Replies to '06/20 "You Ruined My Reputation"'

When I was 14 years old (in the 9th grade), I developed my "first true love" & I started having sex.  He was the younger brother of a girl who had just moved to town that year & who, for some reason, I took to very well.  the first time I had ever gone to her house for a sleepover, she happened to be in her bedroom with her boyfriend at the time so her brother & I were out in the livingroom talking (& flirting) I guess.  Eventually we ended up in his bedroom & started having sex (which I had never even pretended to THINK about doing prior to that time) & would you believe his dad came home!!! 

To cut to the chase, every weekend was spent at their house.  Girl talk until in her room until she'd fall asleep & then as soon as the house fell silent I'd sneak into his bedroom for the night.  We'd just set an alarm so I'd be sure to sneak back into his sister's room before their dad got up in the morning.  Naturally, everyone in school eventually found out "heaven's forbid" that I was having sex so I was labeled a slut.  I didn't care at the time because I thought I loved this guy & it was only him so how was I a slut??? 

Later on we went our separate ways & I was devastated.  I was still best friends with his sister & still trying to cling to what we had by staying at his their house but it got to the point where he'd stay at his cousin's house whenever I was at his house.  It took a long time to get over it.  In fact, I didn't bother with anyone else for 2 years afterward.  Yet...  I was still somehow a slut. 

My junior year of high school was pure hell because I got mixed up with a guy who made me feel like he liked me & he flirted with me a lot at the restaurant we both worked at so eventually I ended up sleeping with him, thinking there was something more there.  Damn right there was!!!  He had a bet going with one of the other dishwashers AND he bragged about me to all his friends & the next thing ya know they're all passing me back & fourth!!!  They'd force me & play with my vulnerability.  They swore to secracy as long as I continued to "fulfill MY end of the bargain".  It made me sick & literally drove me over the edge.  I ended up nearly quitting school, I was depressed & was forced to seek professional help.  My mom thought it would be a good idea to send me away that summer to try to recover from it all (although she still had no idea what had really gone on).  I was never meant to do my senior year in my hometown but I decided I wanted to.  Bad idea.  The same guys gave me dirty looks & smirked at me all the time, taunting me in the hallways.  Whispering about me.  A couple of them even got their girlfriends to confront me.  By then everyone knew.  It was no secret.  I tried to keep my head up to a degree because, after all, I had made the choice to carry on that way.  I'm not sure if I did it to rebel against the first love or if it was to re-establish my selfworth with guys.  I'm still not sure what was going through my mind at the time.  All I know is I went numb, did my thing, let them do theirs... 

I look back now (10 years later) & I laugh at that term.  I never call anyone a slut because I know that eventually I had earned that name.  I know a lot of girls do earn it too.  However, sleeping with a guy one time doesn't make you into one.  These young people need to know the meaning of the word, if there ven is such a thing, before they go using it loosely.  My thinking was "Heck, I scored the name so I might as well play the game".  They ruined my rep, they beat down my self esteem so what did I have to lose???  Little did I know...  I had a lot to lose & I'm still recovering.  I can't blame anyone but myself for the choices I made but I can tell you people that name calling & spreading rumors can drive people over the edge in more ways than just the "sticks & stones may break my bones" way.  Keep that in mind.