Messages By: pearl2purl

It continues in a whole 'nother regard. No sooner have I gotte through with one abusive, controlling manipulative man than another comes along to try to step into that vacant space. The downstairs neighbor has decided to do his usually springtime nutsery campaign. Every spring this guy throws a fit when i start doing the groundswork I am paid by the owner of the property to do. This includes building, planting and maintaining a vegetable garden in the back. This year it was decided to do raised vegetable beds (the two-bed idea became on larger, more octagonal shaped bed, instead of two little boring squares.) And we decided to do a three-tiered strawberry pyramid as well. So, not only does he have an issue with my upstairs neighbor's dog, whom he has physically attacked with a 2x4, but he is kicking in the sides of the strawberry bed, disturbing and killing the plants on the bottom tier, because he doesn't like where it is, and he refuses to use the brick walkway to go down to take his trash to the dumpster area. He insists on using the drainage path from the hose on the patio, which now flows around the strawberry pyramid, and soaks in versus being leaked all down the sidewalk and wasted entirely. So he insists on walking in the mud, and claims he won't stop kicking the pyramid until I move it. He also has insisted that MY back and front porch is there for him to use as well, because he doesn't have one. I have found a small mirror among the plants that needed to be set in, and that prompted a call tot he police for "peeping Tom." A couple days later he was making verbal threats to both Christa and me, so that prompted another call tot he police, for which he was arrested. A couple days later, he escalated to the point of throwing a metal chair at Christa and hitting her with it. That prompted another call to police, at which time he was arrested again for assault and battery, probably in the third degree. And if the D.A. doesn't take this seriously, it will only escalate tothe point where he actually does hurt or kill someone. On each of the last two arrests they have pulled three guns out of his house each time. the first time it was three rifles, one with a scope, all loaded and chambered, and standing right at the door, and ready to fire, all of them. The next arrest they pulled three more guns, all handguns this time, but all of them loaded and ready to fire. This guy is a serious threat to not just our safety, but to the safety of everyone in the general vicinity. He's always been a danger to himself, ever since I first moved here, so nothing has changed there, it's just gotten worse. I really hope the landlord's letter to all the tenants, stating who can be where, and where HE can and cannot sit, will help the situation. If it doesn't, then I guess Hell Month - June '05 will continue. I just want to have a peaceful bithday this year, and to have some fun. That is all I can ask for. The Cosmos has helped me to get free, that is all the gift I needed. Now just some time to stretch my wings before the folks get too sick, and need more of my time. I'm not bitter or angry about the folks going to be needing me a lot more in the future; I knew this all along, and am prepared and ready to meet the needs at hand. I look forward to spending more time with them, but I would like just a little more time to taste my new-found freedom before the obligations really have to kick in and take priority. Will write again soon......

I gotta tell ya, I will be so glad to see this month end. It has been a rough one from start to finish, but finish it we will. A lot has happened. The company has been founded, and we have several lines of product in the two locations. There is only one problem . . . it isn't selling out of the retail locations. Now that I have seen both of the displays in the locations themselves, I can see why. You can't see the product, and it's stuck in some out of the way places where you don't even know it is there. In the one location the stuff is way down by the floor . . . not even at waist level. You can't see it, you can't smell it, you can't touch it. No wonder it's sitting there like a bump on a log. In the other location, which I saw for the firsttime today, it's hidden around the corner from the main door, on a shelf in a dark cabinet. It's sitting flat on the shelf, and all you can see is the edge of the soap, which isn't decorative on any of them. So there are definately some issues to be dealt with in the coming months. The relationship between Tom and I is ABSOLUTELY over. It is so true what the good Dr. says; after you break up, you remember all the cute and cuddly things about the person, and fantasize about the person you wished they had been, instead of who they really are. When you get back together, it only takes you about two weeks to figure out why you broke up in the first place. This is so true of Tom and I. After about four months apart, I was tired of getting screwed over the money he owes on the lease. The first M.O. he sent was a week late to hit the due date for the rent, and he didn't fill in, but he did sign it. The check cashing place he bought it from wouldn't cash it without it being filled in in his handwriting (which is very distinctive), and they insisted on having the actual purchase receipt before they would even touch it. The explanation given me was that they thought it might be stolen, and I had to prove it wasn't. And as you know, they charge a hefty fee for cashing anything over $100. So even though the M.O. was written in the proper amount, it cost almost $20 to cash it so I could replace the funds I had spent to cover bill so it wouldn't be late. So screwed $20 on the first month. Second month he sent another M.O., but it was for less money than the half of the rent he owed. I figured beggars can't be choosy, so I took it and made no fuss. Wrong thing to do. Now he figured he would be as late as he wanted, and pay me whatever amount he jolly well felt like. So screwed almost $50 on the second month. That's $70 so far. Third month I didn't hear from him and didn't hear from him. I knew he was stillliving at the Newhouse, so I wrote him a letter, telling him that I expected him to honor the agreement he made, and would pressit to litigation if he did not. He came by the next week, with $100. He said that things were bad at work, and sales were off. I accepted the money and told him he could pay me $100 a week -- hand-delivered -- until the end of the lease agreement. He jumped at that, because he knew that he had his foot in the door. At first, he was comporting himself in a gentlemanly fashion; but we all know that manners are usually only skin-deep, and manners can cover a whole lot of nastiness underneath. This is true of Tom. He figured if he was able to gloss over everything, he could get the kink out of his tail enough to wriggle out of this agreement that HE insisted on. The next week when he came we talked, and when he left, he "forgot" to leave the money with me. He has always been REALLY defensive when it comes to money, so I said nothing at the time, but he called the next day to say he'd simply "forgotten" and brought it by that night. The next week he "forgot" again, after having a three-course meal and two glasses of wine, but this time he didn't call the next day. So I called him that same Monday, told him that he needed to come by and give me something, didn't he? He "just can't imagine what that would be", so I reminded him. He came right over, and to "make up for his mistake" we had sex. Oh whoopee . . . it was just as bad as I remembered. When he left I told him he needed to be here every Sunday to pay me, and no more forgetting. The next week, he showed up on time, but dollars short -- $40 short -- "another really bad week." By this time I'm getting pretty shirty with it all. My sense of humor has faded. This is all part and parcel of his inability to give his word, commit to it, and actually follow through in any fashion at all. His normal routine is, "Yes! this sounds like a great idea! I'm all down to do this! Let's do it on this day . . ." Then let the wriggling begin! He would come up with every excuse in the book why it wouldn't be a good idea, how we can't afford it (even if whatever it was happened to be free), how it was too much of a pain to do it, and if I hadn't given in by then he would fake a paranoia attack right before we were going to leave to do whatever it was. Sometimes I would cancel whatever it was and just not go -- he got his reward -- or just give up and go by myself -- he gets his reward again. This time he ain't going to wriggle out of it. After shorting me for a second week, $30 this time, he didn't cll at all on Sunday morning. I called him as soon as I got up, before I'd had any coffee . . . always a good way to get it on for me. I simply asked him what he'd planned to do that day. He said he was going to go on a long bike ride and get away from the city for a while. I asked "Is that all?" and he said. "yeah," and he had no plans to come by today. I asked him, "I need to know what you intend to do regarding the payment of your half of the lease, for the peace of mind of me, my house, business and finaces," and he flatly said, "I can't pay you this week." My response was, "Oh, I don't think so." He tried that, "It's April, it's tax season, and it's been a bad week for business" all in one sentence . . . as if lumping it all together somehow makes it somehow more believable. Then he said, "Why do you keep asking me about his when you know I can't come up with it?" Then the fight was on. I told him, that I didn't care what his problem was, it was no longer mine, and I expected him to keep his word, which he he still hadn't been doing. He came up with the, 'I'm supporting two household now, and I can't do it'. I told him to do whatever he had to do to get the money, sell blood, sell your sperm, sell one of the rings I'd returned . . . he admitted that he didn't have the rings anymore, so he couldn't come up with it because he had nothing left to sell. Then I got to get the heart-shot -- sell one of the things that's more precious to you than ME -- one of your 'priceless' guitars. He came back with, 'Well, you know where the deposit to the house you're living in came from? MY SISTER. And I'm still paying her back for it, even five years later.' I said I could care less where it came from, and reminded him that he'd obviously lied when he told me it had all been paid back, and where it really came from. I reminded him that every morsel of food he'd stuffed in his mouth over the last five years came from me and my family, and that definately added up to more than $1200. I then told him that I expect to be paid on time, every time, no more excuses, and if he did not follow through I would move heaven and earth to collect it. All of a sudden his tone changed. Oh, he didn't want to take this to litigation, he'd do anything to avoid that. So I told him, "GOOD. BE HERE IN ONE HOUR OR I WILL COME TO YOUR HOTEL AND RAISE HELL UNTIL I GET IT. ONE HOUR!" He was here within an hour. And if I have to, I will take him to small claims court if he even breathes balking on the agreement again. I feel better now, just knowing that the skunk really hadn't changed his stripes, and he'd fooled everyone but me. You see, I have a theory, borne from working in a high-pressure industry where people talk big, but rarely produce what they say they can. The theory is really simple; ANYBODY can put on a good show for three weeks. On the fourth week it when you see what they're really made of. Even if the timeline is off, the sentiment is still true . . . if you give people enough time, they will show you their true colors, without a doubt. He didn't fool me thistime, and I was able to play it out long enough for him to hang himself. He thought he had me suckered again, that I would croon the "Oh, poor baby, I'll go along with whatever you say," and now he knows differently. And he is fully aware that if I have to take him to court I do have the law on my side, and if I prevail I can chase him all across the United States to get it. Since he feared this most, and placed the most value on dollars and cents instead of people and their emotions, then this scenario is exactly what he created. I had to break out of that scenario he was controlling in order to get my life back. And now I really feel different, as if I have my own life back; that I am truly not going to let him jerk the strings of my life to get his jollies at my expense any longer. i am seeing myself in a whole differnt way over the last few days. i know that sounds so horribly cliche, but it is true. I see myself differently, as if a veil has been lifted, and i can see reality clearly for the first time in a long time. Instead of just saying, "Iam a beautiful woman, and I deserve to be treated well, and be loved" I FEEL it, and the response is growing. i'm smiling more, laughing more, flirting a little, and enjoying myself more than I have in years; I really believe taking back my own power, and refusing to give it up even to him has truly made the difference. I BELIEVE what my internal dialogue is saying to me, and it's all good! Whoo-Hoo! I like this, and I don't ever want to live any other way anymore.

Well, as is typical not everything goes according to the best-laid plans. I knew that not everybody was going to be happy bout what I was doing, my mother among them, and the last time we talked, she really let me know. Granted, she was having a bad day, and Dad is being a bit of a pill, but I caught the backlash on this one. The first question out of her mouth was, "So, how much are you making off of this? And how much have you SPENT so far?" I don't know . . . you tell me one business that turns a profit and has completely black books from the very beginning, and I'll show you somebody cookin' the books to make it all look good. So far I have invested less than $300 to get this business of the ground, and went from concept to retail in less than 6 weeks. I don't expect black books yet . . . the oils alone cost almost $100, but that investment will be the worst of it. It will also realize itself in the form of several different products, so I am not worried about that. I just wish, that of all the people in the world, she would be the one to say, "You know what, honey? I believe in you, and I know you can make this work. I am going to back you, 100%, and I will be there no matter what you need from me." Truly, this is one of my best ideas yet, making the soap and candles,and it is affordable to do, and affordable for others to purchase and use. I also know that other women have used this idea to springboard their own home businesses. They are also small cottage-type businesses, and doing well, but haven't tapped out the market especially here in town.There is room for one or two more, especially in a town of this size. I just have to keep on plugging away. I know what I am doing is the right thing for me, and can be the great outlet I have wanted for so long. So -- NOTE TO SELF -- BE STRONG -- BE LIGHT AND SWIFT -- THE DREAMS WILL BE YOURS IF ONLY YOU PERSERVERE.

Geez, so much has happened since I last wrote. Let's see if I can get it all in, but one step at a time. First of all, taking a new attitude with friends and family has, and still is, paying off. Some folks ain't too happy about it, but they don't get a vote anymore. I have taken a stand to live my life the way I choose to live it and acording to my own design, and not according to everyone else's design for me. All but one have gotten over it, and have learned to respect the "new" me, the one who does say "no", the one who is taking time for herself, and is making other people wait on me for a change. I realized that with fewer distractions from friends, I have a lot of extra energy, and I have found a really cool and useful way to channel that energy. About 6 weeks ago I had the idea for a home-based business of my own, one that is afforable, and fun, and allows me to be all the creative I want to be -- and have been dying to be -- all these years. I started having dreams about doing this business, those "technicolor-BE-THERE" dreams. I could see the products and feel them in my hands, and smell the delicious scents as they bloomed, the heat of the stove as I worked. This wasn't just one dream, it was every night for about a week. I started to think about it, and just for grins I looked up a couple of websites dealing with the products I would need to get started, and costing it all out, and figured out that it really WAS feasible for me to do this, at least on a small scale to begin with. I talked with a friend of mine, and told her my idea. She was ECSTATIC about it, and immediately offered to carry the products I intended to make in her new salon, thus providing me with a ready source to off-load finished products from the very beginning. So, about three weeks after I first had the dreams, I decided to make the dream a reality -- I ordered the first of the materials, and set the wheels into motion. As I made ready for the first issues of my products, I did have a few doubts, but as I worked I knew it was going to be okay. As I handed out the first samples for the "quality control check" I was secure in the feedback I knew I was going to get. I knew that this venture was righteous, and the product itself was a winner -- something everyone uses, if they are even in the slightest bit civilized, and THESE products any woman who likes to be pampered in the bathtub will knock down ten healthy longshoremen to get to THESE. I can say this with absolute confidence -- I have just had a little trial run with my latest product -- and if I wasn't able to make this stuff myself, I would pay $10 - $15 a treatment for it -- and have in the past, never knowing it only costs about $1.25 to make. Just wait until the girls get a load of this . . . And to top it all off, I gave a sample to he lady right next door. She's got a couple of kids, and as is every mother of little ones, she is stressed out to the maximum, and she can use a really relaxing bath just to take the rough edges off the day. After she tried the sample I gave her she pre-paid for ten of the small size -- then told me she knows and is really good friends with the owner of the little boutique down the street, who is always looking for new products to sell. She took the ten little ones I made for her right to the boutique, and this lady tells my neighbor to send me down as soon as possible with all the products I have made up. So I grab a basket and throw in everything I had wrapped and labeled and ran right down there. She was just getting ready to leave, but she stopped and made time for me. Within fifteen minutes we had negotiated a commission deal for all of the products, and she is anxious to see anything else I can come up with. This is so cool! I have never seen anything just fall into perfect place like this before, and just want to keep riding the wave here. My feet are still moving to keep pace with the current, though -- this ain't no "free ride" where I just get to sit back and cruise along. I have earned every bit of this, and this is the reward of finally being able to "get real" and make the changes in me that I needed to make to live my truest, and most authentic life ever! I am keeping those webbed tootsies moving, so I can keep the momentum going. Day by day I am writing a new history for myself, and it is all within my grasp now. I know that these things are not just a "one-off", never-to-be-repeated. I see it all around me, with all of my friends who are taking the time and the effort to get real themselves and live their authentic lives as well. All of us are experiencing some of the most phenomenal successes we have ever had in our lives. This is no accident, and this is no charade. This is what is means to have purpose, and to live the life you were born to live. Sure, all of us hae been faced with exactly the demons which have so plagued us in the past, and all of us have been able to STAND AND DELIVER in ways we never had before, to be strong, be tough, and to hold fast to what we KNOW is right for each of us. I hope this will be of help, and maybe some inspiration to someone else out there who is having a bad day. Just know that if you stay true to what you know you need, eventually it will all come around -- and maybe a whole lot sooner than you think.

After a bad, feverish night on Saturday, I got up on Sunday morning and decided to just make a call and find out just what was up. I'd considered during the night that maybe it was just as he'd said -- February is usually a VERY slow month at the shop. So, could I reasonably assume, without any other evidence, that we were, indeed, at war? It turns out that we are, in fact, NOT at war; had I just assumed such and reacted that way it would have been a very bad mistake. When I called he was very polite and pleasant, for once. He had the money order on him, and was just putting it into an envelope. I'm glad I called . . . I was flat broke, and even from just four or five blocks away it would take 4 days to get here . . . that means I'd have been broke until Thursday or Friday. So it worked out that I called just in the nick of time. He was here within 15 minutes to bring it to me. We sat out on the front porch for a time, and just talked. At first he had a hard time meeting my gaze, but eventually we made eye contact. There is definately a different look there now. After a while I invited him to come inside, so we could speak in private. It turns out that there have been some pretty dramatic changes, but there are more that need to be made. And not just on his part, either. One thing we both realized as we were comparing notes is that right now, and maybe longer than that, we need to be away from each other, living arrangements-wise. He is happier in a smaller environment where he has full control over what is going on. He does his own work, and he's happier about it. That totally cool by me. For me, I am happier also being on my own. It's a hell of a lot easier to take care of one person than it is of two, and being a nocturnal creature at heart, it is hard to make one's self be something one just is not. I tried so hard to be what was expected of me, but I like the newer, more authentic me much much better. I was able to talk to him in a whole new way; I'm not a "kid" to him any more, and it is clear that he is not the father figure here any more. In fact after he had looked around and seen all the improvements I have been able to make to the place since we broke up, his words were, and I quote, "You've done so much better without me than you ever did with me. You can't screw that up now." So, there have been some real changes taking place. He will be by again on Sunday . . . We agreed that it would help the cash flow situation here if he could pay me a little bit each week. So he will be by each Sunday to give what he can. Maybe along the way we can figure out who each other REALLY is, with all of the smoke and mirrors and illusions of the past put side. I do not feel like I am getting sucked back in, and I know everyone who has seen him here is thinking just that. He is not moving back in, we are not having any physical-type contact with our clothes off, and all that is going on is talk. Nobody really wants to hear that, and that is okay, too. We will just have to wait and see what goes on here and what does or doesn't happen. It will all play out as it should.

As I thought and had feared, he didn't come by with the money tonight, as I had hoped and secretly expected him to do. But as usual, nothing with him is EVER straight-forward, or easy. So I guess it's time for a "next move." There is a possibility he may come by tomorrow, as it is his day off, but I really doubt that he will. He's already a week late on the payment -- I should have had it last week in time to do the rent. I covered the entire amount myself, but that is not the point. The point is, he owes the money, and "slow business month" or not, enough is enough -- sell something, do SOMETHING. Pay what you can and make a contract for the rest, payable by the end of the month in weekly installments. Whatever . . . just "GIT'R DONE!!!" I gave him back every piece of jewelry he ever gave me, and unless they were fakes, some of them are worth a pretty price, especially if they are marketed as the antiques he said they were. He also has four guitars -- 3 of them electric, with a Fender Hot Rod Deville amplifier, a bass guitar with a nice practice amp, and a few other assorted goodies he could sell to make up the difference. So, as far as I see it, and I did know his devious side best of all, this is just a power ploy on his part. He is the ultimate chessman, and this is just like him. So, I have a few choices to make. I could make a phone call tomorrow night to ask him what he intends to do about this. The note in the mail simply said, "I'll have it to you ASAP." That is very vague and ambiguous, and gives me no sense of WHEN it will be taken care of. This has ever been a problem in our relationship, he always said he would do things, then conveniently forget about it, or wait for me to bring it up again so he could feel justified in blasting me for being a nag. I haven't said word one all week. I have been patient, but I don't intend to be patient much longer. If I call him tomorow night it could tip him off that I am itchin', and have another move in mind. Now on the other hand, I could "just happen" to be at the hotel when he arrives home from work on Monday night. I could ask him -- in person, outside the confines of the hotel -- what he intends to do, how much he can give me RIGHT THEN AND THERE to cover the bills he has just let slip. Sure, he's paying rent somewhere else, but he still is legally OBLIGATED by the lease for these bills, too. And besides that, he brought up the arrangement, and insisted that he pay his half until the lease runs. All of a sudden it ain't so easy when I ain't footin' half of the bills for him. Maybe now he'll get it that I WAS doing more than my fair share.

So far it seems to be working, this re-training people how to treat me. By learning how to say "NO" and stick by it, people are learning that I am no longer the chief-cook-and-problem-solver, jack-of-all-trades, master-of-all-but-mine. Case in point, it used to be that when our local neighbors had things to give away, they would automatically assume that I would take the item, no matter what it was, and try to find a way to use it, no matter how I might hate the item. It had been considered, when Tom was around, that "A" we were so broke he would never stoop to buy anything (neither new nor used), and "B" he considered it an "honor" of sorts that people would want to give their junk to us. Hmph . . . some honor. Now, I have decided that there are some pieces that I just really don't like, and they have found their way out to the dumpster (the local "recycle" bin . . . any bit of usable furniture doesn't last any longer than a half-hour. It's gone before the dust even settles on it.) Today Shannon decided to "break the ice" and talk to me by offering me an old, worn-out, broken-down computer chair that is giving her back fits. First, I didn't jump to answer the phone when I saw it was her. I waited to even pick up the message, and when I heard what she wanted, I decided that it wasn't necessary to give an immediate call-back, that she could wait until I'd run my errands, and gotten my medicine in me -- the medicine was more a priority. On the way to the store I ran into both she and Christa, and when she asked me if I'd gotten her message and wanted the chair. I said yes, I'd gotten the message; but at the moment I am in a stage of getting rid of some things rather than adding to, but thank you anyway. Christa just smiled and nodded, saying "Way to go! You said no, and did it gracefully." It feels good to do this. I feel more and more at home with my own opinion, and with my own truest thoughts. I am really appreciating this, and others are beginning to respond to the "change in policy." Now, let's see if it goes as well with Tom, assuming he actually comes to pay me this week. He is already a week late, which has put me in a bind already. If he doesn't come tomorrow night, then I will have to call him on Sunday, and see what he can come up with, even if I have to go down there to collect it. I put in the Air tonight, Let all go well, and let him see that I, too, deserve respect and dignity. I am worthy of it, and I claim it for myself. Let him pay that which is fairly owed, and let it be civilly handled by both parties. Amen. As I will it now, so mote it be.

I have learned, again, that you can't fix what you don't acknowledge, and no body can fix you but you. Shannon waited a week to come and talk to me, to "find out why I did what I did" and why I was so angry with her that night. I explained it to her, very succinctly -- she had made some bad choices, not just at 3:30 in the morning but earlier in the evening (obviously, if she was that shit-faced) and that I wasn't going to let her be drunk and stupid around me or in my house. I also let it be known that she wasn't going to blame everybody else for her own actions and choices, or the consequences that arise from those poor choices. Needless to say, she didn't like what I had to say, and ran out of the house before I could finish what I was saying. Just goes to prove my original point: she's a candy-ass and expects the entire world to "be gentle with her" and coddle her like a new-born innocent babe. Huh. We all know how far that will fly . . . about 2 yards, then gravity takes over. I finally got a chance to talk to Christa about it. I told her that basically as far as the "mentoring" of her roommate is concerned, I am DONE. I will be as polite to her as I am with everybody else, but there is no possibility of a real, deep friendship. She also understands why this is, having been in this situation before with other friends of hers. She also agrees with me that this is no coincidence, happening three times in a row so close together. I have a need to STAND UP for myself and for my right to live my life as I wish to live it, authentically, fully, and with life-affirming passion. I need my time and my energy to fix what is going on in ME and to make all of those things right that have so long been needing attention. If I divert my energy into someone else's problems, then I loose all momentum in my own life. So I need to stay focused, and not get sucked into any other negative situation. I am doing, for once, what I KNOW is right, instead of what everyone else WANTS me to do. It's pissin' a few people off, but that's the breaks of the game. As my mantra says, "It's YOUR life! LIVE IT! I intend to do just that.

Well, if it is true that "you teach people how to treat you" by how you act and react to various situations, then I guarantee that with this situation with Shannon I did definately "Git'R Done." I guarantee that she will never show up at my door either drunk, or at 3:30 in the morning. And I hope she got the message . . . TAKE YOUR KEYS WITH YOU WHEN EVER YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, 'CAUSE THE FRONT DOOR JUST MIGHT BE LOCKED WHEN YOU GET BACK. So when you tot up the chits, it ain't all bad news. This could actually solve a few problems . . . she had been spending a lot of time down here, being pathetic and hysterical and depressed, generally allowing herself to fall back on old, bad past behaviour patterns, an avoiding doing what hse needed to be doing. In the meantime, I 'm not getting done the things I need to be doing because she's spending her time camped over her and I have to "entertain" and answer all her questions. Hey, nobody ever spared my feelings, and played "Poor, Poor Pussy" for ME. I agree that some of the best lessons I ever learned unfortunately were the harshest ones; those are the one that break through the preconceived notions and make one really think and go, "Hmmmmmm . . . I gotta take another look at this, because something went terribly wrong, and I don't want to do THAT again." Well, and so far I have hit the Trifecta . . . hit the boundaries with Tom, and Amber, and Shannon. The two other guys, Brandon and Jason, no problems there. If some arise i will take are of it from there, but hopefuly nothing needs to be said. Both seem to have a goodly amount of common sense.

I had intended to at least apologize to Shannon for blowing my temper when she came to my house the other night, completely plowed, banging on the door to her apartment because she'd locked herself out (trying to wake Christa, who was also completely plastered). She banged on the door for 20 minutes before she broke the window and then woke me up -- again -- because she'd cut her hand and was dripping blood all over. I was sorry about blowing my cool, but I am not now. When I went up to say something to her, she let me know that "now was not the time to get into it." Well. Then there won't be a time to get into it. Little Miss Diva-Queen can just do without the apology. If I am not allowed to show honest-to-goodness anger at 3:45 in the a.m. -- for someone waking me up and being stupid, then ASSUMING they can just make themselves at home on my couch until they can get it together, and be as belligerent as they please -- then she doesn't need to be around me. If she's going to be so candy-assed and so PRECIOUS about her feelings then she just be that way without my help or advice. I don't need people who are that thin-skinned around me. Glad I found this out now, instead of a year from now. Eliminates a whole lot of wasted time and effort.

Today was a peaceful day . . . for once none of the world came knocking upon my door. I was truly able to take care of myself, and am glad of that. True, it will probably get a little "sanitary" with fewer people's problems to solve, but that's okay. If and when I ever get bored, there are a whole lot of things I have been wanting to do, and God willing I will have the strength and the motivation to do them all. But right now getting over this flu is the main objective, then I can motor with confidence and strength. Nothing real earth-shattering today, so a short entry. Let the rest of the world take care of itself!!!

One thing I have figurred out about all of this "changing how people treat you" is this . . . It is far easier for people to blame their problems on others than to look into themselves for the source. It is my quest, through all of this, to figure out why I do what I do . . . not to try to fix the problems of all those in my world, as I have done in the past. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm alone here in this . . . not in the world in general, but in the sphere of "friendships" I am in now. I really feel like I am getting it right, in regards to me, and what I am and what I do; and I am beginning to see some patterns pretty clearly; and lo and behold, none of them really have to do with other people. It all has to do with what I have allowed myself to believe, and how I have let other people's opinions matter more than my own good sense. I just wish I could get it through the "friends" heads that their problems have nothing to do with me . . . and they need to take responsibility for their own lies (and lives) and fix their own problems. One friend has preached to me over and over again, "If you want the rewards of your own work, you gotta do your own work." Yeah, like she should talk. She has the gall to accuse me of being her "abuser", painting herself out to be the "victim" of "mental rape." I have no idea what in the heck she is talking about, and wouldn't do anything to harm her or anyone else. She says all he wants is just "peace", yet she is the biggest sh*t-stirrer in the crowd. If I take responsibility for something I didn't do, then she'll agree to be my friend again. Oh, I don't think so. With friends like that, I do not need any enemies. Again, I can't fix her attitude, or convince her any differently no matter how hard I try; so why even try? I'd call this one a "one-trial lesson". So I am going to go on my own way. I am going to continue with my path, and follow where it may lead me. I know that by being true to my authentic self that everything will turn out okay, and I have every chance to have real and true and life-lasting happiness. I just gotta hold the line, and make the boundaries stick. If I can't respect myself enough to hold firm to what I believe, want and truly need, then no one else will either.

It's been two months since I kicked Tom out, and slightly less time than that since I discovered that all of our relationship was a lie, that he'd been cheating on me for 4.5 years. So far most things are going better, I am finally able to sleep some and my friends are more or less supportive, even though both sets seem to have their own agenda for my progress. I haven't looked for a job yet, at this point I don't have to -- I have enough in the bank to ride it out a bit longer. I would like the effects of the last concussion to fadea bit more before I go try to put myself on the line. I still stutter some, and am still having a bit of trouble with math, so chefing isn't quite feasible right now. Amber has realized that my cooking for them just isn't an option, thank the Lord for that. I had made up my mind that I just didn't want to do it, and to do something that doesn't benefit me in any way just to please her is just a continuation of the old program/pattern I so want to change. I am so glad that she realized it on her own, and came to me woman-to-woman and told me that she understood, and that she didn't want me to do it. She also wants to be more intimate and hands-on with the food she eats, so she can really participate in the weight loss she wants to achieve for herself. I agree that this is a good idea, the more time you spend working on and prepping the food you want to nourish your body with, the more control over your food you have and the less time available to be eating junk food!!! But both she and Christa still seem to have an agenda when it comes to my progress and healing . . .Amber wants me to get/order business cards to promote my business, which isn't even started officially yet. I personally think it's jumping the gun a bit, especially when I haven't even made one garment for sale, to be promoting and buying expensive cards. I haven't even had time to work on my own wardrobe yet, and I deserve it most!!!! So I have to stand my ground here and let her know that I'm just not ready to go there yet, but when I am, I will let her know. I don't mind making something for her here and there, but it isn't a good idea to promote a business that isn't even off the ground yet. And as far as Christa goes, she is pushing me to make contact with Greg. NO PRESSURE THERE, no, none at all . . . (weak sarcastic laugh). For God's sake, I only got single 6 weeks ago . . .I can barely sleep in the bed we shared; I AM NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, FORM OR FASHION READY FOR ANY KIND OF MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP. This guy has only met me once, we had a few drinks and he spent the night alone in my bed, while I slept on the couch. The only reason why he got to stay is he was too drunk to drive all the way back up to the mountains. I was so sick from all the alcohol that nothing happened. Yeah, I was excited, but when I started having a panic attack, I realized I was doing the same thing all over again; I was trying to be nice to this guy to please other people, not because I really gave two figs about him. Sure, I'm sure he's a GREAT guy, and sure, he's been hurt badly before (let's all play our tiny violins), and yes, I'm sure he could use a good woman, but since when is it written in stone that I have to be the one to go out with him and fix all of this? I DO NOT WANT THIS RESPONSIBILITY. And who says that when I am ready to date again that it has to be him that I go out with? Don't I get any say in this? So what if he's "willing to be patient", in hindsight, I do not find him all that attractive; he is severely overweight, he drinks like a fish, he snores like sixty, he sweats in his sleep like he's in a sauna; and I especially am not attracted if he is born in August. I have been down that road three times before, and have been soundly beaten for it every time. Not interested in making those same mistakes again. So since he's been calling her about me, she now says "it's my turn to call him back." The only thing I really want to say to him is I really don't want to go out. Now how to say it -- without being blunt and hurtful. Well, like the bit with Amber, I put my request in the hands of the Almighty, and hoped all would work out for the best -- she came to me and admitted that she wasn't doing me any favors by having these expectations of me, and that she didn't want me to do it. All I can do right now is put this request upon the altar and hope again for the best. I have faith that all will work out, and I an find a way to get my point acrossed without hurting anyone's feelings -- and still stand my ground for what I want and need. I do not want to be dragged into a relationship I do not want, do not need, and cannot handle.