Replies to '12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"'

Dear Dr. Phil,

My wife recently recorded your show regarding Parent Alienation Syndrome.  I sat and watched this show as if it were a chapter in my life.  I feel like my hands have been tied all these years since separating from my ex.

I was with my first son's mother for five years before deciding to separate.  We never had the chance to marry but that made no difference in the feelings I had for my beautiful son Reggie.  My son and I, in the beginning, shared a wonderful bond of love and trust.  The day he was born remains one of the greatest memories I have experienced.

After our separation in 1995, I made every effort to be with him to create a positive bond.  Though the visitation was mainly her trying to reconcile with me I did my best to concentrate on my son.  When she saw I had no interest in reconciliation her attitude changed.  The visitations were now different and my son seemed distant and afraid to approach me.  My ex would purposely engage in arguments with me in front of our child and I would end up leaving frustrated.

In 1996, I fell in love with my wife, Yolanda and moved into a house later that year.  My wife had a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.  Reggie was 4 years old at that time. Things were alright the first time Reggie was allowed to come and visit for the weekend.  But, after he returned to his mother's home we began to have trouble with him coming to visit.  Each time I would try to go and pick him up he would cry and I would end up leaving him with his Mom.  I felt horrible, and didn't understand why he was acting this way.  The first time he came to the house to be with us, it was as if he were magically blended into the family with hardly any animosity.  That made no difference to my ex.  She would question my son every time he came to visit.  She would also call him constantly not allowing us to properly bond when he was with me.  It became more and more difficult to convince him to visit.   When he did decide to come he would cry or ask me questions that were planted in his head by his mother.  Things went from bad to horrible when she found out my wife was pregnant.

During the pregnancy I rarely got to see Reggie.  His mother seemed to fill his mind with hatred and he no longer wanted me to even be in the same room with him.  She began receiving welfare benefits and I chose to began a case with the attorney general for child.  Well since she was on child support, the attorney general came after me for back pay child support and ordered me to a hearing in court.  I was not able to attend the court date because, Brandon was born at 3 a.m.  The attorney for my ex screwed me with back pay and supervised visitation.  I was furious and felt betrayed.  Early 1998 was the last time I had any time with my son.  He no longer visited me or called.  Approximately two years later, she decided to move to Las Vegas.  My heart sunk, and I begged the attorney general to intervene.  They advised me to seek counsel.  I did not have the funds to follow their advice.  I researched as much as possible and could not find an answer before she moved.  In an effort to stay in contact with him I would call or mail him letters.  The calls were difficult to navigate with the hatred I received from him.  Or his mother would intercept the call and say he was not home.  I tried numerous time to call only to be frustrated or passed around to someone other than my son.  Three years went by and the calls became a punishment for me and my family.  I would start the call with optimism and hangup in anger and distress.  My son and grew apart and our conversations were bitter.  We lost touch and they moved and I had trouble finding them.

In February of 2003, as a member of the United States Air Force, I was tasked to go to Iraq for one year.  I called the attorney general to get her phone number.  They would not give me the address.  I called Reggie to tell him I loved him and explained to him what was happening.  That conversation was not good.  He didn't seem to care.  During my tour I would mail him little tokens to let him know that I was thinking of him.  Most of it was returned to sender as the wrong address.  I tried to call but the number was disconnected.  My spirit was crushed.  My wife did her best to keep me positive and focused during my tour.  In my desperation, I prayed that he was alright and would forgive me for everything I had put him through.  One day, while reading my email, I came across an email from my wife telling me that she had located Reggie by way of an EOB (explanation of benefit) she received from a psychiatrist he was seeing.  Desperate to speak with him, and worried to death, I asked my wife for the doctor's number.  I called the doctor and asked him if it would be okay if I could email Reggie, at the doctor's email address to tell him I loved and missed him.  When my ex found out about this she stopped bringing him to the doctor and I did not hear from them for another two years.  I would hear from her two years later regarding health insurance cards for Reggie.  I was not allowed to speak to him then either.

If this is not the definition of "alienation" of a parent, could someone please make me understand what my son and I are experiencing.  I have lost what I feel is a lifetime with this child.  I don't know what to do anymore or where to turn.  As a man I feel as if there are minimal to no options for me to fight this battle without going into bankruptcy.  Please guide and help me connect with my son.

Thank you,

Reggie Anderson