Replies to '11/20 Spouses at War'

I could relate to this couple a lot, even though I think my own situation was a lot different. Still though the main thing I saw was that once the woman is broken, it takes the man years to realize it. Then he steps up and tries to fix it. HE suddenly feels remorse for breaking his toy... but only when it is all but destroyed.

From my POV I had few problems when I got married. I was competent, and capable. My husband was also. He seemed like a nice guy, We'd been friends for years, with no conflicts, but after the wedding his rage issues became apparent, and a power struggle insued. My fault in the situation was a tendency to space out and think about other things when going through routine activities. We'd go shopping and I'd feel bored, because we were looking at things that didn't interest me. He was in a hurry and very engaged in what he wanted from the store. We'd go at break neck speed to the electronics department, and then I'd space out while he looked through the CD's for over an hour. I wasn't interested in that, and so I'd just hover near by absentmindedly looking at sterios or alarm clocks till he was done. I saw nothing wrong with that, but it drove him crazy, cause afterward I would continue to be in my own little world till we got out of the store. It ticked me off that he was spending needed income on JUNK but I rarely said anything I just thought about something else till his spending spree was over. It also annoyed me because he was in such a hurry getting in and out of the store that he was rude to other customers. He'd practically run to the department he wanted to look in. He'd let doors go instead of holding them for the next person. He'd push his way through customers, like he was going to a fire. I was more of a leasurely shopper. I was annoyed, but just took a passive role. He'd get furious with me, when I was the one tolerating his behavior. He'd sense I was mad I guess, or bored, or whatever, and he'd call me stupid and slow for not having my brain actively engaged in his activities. If I hung back to look at something, he'd ask within seconds. Do you want that? Most of the time I didn't know if I wanted it or not. It was something that just caught my eye. IT sounds normal, but we fought every friday about shoping. It would erode into a screaming match, and he would repeatedly insult me calling me stupid, retarded, Eienstine in a sarchastic voice, and etc. Simply because I was zoning from boredom and disgust. In the early years I took up for myself, and ranted right back calling him a selfish self centered... and then the profanitity, and occasinally I would attack him physically which was rediculous because he was twice my size. He's called me stupid, lazy, spacy, and a hypochondriac, when as far as I can tell, I don't complain nearly as much as he does. The difference is my complaints are an excuse, because if I feel well he expects me to pick up after him and wait on him hand and foot.

Later after the children I just endured it, and pretty much became what I was accused of. Now I have real blackouts. I CAN'T control my zoning, and I feel awful all the time. I don't have the strength to fight back. I don't have the strength to clean my home, which he feels free to pile up with his stuff.

A few years ago, after he threatened to leave, and I just responded that he knew where the door was, He got a grip on his rage. He really started working on it. I feel like there was a role reversal. He's a great husband. He still buys too much junk and fills up my house with mess, but at least he is nice about it, and he makes more money so I get a LITTLE to run the house with. He's stopped bullying me, and cussing me out. He is still a little intimidating but nothing like in the past. He has never hit me, but he's git in my face and screamed at me till I've hit him a couple of times. All that has stopped now, but I have major problems.

I am learning to be able to ask for things I need, but it isnt' easy, and the moment I feel his anger at me for saying I'm needing more money or telling him the car is giving trouble, it is all I can do to press on, and get what I absolutely need. I have trouble with my energy levels, and in some ways I feel that I am paralized with irrational fear of failure, because I know if I make a mistake he will lord it over me. I don't have any confidence in my own abilities any more, I feel exhausted, and as I said I have had blackouts for the past 12 years. I don't do anything wierd during that time, I just don't remember it. I can't remember things he's told me and that irritates him a lot.

Now if someone was to come in, that didn't know our history, I'd look really bad. I don't do a lot. I can't. I try but I can't make myself do stuff like I used to. It takes a major effort to dress and go to the store. I have trouble making myself do household chores, and quite honestly it would take four strong men a week to clean my house as it is now, and even then they wouldn't be able to make it look nice because of all the excess stuff he buys. It is nice stuff but we can't walk for it. I stay behind on my chores and I am not strong enough to do them anymore. I get exhausted after a half of hour of moderate actiivity especially here in the house. I get so tired I can barely function. I have had spells of this for about 12 years, it gets better and worse but I am not high energy. I never was extremely energetic, but this is rediculous.

I admit I have shut down a lot, and even though he is being a lot nicer, I still have these problems. It isn't that I dwell on the past, or think about it consciously, and I love my husband now... I admit that when he was screaming at me, I really didn't. I had gotten to the point I didn't care, but now I love him, and I see him trying. I am proud of him, but I am too warped to really enjoy it. He still isn't perfect. He still buys junk at an insane rate. He still expects me to guard his emotions, and not spring stuff on him suddenly. He wants me to handle as much as possible before he even gets involved. He isn't what I'[d call supportive, but he is at least civil, and I sense that he loves me... but I can't get a grip now.