Some days I'm just a lost soul? I've had a confusing week, three times I've awoken in the early hours of the morning and yelled out some obscenity - Fruit loops!, screaming, yelling and a collection of words that I didn't understand (mumbo jumbo, no I wasn't talking in tongues), as I tried to frustratingly (is there such a word), tell them all (family), that I do matter and so do my opinions. The confusing thing is why did this happen this week? Everyday I suffer some form of anxiety I accept that with the life I've had, but some times I just think give me a break. I've had years of therapy which has helped me tremendously. The anxieties use to be harder and of longer periods of time to deal with because I didn't understand them, so I couldn't deal with them. But I suppose now I've had plenty of practice over the years to figure them out and now I get on top of them alot sooner. My doctor would tell me in the early days eventually you'll work out what's going on in your head (like you'll catch it out)and be able to get on top of it more and more each time. It was so true although it took years to get to that stage. Lifes a struggle when you don't understand what's going on with your feelings so because of so much practice I can now get on top of things alot quicker these days, hooray! But as I was saying this ones a dilemma. Recently I went through a period of about three weeks when every night I couldn't sleep until about 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning or on some occasions, I was awake all night 'til the birds started to tweet and I'd say to myself "good morning birdys", then turn and take a glance at my adorable partner sleeping peacefully next to me, (that sounds like it should be in a novel). But then I worked it out and that was important to me. I'm not talking about dealing with everyday anxieties that I face regurally but more the big doozy ones that just stop me in my tracks. My mum and I don't have a relationship at all and every year when xmas comes around, I feel abit lost. Then I come good, her birthday is about two weeks after that which surprisingly doesn't concern me, but this year after the xmas festivities I fell into a trap and couldn't get out. Then one day I figured it out. My doctor has said to me in the past when I'm not sure of what's going on in my head to think back over the past two weeks, something has happened to set these feelings off (the mind is so fruit-looping powerful)and when you work it out, small or not, you'll then understand. Well I new that mum had sent me another xmas card (the only communication we have), but something was different about it this year. Oh yes I forgot, the little p.s note she left me after she wished me a good following year. 'Just letting you know that I am moving house in early march, subject to finance'. What? You already don't wish to speak to me and you've written a note to tell me that the house I don't visit you in is no longer going to be available for me to visit you in anymore because you won't be there (like that's going to effect me) and now you're going somewhere else which no doubt you'll let me know in time (propably when you send my next birthday card in march, the only other contact you have) so I can not visit you again in your new home, ooh lah! No I'm not bitter, don't give me some religious quote, some people are just out right selfish and to rude to change and mend there ways and she's one of them, mother or not. I suppose I just have to accept that she's never going to change and if what she does justifys her guilt, then so be it, but I don't lose sleep over it anymore, literally. It's like the whole event confused me because it was like a double wammy of rejection, I don't see you now and I won't be seeing you again then, but at least you'll know where I am whilst I'm rejecting you and no I don't feel ashamed, oh slap me in the face mum. Do I sound pissed of, I suppose I do a bit, but that's probably normal. I don't think I'll ever fully accept
our ways but I sure have learnt and am still learning to live my life my way. To tell you the truth I couldn't handle the thought of getting close to her, it makes me feel so frightened and scared I just couldn't bare it, it brings a nervousness over me and that creepy feeling that you get behind your head when you feel uncomfortable about something -oohhh yuk! Any hoot my heads a little confused at the moment and I think it's actually got to do with this new campaign I've being trying to get myself and my family started on since the start of the year, to lose some weight and we have PLENTY to lose, would anybody like some it's going cheap. All my life I've being slim and in the past several years (when I started to get therapy, funny that), I started to wack it on, 30-35 kilos (80 90 Ibs I think), and now I believe for the first time that I'm ready to tackle it head on. I've had many attemps but my mind really wasn't ready, so I put it off until I new I was capable. I think now I am, it's just that so far the hare is winning the race, but the turtle is not far behind - slow and steady wins the race. |
