Replies to '07/31 The Bridge Controversy - Tragic Choice'

I have been reading all the comments and not sure what the knot is in my throat from. There is no story that is worse then another when we are all talking about suicide, depression, bi-polar disease, this is all so painful and draws so many questions and controversy. My mother in-law called me the day this show was aired and said I needed to turn it on, I couldn't. I was having an OK day, and did not want to bring myself down, I did not want someone to tell me the warning signs again, what I needed to watch out for. I already knew them, and seen them, and felt I had already failed. I am working through trying not to feel I failed my daughter. I should clarify, she is my step-daughter, but I have helped raise her since she was 4, so I feel she is my daughter, she lived with us at all times.

We lost her this past June13 to suicide. Was not her first attempt, but sadly to say she followed through on this one.  She was only 16 years old. She had been fighting depression since she was 11-12 years old, she was also anorexic and bulimic. I thought we were getting her all the help we could, she was on medicine and seeing counselors. She even was telling us things were getting better, she said the medicine seems to be working like it should, after we had to adjust a few times.  Then we found out after her death, she stopped taking the meds, she told a friend she was going to, and we also found out because there was nothing in her system.  We ask why,why,why, well I know we will never know the answer to that, only she does. She left a book next to her note, "Night Falls Fast" by Kay Redfield Jamison. I was so angry, my husband was so angry, family members are angry- How can they sell this book, especially to teenagers. I even found the receipt when purchased, exactly 1 week before she died. I wanted to scream and shout at the author and the book store that sold it. She Highlighted all the way through the book and as I was reading this I felt if she had not had this maybe she would still be here. I thought this book helped her kill herself and in some ways I think it did, but I think what she was really try to tell us, was how she was really feeling and for us to maybe understand what was really going on in her head. Things she highlighted make some sense today, but on that day it did not. I think the book helped her find relief in suicide and how to make us believe everything was ok. because now that I look back, she was having a very good week and was so relaxed. I just wish she could have come to us and said help on that Friday afternoon, she had come to us before what stopped her that day I will never know.  She learned to hide her pain well, she stated she did not want to burden the family any more, she was never a burden. If I could have taken all her pain away, I would have. I know as a parent we all try to take as many of the stones thrown at our children that we can.

My struggle today is, when do I tell my 8 year old daughter HOW her sister died. We have not yet told her the complete truth that is why by her own hands. My 17 year old son knows, but we kept it from the youngest and just told her there was an accident. My youngest knows that I need to tell her more, but that we will tell her when we feel the time is right, I am not sure when that will ever be. I take her to counseling and hope this will help guide us through this.

I do also believe we need more education in the schools, I wish I was strong enough now to stand in front of all her friends and classmates and tell them her struggles, but what she did to resolve them was so Wrong. Because she could only see through her tunnel and now the love around her, she made her HUGE problems a permanent one and now there is no going back. People need to know the help is out there, and to please reach for it. I know it is hard to do but I hope with education and people talking we can all save more lives. I know my family has a long road still ahead of us, there is no time line on grief, I just know that we need to keep reaching out so we can heal ourselves from this tragic loss.