Messages By: marcia52

Yesterday was proof that I have my tools in place ...  I didn't back down and I'm no longer a victim .... now if I could only get rid of the obsessive thoughts about VnG, I'll be mentally okay. 

Maybe being manic-depressive keeps the VnG self-talk going ...  I do feel; however, that it's connected to my desire to go back to work.  That it's a fear tape ...   With only 9 days left of this cycle, I have such a strong desire to go back to work.  I feel too comfortable with all the time I have available .... nothing pushes me ...  I have withdrawn and I wonder if I can re-emerge ...   

I'm making a list of the stores in the neighborhood where I can put my application in.  I want to work in the neighborhood.  I want to feel and do different in this phase of my life now. 

I also have conquered so many things ... I feel like a real winner when it comes to my finances.  I'm so surprised to see who well I am doing.  I still have my spending $ from the 1st ... usually, I'm dead broke and doing without.   However, yesterday, I got pizza and chicken wings for dinner and just pigged out!  I was hungry ...  I was stressed from driving is some really really nasty weather ... I'm going to do my planning today .,.. I know that is the whole key ... 

Dr. Phil was just sooo right about planning ... once I have a plan I can conquer whatever I fear. 

Today as a fried day for me.  Drove my mom out to PA to drop off some books to 2 ladies and then drove back ... it has been a long long day for me --  left Cleveland at 8:15 a.m. and got home at 3:15 p.m.   I'm just exhausted! 

I ready to climb into my jammies and go to bed ...   it's just too early for that isn't it? 

I am at a really good place right now ...  Tuesday night, I did a visual in which I saw this room filled with dirt and cobwebs.  I went to sleep with me standing at the door with cleaning equipment.  In the morning, I saw the room cleaned out ... I saw 4 white walls. 

Wednesday night, I returned to the room and the wall with the door that entered the room, I pushed aside like accordian on both sides.   I then entered the room and pushed the walls in front away as well ... I saw that I had entered the place of UNKNOWN ... It was beautiful.  When I looked behind me ... I saw the darkness and pain of what I was leaving behind. 

Last night, I explored the UNKNOWN and realized that this was what I had been afraid of ... of stepping into a place that was filled with wonder and life. 

I wasn't afraid anymore ... I realized that I had been working really hard to bring myself to this place and I really really liked being there.  I was filled with awe that I had finally allowed myself to see into the UNKNOWN and I felt so safe ... I felt COMFORTABLE  ...   

I am doing different now ...  I am once again doing different. 

This morning, as I watched STARTING OVER, I acknowledged that I have months worth of food logs that I need to review and begin to develop PLANS on dealing with my binging and overeating.   I'm just living in habit-mode and I can break any and all habits. 

I also acknowledged that I have been doing a really good job of planning my Tuesdays and Thursdays ...  It was the goal I started the 1st week of January!  I have an accomplishment AND I am now working on planning another meal.  I'm not sure which day ... first I want to work on planning on the normal events and then see where that takes me ...  That's my goal with weekend.  To locate my food logs and begin analyzing my eating behaviors. 

Today has been exhausting!!  So much has happened today! 

1. I made it to the gym finally and I've moved up from 5 lb wts to 8.  I had to stop and take off my new right shoesand put them on differently so the pain would go away.
2. My nephew finally came over and took the chest! and 1 of the boxes that was going to my mom's.  I have 2 items going to show ACCOMPLISHED on my 4th cleansing list.
3. I vacuumed my bedroom and made my bed.
4. I made dinner for my brother and I. 

I feel so tired ... I want to go to bed! 

I also have come to the conclusion once again about where I am in my life and I'm just not sure how to do different cause I've attempted it so many times and it hasn't work.  So I'm going to brainstorm tomorrow ... I have the day off! 

I have to go to the library and get the book for Oprah's book club for this month!  I want to read it this weekend ...  I want to see what it's like being a member of her book club. 

Today I awoke knowing I was going to purchase new TO ME furniture .. I ended up with just a love seat for $60 ...  the set I wanted was sold.   And that was okay. 

Today, I acknowledged that I'm no longer the same when it comes to shopping.  I can stand strong now. It's just so very strange for me! 

I am breaking away from my family's life patterns.   I feel okay. 

Today, I wanted to watch the show on hoarder's.  I was hoping to find out how I continue to go thru periods where I just pile stuff up.  I want to understand how I can just ignore it.  Again, this is a family pattern I am working on. 

Last night's visual on my childhood fears was really cool.   I saw that it was a room and when I went to open up the door, it was filled with dirt, dust, cobwebs and lord knows what else.  So I gathered my cleaning tools and went to sleep. 

This morning, I revisited the room and it's all cleaned up ... The walls are white, the floors are white, the ceiling is white.   Now, it's time to revamp the room.  My past is my past ... it doesn't own me anymore.   I know that I fall back into my victim mode as I continue to move forward ...  it's not like last May when I thought I was going to die.  Now it's just painful and I lose track of life and my goals. 

And yesterday, I realized that it's my life pattern that is growing shorter and shorter ... it's what is causing me to feel unsure of myself.  I believe I'm not dealing with life and yet, every day, I know I have been.   

Just because I'm not dealing with my cleaning goals or sewing or whatever ...  I am doing something ...    

PUSH PUSH PUSH that's what is going on ... I'm trying to PUSH myself thru this and it's not going to happen.  I've been a vegetable for over 30 years ...  there's no way I can overcome that amount of inactivity habits in 2 short years.   

The sadness comes in acknowledging that this time next year, I will probably still be dealing with it ...  boy where that genie when you need them!  SNAP of the finger is all I'm asking for ... and VIOLA  I'm whole and living my life 24/7 and not having to keep picking myself over and over and over again. 

Okay, I'm fluctuating ... I do see my pattern and when I ask WHEN HAVEN'T I DONE, I keep receiving the same answer over and over again.  I haven't stopped ... I am doing and doing ... the things I'm doing are heavy hitters and I'm still battling HABITS!   I really think I prefer that I was vegetating! 

Anyway, I've been really stressed out about the job fair this morning ... I set the alarm and just ignored it for 2 hours!  Then I had to read my emails ... I left my home without breakfast and went to the job fair. I found 3 jobs that interests me .. I really hope they will hire me!  I would love it ... doing something so different ...  and the Zoo is just up the street from my home! 

I feel tire and confused and overwhelmed ... why couldn't someone just call me and say HEY YOU WANT A JOB?  It's not going to happen .. this is a test ... I can past tests .. I do so want to make at least a B+on this one! 

I finally had to tell myself that the PITY PARTY has to stop!  That I am not doing as well as I thought and I need to stop and DO DIFFERENT.   

Yesterday, I was just a vegetable.  I couldn't function - I finally just gave up and read a novel instead of watching TV. I haven't journaled in 2 days and my home is a wreck!!  There's something major going on and I'm finally wrapping my brain to that effect. 

This NEW HABIT MAKING is a real BiTcH!!!   Up and down .... UP and DOWN ...  My chore log shows that I vacuumed my floor on Sat 12/31.  I vacummed the downstairs today.  That's 30 days.   The following week, I was able to do some policing of my home and then lost it.  And it really does shows! 

I have piles everywhere again ... it means I once again have to begin tackling them ...  The good thing is this chore log is showing me my truths and it enables me to pat myself on the back cause even though I haven't done a lot of stuff, I have managed to do quite a bit!!   

Right now, I'm showing a monthly cycle .... I know that a monthly cycle will slowly become a bi-weekly cycle and then ever so slowly it will become the norm for me.   

PRACTICE is the hardest phase to be in.   Working on stuff is easy compare to here.   I know why I get derail -- I just fall back into my old habits.  It's that simple.  It's not because life sucks or bad things are happening.  It's just life and I know that.   

I've had my bad habits for over 30 years .... it just takes focus and commitment and the knowledge that in a year's time, I will be so far removed from where I am now ... just like my cooking skills are... Last year on 1/3/05, I awoke to make myself oatmeal and sausage for breakfast ... I can remember the panic that set in as I attempted to do it...   Now, I can easily make them and a couple of meals.  I really am doing so much better!  I've improved drastically and it's become a habit for me at long last ... and has been for quite a while.   

That's what keeps me going ... knowing that I can see the results in my life ... so once again, I'm picking myself up and moving forward ... I just hope it's not too late cause I once again allowed myself to victimize myself .... I have to get my bills in the mail and I'm not sure I have enough checks to do! 

Self-sabotage is such a BiTcH! 

I'm really pathetic!  Yesterday the shock that the job I'm so excited about maybe just a volunteer job was a BIG TEST! 

I passed the thinking part really good.  However, I failed the acting part -- and I'm not sure where my feelings fell out under. 

When I discovered the OWLS program was looking for volunteers, I just hit a BIG TEST and I was able to withstand the thoughts cause nearly everyone of them was positive.   The one that wasn't was me acknowledging that I know this is what I need to explore and that I was going to need to do some research if I wanted to connect to woods through a job this year. 

I failed miserably with the DOING ....  I binged so badly that my body is still not recovered from it.   I ate chocolate chip cookies and swizzlers for most of the day.  I was finally able to eat REAL food - got scrambled eggs and toast into my body around 5-6 last night.   Yes, I ate cookies & candy ALL DAY!! 

Which means I'm a little depressed with myself.  I am rev'ing myself up to focus on finally tackling Key 4, Step 2.  I've done bits and pieces over the last 2 years - however, I've focused mainly on dealing with my abusive self-talk.    

What I'm hearing myself say is that I AM AT PEACE.  I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO STUFF.  My mind has quieted quite a bit and it's really nice.  I like being where I am right now. 

Now, to tackle the healthy eating goal.   That's my February goal.  I have so many negative habits here ... it's going to take me time and I'm experiencing that ....  WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER WITH!! 

And the answer is NEVER!!!   I have dreams I haven't dreamt.  I have relationships I have never experirenced.  I have a good plan in place on how I'm going to deal with them.   And it's getting better and better every day. 

Right now, it's just the hopelessness that I lived with all these years that I'm dealing with.   Cause pieces-n-parts of me are doing sooo well! 

Today I received the test about the Park jobs - and I'm handling it pretty well -- I'm eating sweets; however, mentally, I'm focusing. 

I believe the ad in the newspaper was for volunteers NOT paid jobs.  I'll call monday.  It's like my old tests ...  I had to go over the weekend to deal with the mental conflict and to work thru garbage so I could do a confrontation to stand up for my rights at work.  Hmmmm   it's the same old pattern ... except I'm different!! 

I really do feel that this is the route for me to take!  I am not going back to the office.  Once I began to explore this path, everything felt so RIGHT!  It's amazing really ... I felt really good about it and wonderful memories from elementary school popped up.   This something I'm going to explore ... jobs that fall into this category. 

It's so different and it's not what others TELL ME I SHOULD DO.  I'm going to break away and do different. 

And the really new thing that is happening is that although I might have lost this opportunity to work in the park system, I feel I have written some really great tapes. 

This test is GREAT!!!!  I have passed with A++++   

Today is just a me day!  I awoke this morning and said my only objective is to put a puzzle together that's been sitting on my fridge for a year now.  My goal was to accomplish all my goals and put the puzzle together.  Well, I've done the goals. 

One thing I'm beginning to acknowledge is that in a normal life, there are times I can sit back and read or put a puzzle together.  I do not have to PLAN anything ... I can sit on my back step and just look out onto my yard. 

It's really hard to just let go of the need to push.  I've been working on it since last year when I realized that my PUSHING just stopped me from DOING, BEING.  

Yesterday, there was a job notice for the Cleveland Metro Parks.   I'm going to the job fair!  I'm going to have some fun!  It's totally out of character for me.  It's totally not SAFE or a comfortable place for me. 

Yet, I'm just so happy to be doing this!  I can't wait to attempt it.  It's for folks who are over 50 years old and that means me! 

The work is from April to October. I would love it!  It probably will pay minimum wage and for right now that's okay. 

Last night I acknowledged that I have to do different than anything I've ever done.  I only went to work in offices because I was told by my HS counselor I wasn't capable of going to college. That I needed to be a secretary.  I was told I could do higher level math and I did.   I just learn differently.  It doesnt' mean I lack the mental capability.   Wow, this is a major AHA moment for me and it was bought to me by one of my support group members this morning. 

I am on-track.  And if anyone reads my post today, please send a prayer my way to get this job.  I really truly do want to see if this would have been a good place for me when I was a child...