Messages By: bigred80

I feel like I am being torn at the moment. One part of me is feeling great, I am doing alot. But the other part of me is feeling like I am not doing enough.  
 

I have been out drinking twice in one week and it has really taken a toll on me. I don't like the feeling any more. I don't mind one or two drinks but when I wake up in the morning I want to be able to work like I normally would. 
 

I think that because I have been kind of sluggish, it has been easier to feel guilty and burrow on down in to that hole. 

How ever there is the part of me that is feeling great. We went for a walk today. We went heaps further than normal and it was really easy. I wore the pedometer and we walked about 4300 steps, which I am really proud of. 

So the past few days have been a bit of a blur. Saturday night we went out to dinner with people that Aaron has recently met. They were so lovely and it is such a shame to finally meet people as we are planning our posting out of here. But anyway, I had a few drinks too many and was very sick all of Sunday. To th point of complete embarrassment. We had to pick up the dog in the afternoon and I was sick out of the car window. I feel so humiliated. Aaron even cleaned the car for me. 

So we got the dog and that night she kept waking Wes up with her crying, so I slept on the lounge with her and as a result didn't get much sleep.  

Now it is Monday and I am feeling slightly normal. But I have to get back in to gear. Having a new pet in the house has proven to more difficult than we thought. 

So as you can see by the date I haven't been writing everyday as was the plan. On Friday night we went out to dinner and I drank WAY too much. Right now I am feeling angry with myself and as a result took a back seat in my life and let everything around me fall apart. I didn't care what I was eating, or if I was eating.  

So today is a new day, I am still feeling a bit under the weather, and I only have myself to blame for that, but we are going for a walk today and then we are back on track with nothing to slow us down. 

I had a bit of a set back tonight. I don't really understand what happened, only that I felt upset, so I binged. I am feeling pretty guilty right now. I always wish that I could take it back after. Then I think about what my options are. 

Not that I have ever taken that step, but I wonder if I could make myself sick. The thought alone makes me feel so horrible. I can't believe that I think so little of myself that I am contemplating throwing up. But at the same time all the hard work I have put feels like it has gone down the toilet. 

I hate thinking it. And mostly I hate not being able to control myself. As I was taking food out of the fridge I thought to myself that I was eating when I didn't need to and I did it anyway. I couldn't walk away. I had to do it. I was feeling useless so I was acting it out too. If I can't control my emotions and the way that I am reacting to a situation why not just eat? If I treat people around me badly why not just treat myself like dirt too? 

Went for two walks today. The second one was hard, but we pushed through and although I don't think it was a maximum effort type of walk I think it was still better than sitting on the couch doing nothing. 

We are not walking tomorrow morning because Aaron has to go to work early, but I will probably go on my own in the afternoon. And then we will go on Saturday as well. Even though we said that we won't walk on weekends because that is our time off, if we skip it, we make it up. 

I am looking forward to loosing the weight. I have decided at about the half way mark to go and have a body contour wrap to help tone up my skin. Last time I lost weight I didn't seem to loose any centimeters and that was really disappointing. 

It seems that things are going really well. I feel so alive at the moment. I have goals for my weight loss. I have career goals. And family life is running along pretty smoothly. 

Now there is a small pessimistic part of me that is thinking that if everything is going so great it is going to hit a snag soon, but you know what? Other than the fact that a thought like that is just silly, I couldn't care less. Bring it on, I say! 

It is strange to think that when there is direction or a path to follow things look so much better. I love it. It just strengthens the fact that I know that I have chosen the right career for me. I can't wait to be fit and healthy again. 

On Friday I have to contact the lady about the dog and hopefully on the weekend we are going to go and pick her up. I am so excited. We bought a little collar and lead toady. It is so cute. Oh My God. I feel so funny, it is almost like I am brining a baby home. I called the vet toady to find out if there is anything that I need to know and she has suggested that after a few days we bring Bicbee in and they will go through anything that we need to know. 

So today has gone really well. Aaron and I have discussed things about getting in to shape. Tomorrow morning we are both going to be getting up at the same time and going for an early morning walk. This one won't be anything too hectic, just a way to start the day with some invigoration. 

We are also ironing out the bugs and trying to come up with a routine that will work so that we can both work out together more. For example going to the gym on a Thursday or Friday while Wes is at day care. 

Other than that I had a great day food wise. I have almost completely eliminated sugar from my tea, I am down to less than a quarter of a teaspoon. I think that has been over about two weeks. 

And again I just have to say that it is so great having something to work towards. 

Today is a great day. I have created a new diary, this is for my weight loss, as it is called being accountable, that is what it is about. 

Other than that, we are moving back to Sydney! I can't wait it is going to be better, being closer to everyone. And Aaron will be out of that office that is draining him so much. It is also the kick in the butt that I need. 

I made a choice today, I want to join the police. It is the best choice for me and for my family. And to be honest it is a weight off my shoulders to know that that is what I want to do. 

We are also having a few problems with Wes and sleeping arrangements. When Aaron was away I let Wes sleep in the bed with me, BIG mistake. Now he won't sleep in the cot anymore, he sleeps on his lounge by the side of the bed. Which is great, I can't get out of bed without crawling to the end and then hoping that I don't stand on him. Which, in the middle of the night and needing to pee is absolutely no fun at all. 

So we talked about it last night and have decide, no matter how heart wrenching it is, he goes to bed at the same time every night and cries yells and calls out as much as he likes, we are not going to go in. It tears me up inside to do this, but it has to be done. I am sick of temper tantrums from him and having them myself. 

So this is the beginning. I will write a bit of a description and a reason here for what and why and all the stuff that goes with it. 

About three months ago I decided to do the weight loss challenge and started to read DR Phil's, The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution and up until this morning I haven't been very true to myself. 

Yesterday Aaron found out that he is being posted back to Sydney, which is great. We have had enough of being here and we miss our friends and family. And then horror struck me, I was going back and I was going to be 20kg over weight. That isn't so bad, everyone loves me for me. But the prospect of them seeing me like this mortifies me. 

So my goal is to be fit and healthy by the time that we return. 

By December I will have lost 20kg. 

Today I weigh 86KG that means that by December I will weigh 66KG  

What do I hope to achieve from this diary? I want it to be a place where I can vent. I want to make sure that I write in here daily and that I am honest (my biggest problem). 

I have a menu that I have created from the suggestion in the UWS, I am going to stick to this. There is no reason not to, all of the thinking has been taken out of what to eat. 

So far today I haven't stuck to the menu. I had wheat bix for breakfast which by it self is not a problem, but i had sugar on it. 

Positive, I went for a 45min walk and 2990 steps. 

I must add that I am not going to record everything I have eaten here. However if I have a slip up, then I will record it so I can try and see a pattern.  

Weigh ins will be on Tuesdays. Other than that I can't think of anything else. And if it comes up I will add it later. 

I am excited to be doing this. 

Right now there are two things that I have been thinking about. One is work and the other is my husband. 

He recently applied for a job transfer and was knocked back due to some things that I agree with and others I don't. I can't understand why the things that were written on the recommendation were said the way they were. I know it hurt my husband, but what can I say to him when I agree with some of it? How do I remain supportive with out making it sound like he is faultless. 

But beyond what was said in the recommendation there is something else that bothers me. When he was a teenager he was diagnosed with ADD. A few years ago his brother was also diagnosed with it (he is in his 40's) and also his teenage nephew. I am worried that he may still be suffering from ADD and is finding it hard to manage. 

He is becoming withdrawn and I feel that the bad report for his transfer is depressing him. He used to be a very bubbly person. He wouldn't let anything or anyone get him down. But over the last few years he is becoming an angry person, less active and also less responsive to me and our son. 

This is not to say that he is a bad person, he is still very loving and a wonderful person, but I am seeing less of the traits in him that make him stand out as a person. 

I have looked on the web for information about ADD in adults, but I can't seem to find anything that is relevant. Most of it is aimed at children or people in extreme circumstances. I want to know what to do. And if it is or isn't ADD what can I do to help him.  

I love him and I am scared that the person I love is slipping away.