Replies to 'Depression'

I'm just not sure how to apply it all to my situation.  The nightmares I have of Heather are definitely evil. Heather & I are born again Christians & I recognize the evil in these dreams.  I pray for them to go away, yet when I sleep I guess my faith is weak & Satan takes any chance to step in & cause problems.  Sometimes also I think deep inside that maybe I believe I deserve this torture for failing Heather.  Maybe I'm just afraid to let them go, I don't know for sure.  I know how very tired I am of the pain.  I see Heather, sitting & waiting for the right moment, gun to her head, watching herself in her mirror.  I see her finger move, the gun fires & I don't want to explain what I see after that.  Another dream I see her walking toward me in the hall, looking as she did in the hospital, swollen beyond recognition, her head bandaged with the blood spot growing...she looks at me & says "Mom, look at this mess. What will I do with my hair for the prom?"  Then there is the one of her being cut open for the organ procurement while she screams my name, telling me she's not dead, please make them stop.  There are other bad ones, but I think you get the picture here.  I still have sweet dreams about her too but not enough.  Mom died 3 yrs ago & things seem worse since then. I'm told I had turned my maternal love & caring from Heather to Mom when Heather died & now Moms gone & I'm at loose ends.  DUH!!!   

Let me share what I consider a wonderful testament of Moms legacy.  At her funeral the sound system mal-functioned at the very beginning of "Victory in Jesus".  Without a cue, all 8 of her children, and our families rose to our feet & sang that song, three verses from memory.   With arms raised in praise we thanked God for the virtuous woman we were raised by.  Ok, now I really need a super sized box of Kleenex. 

You are also right that you should visit our lovely, slow moving state!  Where are you now?  I can't imagine living anywhere but the south myself.  I drove a truck with Tom for years, have been in the 48 states, but here I am, right back where I started from.    

Denise