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Replies to '12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"'
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September 29, 2008, 1:43 pm PDT
 Quote From: marylandmary ...that I believe PAS exists. My husband, Dan, and I have been together for almost 8 years. This is my first marriage and his second. He and his first wife had two children. His first wife left the marriage in 1995, after meeting someone on the internet . She had no resources or plan to support her children. She struggled with emotional and financial problems while living on her own. My husband had custody of both children after she left, though she had visitation. In addition, she paid NO child support.
Flash forward to 2001 when I met my husband....everyone is getting along OK, first wife re-marries and moves about 30 miles away. My husband and I get serious and make plans to get married (all this time the kids are living with him and see her once every other weekend, which was her choice, at her new home). Well, as soon as Dan and I bought our new home and started making plans for the future with the kids (from vacations to choosing and paying for college), this women went nuts! She started telling lies about Dan to the kids, particularly my step-son, sendiing me e-mails accusing me of being a childstealer, among other things. She made it very difficult for the kids, and us, and all this time she is still didn't pay a dime of child support!
For the next five years she continued to lie, evaded child support ,and voluntarily impoverished herself by quitting her job as a school teacher to go back to school to get a Master's Degree! Can you believe it? So while this is all happening, she is continuing to tell my stepson, who was 15 through 19 at the time, what a horrible father and stepmother, Dan and I were. One night in January of 2006, after an argument with his dad, my stepson left the house, called her, went to live with her and for ALMOST A YEAR didn't speak to us! Through all this craziness, her craziness, Dan "took the high road" and refused to stoop to her level. I was so angry...angry that she had a $27,000 child support bill reduced to $4,400 (She told my stepson that Dan and I were trying to financially ruin her by enforcing the child support order - WHAT?!?) , angry that she alienated my stepson from his Dad, his older sister and me, angry that she went out a bought a BMW Mini-Cooper, while my husband and I are both working full time and sacrificing to pay for braces, college, car insurance, clothing, cell phone, you name it.
Now that my stepson is a Junior in college, I think he "gets it". He has distanced himself from her, but as he has said to us, he feels "sorry for her". My step-daughter is cooly cordial toward her and has no desire to have a mother/daughter relationship, but that has come with a cost to my stepdaughter's trust and self-esteem. I believe that their mother's own insecurities, fear of loss, selfishness and envy of us and our relationship as a family made her alienate herself from her children through the veil of PAS. I can't be responsible for her "choices" and it is a shame that during the most critical period of her children's lives, their teen years, she pitted them against us as a way of being in control, because she had no control over her own life. Sometimes, I think PAS is self-induced and we all pay for it. Have you ever wondered what part you play in all this? She made choices but these are still her children. What part do you think you played in overstepping your bounds as a stepmother? A stepparent shoudl STEP BACK AND PARENT. It is not their job to take over only support bio-mom and bio-dad in their job. As far as her going back to school, if she feels this will help her in the long run of obtaining better employment, then why should she not be able to do so? Apparently the father has been able to care for the kids this long. PAS/PA supporters are angry about the money, angry they have to pay when they do not have kids with them, and angry they don't get it when they have kids. |
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October 4, 2008, 7:36 am PDT
Quote From: marylandmary ...that I believe PAS exists. My husband, Dan, and I have been together for almost 8 years. This is my first marriage and his second. He and his first wife had two children. His first wife left the marriage in 1995, after meeting someone on the internet . She had no resources or plan to support her children. She struggled with emotional and financial problems while living on her own. My husband had custody of both children after she left, though she had visitation. In addition, she paid NO child support.
Flash forward to 2001 when I met my husband....everyone is getting along OK, first wife re-marries and moves about 30 miles away. My husband and I get serious and make plans to get married (all this time the kids are living with him and see her once every other weekend, which was her choice, at her new home). Well, as soon as Dan and I bought our new home and started making plans for the future with the kids (from vacations to choosing and paying for college), this women went nuts! She started telling lies about Dan to the kids, particularly my step-son, sendiing me e-mails accusing me of being a childstealer, among other things. She made it very difficult for the kids, and us, and all this time she is still didn't pay a dime of child support!
For the next five years she continued to lie, evaded child support ,and voluntarily impoverished herself by quitting her job as a school teacher to go back to school to get a Master's Degree! Can you believe it? So while this is all happening, she is continuing to tell my stepson, who was 15 through 19 at the time, what a horrible father and stepmother, Dan and I were. One night in January of 2006, after an argument with his dad, my stepson left the house, called her, went to live with her and for ALMOST A YEAR didn't speak to us! Through all this craziness, her craziness, Dan "took the high road" and refused to stoop to her level. I was so angry...angry that she had a $27,000 child support bill reduced to $4,400 (She told my stepson that Dan and I were trying to financially ruin her by enforcing the child support order - WHAT?!?) , angry that she alienated my stepson from his Dad, his older sister and me, angry that she went out a bought a BMW Mini-Cooper, while my husband and I are both working full time and sacrificing to pay for braces, college, car insurance, clothing, cell phone, you name it.
Now that my stepson is a Junior in college, I think he "gets it". He has distanced himself from her, but as he has said to us, he feels "sorry for her". My step-daughter is cooly cordial toward her and has no desire to have a mother/daughter relationship, but that has come with a cost to my stepdaughter's trust and self-esteem. I believe that their mother's own insecurities, fear of loss, selfishness and envy of us and our relationship as a family made her alienate herself from her children through the veil of PAS. I can't be responsible for her "choices" and it is a shame that during the most critical period of her children's lives, their teen years, she pitted them against us as a way of being in control, because she had no control over her own life. Sometimes, I think PAS is self-induced and we all pay for it. Some of the details of your situation are similar to mine, with a similar outcome. I would not agree that selfishness & envy is the reason in every case. Perhaps that was just the title of your story. In my case, my ex has psycho problems and her mother was an instigator. My oldest daughter, now 30, got a degree in psychology. When I asked her why she was going to major in psychology, she told me she was so screwed up she needed to figure out why. The response hurt, but I hink she figured out most of her problems and how to deal with situations. Both of my daughters finally realized they had been lied to and manipulated by both their mother & grandmother. They knew what was happening but it took until they were 21 or 22 to be able to deal with that realization. Both have told me their mother never should have had children. Kinda like saying I wish I hadn't been born. Hurt! My kids got shafted twice. First, when mom & grandma used PAS and turned them against me, my wife & my step kids. Second, when my kids realized what mom & grandma had done. The emotional abuse in both instances has been horrendous. My oldest daughter had her grandmother on a pedestal. The pedestal lost a little luster as she got older & realized what was happening. But, she wasn't willing to confront grandma & risk the relationship. About 5 years ago, when grandma started the PAS with "we love you more" or "your dad is ..." guilt trips, my daughter finally blew up. Her relationship with her grandmother has not been and most likely will never be as close. Although it was nice to see grandma knocked off the pedestal, I know it was extremely hard on my daughter. It took her a couple of years to deal with the surface emotions. I could go on & on like most of us could. But, as I wrote on another page, we all attended school, sports and church functions for the kids. We attended 2 college graduations & 2 weddings where ex & I stood together at the altar to give away our daughters. In a town of 200K pop, Grandma lives a block away (her choice) and ex lives 1/2 mile away (her choice). I see the ex & her current (6th.) husband driving to & from work. At a recent house warming for my youngest daughter, my ex came up to me & wished me happy b-day, which was that day. It was a nice gesture, but shocking. I paid good child support, provided health insurance, paid 1/2 of braces, paid for college at a private university, paid for a wedding, paid for part of a car after graduation. I could have done more, but point is, I was not a dead beat dad. So, what was the purpose of all of the fighting, manipulation & control? In my case, I think it boils down to people having psychological problems. In my case, allot of the problems could have been nipped in the bud if there was a law that required arrest of and stiff penalty ($$ or jail or both) for all parties, regardless of guilt, if a disturbance was created during a pick-up or drop-off for visitation. Or, take the kids away from both parties & make each party, regardless of guilt, pay for foster care for 30, 60, 90 days. Kids would be put in a situation where they had a way to recognize & escape from the abusing parent & the abusing parent would hopefully quickly come to the realization cretaing problems was going to cost dearly. Would give the kids more power, but also more hope and would probably cost less $$ & emotions than going to court with an attorney & mental health "professional" in tow for both sides. And it would do something for the kids. Some kids would realize they don't want either parent. |
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