forget about PLAY ... I'm adding PLAY to my list of goals now.   

I am giving myself permission to play ... that means sewing and dance ... 

This means that once I've worked thru this 3-month period, I will be ME ... it means no more addiction to living a life as a vegetable!  I have done it!!!  I AM A WINNER! 

What a long long day for me.....      February 8, 2006, 6:52 pm PST

I've finally acknowledge what PLATEAUs are about with me.   I've come up with the same answer over and over again ... I remember it... however, I just haven't figured out how to deal with them.   It's that same old story ... 1 of out 10 attempts will get me to my goal.   

Plateaus mean I have accomplished my goals and I have this conflict going on inside of me ... I keep wanting to do the goal and the tasks have been accomplished.    

Since Monday, I have begun to review my goals ... to see where I stand.  And today, I realized it's all about focusing.   I've been feeling that's the key and I've been afraid of what it means.  HOWEVER, did any of you catch today's show?  It's not about will power, it's about my environment and programming myself to a healthier life style! 

I'm not sure if that's Dr. Phil's exact words for the young man today; however, it's exactly what I've been hashing around in my head. I know now that I'm once again going to focus another 45-days ... this time, I'm going to focus ON BEHAVING MYSELF daily to obtaining my goals.  I've been practicing and practicing .... and then picking myself up.  I'm just so fed up with doing it that I just want it over with.  THAT'S A GOOD SIGN!  It means I'm ready to take it to closure now. 

Monday the 13th is my last day of this 45-day cycle ...  The 14th begins a new one.  I'm just so happy that I made it to NOW ...  I can do this ... I feel comfortable ... I am SAFE .... I am a winner!!! 

Well, I'm at that place called PLATEAU again.  I actually don't know or understand it ... it's all so new to me.  I thought I didn't do much last month and I did both in my personal life and in DOING/BEING.  I'm really confused about this place ... I figure it's a good name for me to call it write now. 

Yesterday, after I posted a note to Linda & Teri asking for help with PLATEAU, I grabbed my TO DO's that I wrote on 1/7/06 and went over them.  I have so many accomplishments ... so many life changes I've made ... yet, I feel like I'm such a loser.   

I'm just so tired of being here again ... over and over again, I come right back here. 

I've once again decided that I need to really tackle my old behaviors/habits.  I need to just do it ... and I am ... and I'm not.  It's just so hard for me right now.  It may take me another month or so to work thru this.  I'm must at a lost on what is going on in my life.  It's why I decided to do this 45-day focus period.  And I'm writing the same words as I wrote last month ... and I am at a totally different place! 

I am actually beginning to feel like I'm writing a whole new PLATEAU habit and that's something I do not want to do.  I want to break out of this .... whatever it is I'm at. 

Yesterday, I sat down with this book about goals for the support group meeting this Thursday evening and ended up doing it for myself.   I was just writing out bits and pieces as part of the Weight Loss Solutions chapter 2 goal work for open discussion.  And I ended up spending the day up to my eye balls in it.  Last night, I stayed up passed midnight because I was doing the part on VALUES.   

I learned that there are different level of values and I had to figure out what was IDEAL, STANDARD, WANT, TRUE and then finally what values I wanted at work and not at work.  I never ever thought about it before.  I just was living universally to a set of values.   

I'm not sure if I will finish that piece cause now I have to write out my own definition to the values I've chosen for work.  Then I have to do the same for non-work values. 

He does have a section on COMMITTMENT and I have to check it out.  I need to do this for me ...   

I am wallowing ...  I understand now why I'm doing this focusing cause I just feel like a fish out of water.   I've changed ... my life has changed ... my goal last year was to stop the abusive work self-talk that was going on inside of me and I have accomplished that goal and haven't replaced the energy it took with something else.    

IT's why I'm so lost and confused right now.  I keep picking myself up and practicing, then I lapse and pick myself up and practice some more.  The thing is, I'm not actually focusing on it.  I'm just in this pattern.   

I haven't really asked myself -- where do I stand?  where am I now?  Why am I not doing it? Why do I keep having to pick myself up.  Why am I still binge eating?  Why am I not focusing on what I'm doing unhealthy?  I'm telling myself something and I just haven't really focused on that part of it before. 

My pattern was work - mom - family - my dysfunction - work - mom - family - my dysfunction - etc. 

My dysfucntion was based on me not doing my goal work.  Well, I am doing my goal work.  I've bought so many to near closure that I'm unable to figure out what to do next cause I've never been here before so I need to DO DIFFERENT. 

hmmm .... what questions can I ask myself now that will kick-start me.  what do I focus on now?  I've never thought much about it before. I usually found a book on a subject that helped me to learn something.  I usually stuck to the spiritual self-help books.  And when I found an area that I needed real help with like saying NO or ANGER, I would get a book written by a PhD.    

Now I have to think about this.  I have to define where I am and what is next in my life.  This quietness I've finally mastered is a place I want to remain.  I love myself for the 1st time in my life completely and wholely.   This is a good place to be and I do not want to return to the old ways and I have the tools in place to make sure I do not return.   I'm seeing this truth daily in my inner actions with family and friends.  I am okay.   I am safe.   now, I just have to figure out who I AM? 

Okay, I've had to focus now on past 30-days.  And I'm beginning to realize that I'm really not THERE anymore. And I'm sure as hell tired of writing that I'm HERE ...   

The thing is, I gave myself a year to dump the negative self-talk that I lived with every day for all my life.   My beginning tapes as a baby became complicated and overwhelming as I grew older.   

Now that I have a positive stream of truths and beliefs, I've been feeling lost ... I believe it started last September when I acknowledged that the FEAR cycle I was in was slowly dissapating ... now it's totally gone ... it's just something I acknowledge happens ... so I did a visual so I could see where I WAS ...  the unknown isn't unknown anymore ...  it's my life. 

I sound strange don't I?  I feel lost ... confused ... which are fear symptoms ..  and I'm beginning to see that I have accomplished a META-GOAL ... something that I'm just reading about today and exploring ...  I have Mental Health for the first time in my life ...   oh sure, I still have to do some more work on me; however, the foundation is set and I'm living my life ....  

I just feel well so strange ....  I have to deal with the fact that I have reached a major phase in my life ...  everything that bought me sadness and shame has been removed ...  it's like I have stepped out onto a blank screen and told to paint my life.  hmmmm   tonite, I'll see what I paint.