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October 20, 2005, 9:18 am PDT
Past Relationships/Lies
Quote From: juballlI would think it would all depend on what the revelation is as to how important it is to know the details of something that happened prior to your marriage. Yes, in a perfect world one would be honest to a fault, if that is possible, and get all the things out that happened while the two of you were together, but not married, but in your case, that did not happen.
The kind of questions you should ask yourself, is if you had found this out prior, would you have married him anyway? Yes, he betrayed your trust, and that was not the thing to do. The past is what it is. You can't un-ring a bell, and he can't take it back. If you are looking for the gory details, it is wrong and it will only make you feel worse. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, is this worth your marriage? If it's not, hurt, get over the hurt, give him a chance to come clean now, as far as any others, and move on. If I were in your shoes, I would hurt, and feel betrayed as you do, but it was before the vow of marriage, and I would get over it. This means once you talk it out, never bring it up again, so if you do this, get it all out in the open and then leave it in the past. Trust me, you don't want to know the details. I have been in a similar situation, (except it was after we were married) and finding out the details, made it where I could not get over it and we divorced. I still have the memories of the details I "thought" I wanted to know, even though at this point in time, I have no feeling for the woman whatsoever.
I hope this helps. good luck Thanks for your advice! You are right. I will work to get over the hurt, cause it's not worth ruining my marriage over it. It happened in the past, and I am not upset about the past. What I am upset about is that about he lied about it to me before we got married, and after, until I drug the truth out of him. I have forgiven him, but not forgot it. I just am totally honest with him about everything. I want him to be also. No matter if it is the past or now. I want him to be able to tell me anything. Apparently, he kept this secret, maybe cause he was embarrassed by it, I just don't know. I don't want any more lies the future, cause it can ruin a marriage. He is still the most honest, sincere guy, I have ever met. What makes me now upset, is it seems he is blaming it on my PMS. I am alittle sensitve during the week before, and now he says maybe I should get something for that. I called my physician, and he will give me something, if I want to try it. But in all honesty, I would have gotten upset, no matter is I was PMSing or not. So, it bothers me now, that he is blaming me being upset on my PMS. But he has said he was sorry, but I get mixed feelings about the whole thing. He also told me that I get jeolous when he talks to females. That's not true. There was once situation where this female came up to him, and started putting her arms around him, a past friendship, and I did get jeolous. It was a young girl, and I know that some young girls look at older guys. I know several that do this. But the next time he saw this young girl, he held on tight to me. So I think she got the message, it relieved my fears. I do trust him, but not others, when they get too friendly. Thanks again.
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