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Replies to '07/15 A Husband's Double Life'
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November 26, 2008, 6:11 pm PST
 Quote From: dkchristi I once believed in a lifelong marriage where each partner was true unto the other. I have since learned that men, in particular, are not wired for monogamy. It is often the men who are the most self-rightious that harbor thoughts that would curl the hair of their trusting spouses. The difference is in the action. Some men and women weight the consequences of infidelity and rule on the side of monogamy rather than bring the consequences into their life experiences.
However, there are many reasons for seeking love and friendship outside of marriage; and it does not always mean the spouse is inadequate or the person is heinous. For some, the walk through this life feels brief, and the rush of fresh emotion is an elixer that heightens their ability to function. Often, it's high powered, brilliant people who need more sensual experience that marriage provides. Or perhaps they have the opportunity and means to exercise desires that the less powerful and economically empowere cannot risk.
I do not pass judgment any more. I believe we walk this earth as a piece of our eternal experience and for some, infidelity is part of that walk. Forgiveness and acceptance are part of that experience. Hate and retributions are part of that experience. Broken homes and children without roots are part of that experience. Many of the couples broken by infidelity find stronger relationships; many children of broken homes grow into independent and confident adults.
Life is what it is. If we were not trained to be so shocked by infidelity and instead were taught to communicate our needs and wants before marriage and during marriage, the excitement of infidelity and the tragedy of its revelation might both be reduced. I just have to say that as a man I resent alot on here saying things like "men are not wired for monogamy." I am a very mongoamous man who practised Zen Buddhism and was even celibate for many many years before I got married. This cultural stereotype has become rampant on TV and media too, always blaming men for this and treating us like predators is offensive, some of us are protectors not predators. I have been married nearly 35 years faithfully.
Promiscuity that occurs in sex addiciton is not a natural state in any way and we are not hard wired for it either, but we are being sold that as a fact of the advertsing giants who are running the porn empire.
In fact its being crammed down our throats -especially as men that we have to do this dirt to be macho. Gonzo and Girls Gone Wild is completely unnatural hardcore form of sex for entertainment, it is debased and contaminating not contributing as Dr Phil would say. Oh right, Dr Phil who did this show - another good man if you need some examples. Also check out Barack Obama - first real man in the Office in a millenia, clearly loves his wife, I don't think he'll get caught with his pants down like so many others before him - he's smarter than that.
There was a conference on all this at Denver University in February 2007 featuring Dr. Gail Dines, and the Anti-Pornography Movement. The disturbing trend toward all Hardcore XXX is now a reality and the impacts it is now having on everyone's lives (men, women, and children) is significant.
http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/%7Erjensen/freelance/justprudes.htm
I have no interest or desire to be with anyone other than my wife, and I have zero attraction to porn or sex addicition or sex with multiple partners or in any situation that does not involve my true heart in love with a partner whether male or female.
But I had a freindship (friend only) with a woman who was herself involved in sex and drug addiciton who I counsled at one point, so I know this hits both or either sexes, gay or straight. I know there are many books such as the 'monogamy myth' out there, and I think what this post is pointing out is that marriage can be seen like a diet, in that as soon as there is something you are supposed to do, you want to do the opposite. I think that is true, but its more becuase of our social structure, than our hard wiring. I agree that life is full of tragedy and loss. But this blase attitude toward it is what is behind the reason this goes on in society. Where is your spirit to fight injustice and right these wrongs? I belong to Men Against Pornography group and I am a follower of Robert Jensen, a man who speaks out about what porn does to men to. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET THAT: Men are the victims of the sex industry as much as women are. AND ITS TIME WE ALL TAKE A STAND AGAINT IT. I have had many male friends who struggled with their lusts and desires, and hate themselves for their indescretions, because they pay dearly for them not just because they lose their loved ones, but becuase they are losing a part of thmesleves.
http://www.chebucto.ns.ca/CommunitySupport/Men4Change/the_group.htm
One man's battle against porn spam |
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December 14, 2008, 7:39 pm PST
Quote From: dkchristi I once believed in a lifelong marriage where each partner was true unto the other. I have since learned that men, in particular, are not wired for monogamy. It is often the men who are the most self-rightious that harbor thoughts that would curl the hair of their trusting spouses. The difference is in the action. Some men and women weight the consequences of infidelity and rule on the side of monogamy rather than bring the consequences into their life experiences.
However, there are many reasons for seeking love and friendship outside of marriage; and it does not always mean the spouse is inadequate or the person is heinous. For some, the walk through this life feels brief, and the rush of fresh emotion is an elixer that heightens their ability to function. Often, it's high powered, brilliant people who need more sensual experience that marriage provides. Or perhaps they have the opportunity and means to exercise desires that the less powerful and economically empowere cannot risk.
I do not pass judgment any more. I believe we walk this earth as a piece of our eternal experience and for some, infidelity is part of that walk. Forgiveness and acceptance are part of that experience. Hate and retributions are part of that experience. Broken homes and children without roots are part of that experience. Many of the couples broken by infidelity find stronger relationships; many children of broken homes grow into independent and confident adults.
Life is what it is. If we were not trained to be so shocked by infidelity and instead were taught to communicate our needs and wants before marriage and during marriage, the excitement of infidelity and the tragedy of its revelation might both be reduced. I am a man and have been married for just 16 years, and have never cheated on my wife. Maybe I'm just too dang ugly, but #1. I have a bit of foresight, and don't put myself in a position to cheat. #2. I never hide the fact that I am married and happy. It takes less than a minute to work that bit of information into ANY conversation. #3. If all else fails, I remember how much I love her, and how cheating on my part would hurt her, and it isn't very hard at all to keep it in my pants. I am twice divorced, but it was the wife in both cases that strayed. Probably says something about my ability in my early years to pick a suitable mate. All I can say is that in my opinion, saying men are "hard wired to cheat" is a cop-out. We aren't all that way. |
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