Replies to 'Communication'

Quote From: kdpodus

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 8 months. Im 25 and she is 24. About a month ago, we took a break from our relationship because we were having some issues that we needed to think about. In addition, she was (and still is) tied up in all sorts of very unfortunate family conflicts. A couple of weeks later, we both realized that we missed each other and that if we really wanted to help our relationship, then we would have to work the issues our together. After all, relationship issues cannot be helped if two people run away from each other. This is her first serious relationship, while this is my third. She has had several 2-week to 1-month sexual relationships, but never any serious ones. Our main problem is that we are simply in different places in our ability to handle intimacy. We get along amazingly, but whenever we get into situations where we have to become vulnerable, she shuts down. This has mostly affected our physical relationship; basically, I make love, she has intercourse. We used to have sex all the time, but she would never respond well to affectionate physical advances. She likes to be dominated, controlled, and taken. Trust me, I like to do that sometimes but thats ALL she wants. She doesnt respond to truly intimate sex. Whenever I say I love you during sex, she doesnt say anything. Whenever I try to look her in the eyes, she closes her eyes and looks away. When I tried to talk about it with her, she said that she has never had meaningful sex before. She said she would have sex just to have it, not even because she liked it. She says about her previous relationships, he wanted to have sex with me, so I let him have sex with me. When she was in high school, she would do all kinds of sexual things (orgies in her basement, etc.), but never have sex. Anyways, how can I be aggressive an dominate in bed when I dont even feel like Im part of the moment??? I feel like a masturbation tool for her. Why not just remove me from the situation and replace me with, say, a sex toy?? As of now, we are not having sex. We cuddle and things like that, but we dont have any serious intimate contact, and she doesnt like to talk about. This is requiring her to become vulnerable, so she is shutting down. Our problem is not necessarily about the sex - its about the communication. We talk about her personal issues, which I appreciate making me a part of, but we dont talk about OUR issues. When we dont talk about our issues, I dont feel like her boyfriend anymore. I dont feel like a partner to her, which is what adult relationships should be about. In fact, I feel kind of like Ive been fooled like Ive been tricked into longing for something that was never there to begin with. Whereas I thought our intimacy was about love, I now realize that it is about something entirely different for her. I feel a space forming between us, and Im not okay with that. Its all starting to spill over into other parts of her relationship its often makes me generally insecure about our relationship, and makes me more prone to become jealous about really stupid things. I love her dearly, and I dont want this to tear our relationship apart. The problem is so fixable if only she would be willing to talk about on a consistent basis. Any advice??