Replies to 'Body Image & Sex Appeal'

My first marriage my husband raped me and did some of the things that my father did to me as a child.  When I had my first daughter is when I found out about the abuse.  I started going to therapy in regards to being sexally abused since birth through 12 years old.  Not only did my husband rape me, but mentally and physically abused me.  I waited before I got married for the second time.  I had different things that I was looking for.  I knew that I needed to truly trust the next person that I was with.  Well I have been married to my husband for 8 years now and dated for 1 year prior.  I have 5 children, luckily no stretch marks and had a great sex life with him until I got pregnant with our first child together.  He mentioned to me while I was pregnant, that he didn't find pregnant women attractive.  He also doesn't find overweight women attractive.  This all happened back in 2001.  I was 5'11 and 135 before this child.  I gained just about 80 pounds and lost most of the weight except for about 40 pounds.  No problem with sex at that time, but not as frequent.  

Now last year in October I had to quit smoking because I was having breathing problems.  No doctors have been able to figure out anything.  At that time I had lost about 40 pounds.  Was feeling and looking good about myself.  About 2 months later my stomach started to bloat out and am now at a whopping 215 pounds.  I am not overeating in fact I hardly eat, I have lost my appitite.  My husband and I have not had sex since November of last year.  Wow kind of a coinsidence.  He has an excuse for everything.  He says that his prostate hurts or the kids have been up or whatever.  A couple of weeks ago I came out and asked him does he not find me attractive because I am fat now.  I am still going to therapy  for 3 years with during this marriage and feel that a lot of my problems keep coming back to this situation.  I found someone that I fully trusted with sex and now like a child he has taken the cookie jar away.  Right now it is hard to find a job, I am looking and filling out applications everyday.  As I know that I need to get out of this marriage.  I have grown and with him thinking that therapists are quacks he hasn't.  There are many other ways to  have sex than with his protate if you know what I mean.  I am tired of bringing this up all of the time and feel that he is  not telling me everything. This is now causing me grief as I am hating him for what he is doing to us.  This is why most people get married, meaning that you assume you are going to have sex with your husband.  I am not interested in an affair and I no that he isn't either.  He doesn't like toys, even though I went and bought one.  It isn't the same.  How am I supposed to get out of this depressed and anxious state living like this.  I know now through therapy that it isn't me.  He has some sort of disfunction.  I guess I just needed to get others opinions on this as I believe that I am pretty and deserve some loving.  Let me know what you think.  PS.  We don't even go out on dates.  All he does is work, watch tv or sleep.