Messages By: marcia52

Well, I've been expecting all day the sabotage I was going to do to myself this time.  It's a habit .. it's what I always do.  I sabotage myself so bad ... then I pick myself up and continue moving forward.  Taking 1 small, tiny, little, wee step forward.  Derailing when I have reached a really important period in my life.   I am in a lapse.  I've been experiencing so many this sabotage that it's a habit I just do not want any more. 

I, Marcia, choose to stop it.  I will be okay.  I will do just fine.   I have reached another major step in my life.  Exercise is my life style.  I go to the gym 2x a week -- I may not do it this week; however, I will the following week.   

I'm just scared right now and I've learned that the UNKNOWN isn't too bad of a place to be anymore.   It's actually quite a nice place.  I sure do like it better than where I was before ... yep, UNKNOWN is a cool place to be. 

I'm just veg'd ...  The words:  AM I LVING MY LIFE STYLE TODAY has begun to break thru to me.  Everyday I answer ... YES.  And it's just so hard to let go of my PUSHING ...  I've been doing it for months and months and now ....  well, I'm spending another 45 days focusing on whether or not I'm living my life style. 

Last night I sat down and began the hard realization of where I stand on my cooking, cleaning, and exercise goals.  I've been focusing on them for months now. I had to acknowledge that I'm pretty far along with them.  And I'm not all that comfortable with that knowledge.   

My cleaning one just requires me to focus on my chore list.  I don't need to beat myself up or do anything more than that.  I will change the list as appropriate ....  I'm really getting good at following it.  I simply just put a challenge out there and see if I can met it.  It's really weird, cause I've managed to accept myself limitations and look for ways to better myself. 

Today is another HOME DAY.  I really do enjoy the solitude.  I'm going to miss it when it goes away when Sue returns into my life.  Her sister has been up here since last Tuesday and I've seen her only once.  It feels so nice to have so much quietness. I really am enjoying it. 

I also know that this much solitude isn't good for me.  However, I've managed to make meals and stuff without her being here. Now, I'm going to continue and we'll end up fighting again cause that's what happens when I change and make things different in her life (and others too). 

I have a load of clothes in the washer and all the baskets downstairs.  I've been working on my weekly calendar that I created so that I can deal with my I HAVE NO TIME issues.  I'm creating it from scratch because it's just not working ....  and I don't feel like coloring it in anymore! 

Today I'm going to work on finances.  I do not want to do this ... I have so many tapes running that I am still not doing it.  It will cease soon.  Just like all the other life changes I've made in my life since starting the Weight Loss Challenge in 2003 -- I am not her and I'm so far from being her .... 

and yet, I have so much more to do before I have undone the damage of living as a vegetable has caused.   

I know that by this summer, I will have nearly all of these old ways eradicated from my life.   I just wish breaking old habits and replacing them with new ones was easy.  Better yet, I just wish I get there so I can start working on other stuff I want to do in my life! 

Last night I wrote a list of the things I wanted to do today.  I have done most of them!!  I'll finish the list tomorrow.  It was nice ....  I still had time to do other things ....   It's what I worry about a lot. TIME .... I do not have enough time ...   I mean, if I had enough time, I could just sit on the couch and keep my home in order too.    And today, I worked on 3 rooms and sat on the couch ....   It was weird!!! 

I have a list longer than my arm of what I must do.  However, only what I need to do is what is being accomplished.   I really felt good about where I am right now. 

Too bad, I don't know or understand it.  It frightens me only because I have never been here before. Now, well, I'm always asking myself:  DO I WANT TO STOP? 

And I always respond ... NO NO just need to do just a little bit more.  It's really better in my life at this moment than it has ever been in the last 40+ years.  I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I took off the games last night before I went to bed.  I made a Saturday to do list - I've already accomplished 2 of the items again. I even wrote down my goals for this month and next.  I'm not surew what I'm going to accomplish as I'm focusing on exercise right now and menu planning for Tues & Thurs only.   

I feel good about where I'm at right now.  I am wondering how I will get things done for myself.  It will be fine - it always is. 

I wrote a note and put in it the CD holder with the game.  I need to acknowledge that I need to do different the next time I get so overwhelmed.  I managed to continue on focusing on my exercise goal and made it to today.  However, I lost a week of my life ....   

Well, I couldn't get out of bed until almost 11 a.m.  I am physically exhausted.  I've already heard "failure" words popping up; however, I am already connecting-the-dots with the truth. 

I'm not focusing on journaling right now.  I'm using my daily food log to work out what's really going on in my life.  I feel I have quite a bit of stuff I need to work out.  right now, my goal is to exercise every day for 30 minutes.  It's going to be hard cause I just don't want to focus on doing it.  It's crazy I know! 

Next week the support group meets and I'm not sure if we will be able to get our act together!!  I really am exhausted from this ... I feel that I have been working this issue for years and years -- and I have; however, I have to acknowledge that I'm different!  That I have incorporated going to the gym ...  this makes it my 3rd year ...  I need to focus on that fact and not what I'm not doing.  I have made major headway and I keep just looking at the target end goal.  The feelings of failure are lies! 

Today is a down day.  I've got to just allow my brain and body to vegetate!  Doing the 2 hours of gym in 1 day, 2 times this week; and the 4-5 hour shopping trip on Wednesday is enough!!  I will do better!  I just have to plan better that's all. 

And that's my key:  PLANNING ... once I work out how exercise fits into my life style and it replaces stuff, then I can finally move forward at long last!   

Tiny little steps, that's all it's taking .... tiny little steps. 

I did the 2 exercise classes and I know that I am focused on exercise right now and I still have time for cooking (I made oven friend chicken and opened a can of corn) and washing dishes.   

Today, I did live my life style.  I'm pretty proud of me right now  :) 

I'm working out a problem I have with SUCCESS and FEAR ...  When I say SUCCESS, I tense up like when FEAR surfaces.  However, if I say ACCOMPLISHMENTS I get  really relaxed feeling when I recall them. 

I did a visual last night to help me separate the 2 feelings so I can say SUCCESSFUL and receive the harmony I get within when I say ACCOMPLISHMENTS. 

I'm also reflecting still on what my mom said.  It really has me understanding how my WHOLE FAMILY has been living to my mom's tape:  WE ARE POOR ... WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN POOR AND WE WILL ALWAYS BE POOR. 

These are are some really heavy tapes to grow up to.  I will need to dump this lie and replace it with my truth:  I AM RATHER WELL OFF FOR A SINGLE WOMAN.  I OWN MY OWN HOME, MY 92 CAR, I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE AND I RECEIVE A PENSION.  I have more than a lot of people ....  people if they had what I had, would consider themselves weathy! 

Well, it's my usual today ...  I got caught up in the after xmas spending ...  stuff I'm buying ...  I bought a large x-mas tote for the x-mas cookie bins & boxes.  I told mom I thought that I would invite Sonya and Renee to come over for baking cookies.  They can come just for the 1 day.  I have a x-mas tradition goal ... isn't that cool!!! 

I puchased x-mas writing paper too.  Mom suggested we write the kids letters from Santa Claus.   Wouldn't that be cool!!   

Today, I heard my mom say that Tony & Sonya do not plan.  Then a tape went off and I heard my own .....  First I heard - well nobody knows how to plan -- we were never taught.  I wonder if I can teach it to my family.  Wouldn't that be cool. 

Anyway, I've come to the very sad conclusion that I'm not going to be able to stop this nonsense until I begin to go thru my receipts.  I'm really not happy with this .... I really wanted to just do it. However the thing is, I remember a year later cause that's how I've lived my whole life - I never thought about tomorrow really ... I always just lived in the very second of the moment.  Now I have to develop plans, use forms, and checklists.  I have to put into action all the stuff I believe will work this time.  It's why I'm so DISGUSTED with myself!! 

I was here in November - I was practicing it then ... before that I practiced in Sept/Oct and before that - the end of July I believe.  I have been doing and doing and doing and it has finally gotten to the point where I am COMFORTABLE.  Isn't that amazing. 

I want to do something; however, this is the first week of the month and I'm just overwhelmed.   Mom got her fix in today ... 5 hours, I lost consciousness of my eating and ended the day eating so much candy, I'm sick!!!  I've gotten myself all worked up.  I will calm down and when I do, it may be forever.   I know what's going on within me and I also understand that I can now asked the question and have an answer .... 

I've worked so hard on everything that I have analyzed the data and I just need time to implement the plan.     

iT'S SCARING ME TO DEATH!!!  Yep, that's my old fear tape running and it's not true!  I will be just fine when I get pass this place in my life.   I will remember these years & days as just memories that will slowly lose their freshness cause I will have so many happy ones to replace them with. 

I have so many behaviors I'm dealing with at one time.  It's kinda strange actually.  I really feel that "REMEMBERING" is the hardest thing I can do right now.   I feel that I really lost it ...   I remembered the nightmare I awoke from in the early 90's when I first started on this path to wholeness ...  I awoke stating I had cross over into insanity and I came back.  Isn't that weird? 

Anyway, it's January 1st and I got new experiments to attempt in getting a handle on my money - and whether or not it's January 1st or February 1st, that goal is ongoing every month!! 

And i'm dealing with my "MENU PLANNING" self-talk and it's really sad how I've allowed myself NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IT IS I CAN DO NOW!!   I actually have made a couple of dishes and have added them to my growing list of WHAT I CAN PREPARE. 

And then there's EXERCISE.  I sabotaged myself last night by playing computer game that never allowed me to finish a game!  Am I sick or what!!???  I made it to the 9a.m. class and went shopping & yes, I spent $$ ...  and listened to what I was saying to myself.  Well, back to exercise -- I then went back to the 2nd class and found it okay. I didn't feel like I needed to defend myself ... I really felt good about myself ... I can't wait for Thursday when I can see about the noon yoga class I signed up for. 

Yes, there's quite a bit on my plate and as you can see in my writing, they all are enmeshed. 

My healthy life style goal started on 11/18/2003 

My homemaker goal started on 8/2004 

My money manager goal started on 6/1/2005 

All 3 of these goals are coming to closure and it's really scary!  I WANT THIS TO BE OVER WITH and yet, what will my life be like again. 

Wasn't it just a few months ago I wrote these same words!? 

And earlier this year, I cried because I was giving it up.  As much as I hated my life!  I never felt so safe. 

Later I learned that what I was experiencing was FEAR.  In fact, a childhood fear tape I wrote when I was so young and then kept adding to it ....  IT WAS SO POWERFUL that I truly felt I was dying last May when some of my goals were coming to closure.    

Today I have decided to post here ...  I really don't fit on the SELF MATTERS site ... I believe only 1 of the women who post with me actually has read the entire book and has been using it to change her life.  I need to do different ... I am different.