Replies to '06/06 "I'm Gay, OK?"'

     I was saved when I was nine. I’m the daughter of a Southern Baptist Preacher. In no way do I want to be disrespectful when speaking about my parents. I’ve forgiven them for the wrongs or perceived wrongs and I’ve asked for and received their forgiveness for what I have put them through. I only glance back enough to help you understand how satan built his arsenal, how he unleashed his attack and then built a stronghold in my life.

      Rejection and shame were pretty much the themes of my childhood. My mother was cold and emotionally detached. Just hugging was uncomfortable for her. I only remember one time in my life when my mother told me that she loved me and that was after I had attempted suicide with 2 bottles of pills at the age of 15. She may have said those words to me, but I don’t remember hearing them.

      My dad was a rageaholic, totally controlled by his inability to manage his anger. He was authoritarian and verbally as well as physically abusive to my mother, my sisters and me. Most days my home was like a war zone and there was always a battle raging.

      Compounding that problem was the fact that I was a very gangly girl, extremely tall for my age and terribly skinny. I would lie on the couch and cry about how skinny I was. My grandparents said my sisters and I looked like refugees or prisoners of war. Through most of my formative years, all through Elementary and Jr. High, I was berated with names like bean pole, telephone pole, ski slope nose and witches nose. There was no escape from the abuse.

      I became interested in boys at an early age, around 3rd grade, but they were not interested in me. In Jr. High I became more aggressive. My mother called me a “boy chaser” but in reality I was a love chaser.  Boys took advantage of that weakness and I became promiscuous and pregnant at 16 and then abandoned by the father of my baby.  No one at church was blatantly ugly but I remember the looks of disdain and the whispers as I walked by. The message came through loud and clear. I was the scarlet girl and was demoted from the preacher’s kid on the front row to the prodigal on the back pew.

       The rejection from my church family helped to create alienation between me and God. I blamed Him and drew away. I figured “if I couldn’t measure up and be good enough, I’d be as bad as I wanted to be.”   At 18 my daughter and I moved to Daytona Beach, FL with my best friend. I was pretty ripe for satan’s attack and plan for my life.

     I’d been:

Rejected by my mother

Abused by my dad        

Rejected by my peers

Abused and abandoned by boys

 SATAN HAD BUILT HIS ARSENAL

       Then I was invited to a gay bar and although I was very apprehensive, I allowed my best friend to talk me into going. The experience at the gay bar was surreal. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. One of the things that drew me in was how I felt totally accepted for exactly who I was. I wasn’t judged for my past and people were interested in ME. I felt like I belonged.

      It wasn’t long before I was seriously pursued by a very aggressive woman who had succumbed to homosexuality at a very young age. I’d never had that kind of attention before. It was usually the other way around with me sort of stalking guys. I don’t know how else to explain it other than, I just fell. That’s how sin is, a deep dark pit that we fall into when we walk too close to the edge of it. It really wasn’t that different from my promiscuity with guys. It wasn’t about sex. I was desperately seeking love and acceptance.

SATAN UNLEASED HIS ATTACK

       Well that relationship fell apart quickly. Not long after that my best friend and I moved home to Hendersonville. We found in Asheville a thriving gay community, which still exists. We became entrenched in it quickly and before long it felt like family.

      Amazingly my real family was changing and my own parents were wonderful grandparents. My mother was loving and affectionate. My dad was never abusive to my daughter. They took Tiffany to church on Sundays where she was saved and baptized. I myself didn’t attend church for years.

      Throughout that time my own grandparents were the one really godly example I had in my life. My Grandpa Pearson has gone on to be with the Lord, but I spent every summer with them from the time I was 5 until I was 15. I don’t ever remember a morning that I didn’t awaken to find Grandpa at the kitchen table studying his Bible. He was a choir member and a Deacon and spoke few words but when he did it was meaningful. They never treated me any differently. No matter what mess I got into they always loved me unconditionally. They truly did love me like Christ. I knew how they felt about what I was doing. They didn’t need to use words like abomination because they lived out their beliefs and faith.

      About a year after I’d embraced this homosexual identity, I met the woman that I would spend the next 8 years with. I felt what I thought was love. During the last few years of the relationship the discontent grew and grew. I was like a drug addict but the drug wasn’t effective anymore. I medicated that wound with everything you can imagine (drugs, alcohol, people, places and things, lots of things.) But I was still in pain, and I was still empty.   I remember lying on my couch late one night, everyone was fast asleep and I was crying and staring at the ceiling. I remember saying out loud “I know this is wrong, but I love her and I can’t leave. Please God,” I begged, “change my feelings so I can leave.”  I can hear his response as plain today as that night. “Leave and I’ll change your feelings.”

SATAN HAD BUILT A STRONGHOLD

      It was another 2 years before I had the courage to leave. I want to tell you about how my Heavenly Father wooed me back.

      My daughter was having her 10th birthday party, a sleep over. The next morning she came to me crying because some of the girls had made fun of her for having 2 moms. Believe it or not it was the first time that I realized how I was hurting my child. That’s how blind satan and sin can make a person.  That same weekend some of her friends were talking about Zacheus and Tiffany said “Who’s that?”  I said “you know Tiffany, the wee little man up in the tree looking for Jesus.” She shook her head. I could not believe that I had raised a child who didn’t know simple bible stories like Zacheus. I was mortified.

      I decided to rectify the problem by buying Easter dresses for me and Tiffany and visiting this church someone had told me about. I’d heard it was very friendly and great for kids. We went to Indian Rocks Baptist Church that Sunday and it was the warmest place I’d ever been. Within 30 minutes of arriving, people were hugging me, a stranger, and it felt like home. That very day, I gave my heart back to Jesus and joined the church.

      It wasn’t surreal it was SO REAL. The Holy Spirit filled me in a special way.  There was no way I could stay in that sinful relationship. The romantic affection and attraction I’d had toward her turned to an agape love. God was true to His word, and He’d changed my feelings. I became burdened for her spiritual condition. She wasn’t saved and I couldn’t play a part in her dying and going to hell.  We spent the next three days crying together. With her trying to talk me out of leaving and me trying to witness to her, but she just couldn’t hear me through her own pain. She eventually gave up and left. It was very hard. She’d been my best friend for 8 years.

      That was 13 years ago. Since then God has blessed me with a husband, Mark and with him I have experienced true love.  God has blessed me with two wonderful sons and four years ago with a gorgeous granddaughter, from my lovely born again daughter, Tiffany. As a matter of fact my entire family is saved!

      For the past 13 years though, I’ve also lived in secrecy and fear: fear of being found out and rejected all over again. So, I put on my church face; wore my mask week after week; and told God that I’d let Him use my past but only in one on one situations. Which almost never happens since most people with same sex attraction live in secrecy with it. I told God I wouldn’t go public with my testimony until the boys were grown. I didn’t even tell the boys.

      I never got really involved in church. I always played it safe. That is until I went to Mud Creek Baptist Church. Mud Creek was one church of my youth that held fond memories for me. My dad was ordained at Mud Creek. I was in GA’s there.  I remember pulling up behind what’s now the chapel and having church members load my parent’s station wagon with food when my Dad was in Bible college. It was a place where I did feel loved so it’s not surprising to me that it’s where the Lord has brought me back to for more healing and to serve Him. I tried to go there and play my same church game, but it didn’t work. The people were just too friendly, too loving, accepting and too real. When an Associate Pastor stood up in the pulpit and gave his testimony about having struggled with pornography, I knew it was a place where I could be real, where I could be me.

      #1           IT WAS reconciliation with God and getting to know who He really is, clearing up my skewed perception of Him that started my healing. Then reconciliation with my parents – forgiveness and compassion for the abuses that they themselves had endured that continued the healing process. The Lord showed me that hurting people hurt people. 

       My parents were hurting. God also helped me to see what contribution they had made to my life. Because of them taking me to church, I had heard the gospel and was saved. What greater thing can a parent do for their child?

      #2           IT WAS a loving church family first at Indian Rocks Baptist and then at Mud Creek that God used to show me who He really is and who I really am.

       You might be surprised to know that my healing did not come the day that I rededicated my life.  It didn’t come the day I ended that sinful relationship.  My healing has been a process over the past 13 years.

      God’s love and acceptance is what heals people. An intimacy with Him is the only cure.

      God is the Great Physician! His love is the cure!

      But He uses his people, acting as Nurses, Orderlies, EMT’s and Pink Ladies. Christian brothers and sisters walking hand in hand and side by side:

     Comforting, Encouraging, Providing, Counseling, Meeting Needs, Mentoring, Loving that promotes healing.

      Most of all, I hope what you’ve heard is that people struggling with a false identity, not understanding who they are in Christ or who God is, need your love so that they can fully experience God’s love.  

     They need the Truth, but they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you CARE.

     The Christian Counselor at my church has no idea how much her words of love and encouragement conveyed how much she cared when she called me a prodigy.

     I don’t feel like one, but I sure don’t feel like a prodigal anymore either! Praise God I’ve been Redeemed!!      

    JESUS REDEEMS HIS CHILD!