I feel pretty good doing this. I used to keep a journal for years but the problem I face now has become greater and slowly but surely I stopped writing. I love to write though, and miss it, so anyways..... Here I am.... 23, no kids, just married, I have a good professional career, and I own my house. It sounds great but I have a secret that I can't quit.
When I was younger, the middle child of 3 girls. I was definitly the black sheep of the family. Well, I say that because I was the only 1 of us to ever get into in trouble or remotley rebel against my parents. My older sister was the smart one. She was on the dean's list in high school and very active with her friends. She is almost 8 years older than me. My baby sister, not even 2 years younger, was just "the baby", she followed me around like a puppy dog for awhile but once I realized my older sister and I weren't going to click the baby and I were stuck like glue....still to this day it's the same way. When I turned 12 my perfect little lala land ended. My parents never fought in front of us, which now looking back I wish they would have because we never saw what hit us. One night, late, I remember hearing someone in our house cry. I thought it was my mom but as I got closer to the cry I peeped through my parents bedroom door and listened intently as I heard the worst news of my life to this point. My daddy was leaving and my older sister lay her head on his belly and begged him not to go. THe next day we cried harder than ever and watched our hero get in his car and pull away. I will never forget my sissy sitting on the front porch praying to God to bring her daddy back. We later found out my dad was having an affair with my mom's friend and my parents marriage after 24 years was over. We were devastated.
A couple of years past and I was now a teenager, made some new friends and was around alcohol and drugs that my christian family had not subjected me to. I knew though that once I got around it I wanted to try whatever I could get my hands on. It's so crazy because the entire time my sister was there and never once was even tempted. So, that's exactly what I did. I tried coke and acid. I've down pills and smoked pot. And like I said whatever else I could get my hands on. My dad was very critical of me, because I wasn't perfect like my older sister, and eventually I got caught. I remember him saying you're never going to be anything and I thought you haven't even had a say in what we do for 3 or 4 years, what do you know? And I continued down my path of distruction.
It's been 8 years now since I first started testing in drugs and only one my body took to. I used to call it my drug of choice...marijuana. It wasn't like the others where I couldn't control what was happening with my mind, it was a downer and that's exactly what it does is chill me out. I smoke usually twice a day; when I get home from work and then again before bed. For so long I have been lied to and assumed that pot couldn't hurt me. I hear all the time, "pot never killed anybody" which is true but they forgot to inform you that your short term and long term memory can be completely cleared, that it slows your circulation, that it causes anxiety and depression, that after you get high your chances of having a heart attack are quadrupled and that once you're on it, it is SO hard to quit. It seems so easy and I hear well you control your life and circumstances but what do I do when I have tried and tried to say no and then hit it anyway. How can I stop this cycle I am in? I couldn't even believe when I had to type 8 years. My goodness!! I have recently told my mom what was going on which I'm sure was a disappointment but she loves me and has always been my support and friend. It stresses me out to think about smoking but then I get even more anxious when I think of quitting and I guess the truth is my body doesn't want to quit, but I feel my mind and heart are ready. I have to just say and then do it
and don't turn back. |
