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December 18, 2004, 9:46 am
my life
when i was about 4 years old Joe(my father but i don't think of him like that) started to sexualy abuse me it continue for about 10 years. I thought it was normal because i wasn't surrond by any other family so i guess i thought that it was suppose to happen. i started useing drugs at age 8 to cover up the pain and i had a strong feeling that my mother knew what was going on but never helped me, one time she walk in the room when joe was doing stuff to me and she look at me and walked out i was 8 at the time. Joe was very mean to me and my older brother for no reason. One time when i was eight years old i didn't have dinner on the table fast enough so he picked up the frying pan and beat me with it to be honest i rather have had the physicla abuse and name calling then the sexual abuse. i am now 23 years old married and scared that when me and my husband have kids that the same things will happen to them. Joe is In prison but soon he will be getting out and that scares me he writes me letters and he knows where i live my husband said that he will never let him hurt me again but i really don't beleave him becuse no man has ever protected me. i love my husband with all mmy heart but deep down i am also so scared of him and he didn't do anything to make me feel that way. My head is so messed up i really don't know what to do sometimes i feel that my problems in the past have caused so my pain on our realationship that he might just leave. most of the time i don't want to deal with the pain that i feel like everyone would be better off with out me. |
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