You seem to have TOTALLY missed the point of my story and have apparently added words that I never said and then fabricated your own conclusion! From reading some of your other replies on the board, I realize that you seem to believe that the behavior/experience comes first, then the feelings/attraction, or as you put it, "addiction" comes secondly. Well, you've gotten it backwards. The sexual/erotic feeling must be in place first, after which the behavior/experience may occur as a result, to appease or resolve the feeling. Exactly the same as it happens heterosexually. Let me try to shed some light on my story.
First off, I said nothing about curiosity, experimentation, or addiction. The point of that story was that my perceived homo-erotic feelings were already in place. They already existed! The incident with the male cousin riding on the toy horse, although not intended on his part to be anything sexual, merely served to trigger feelings that were already there. And hence, the acting out later on, in private, upon my toy horse. You see -- feelings exist first - then possibly behavior may occur afterward, as a result of those feelings. It is NOT the other way around. I don't know how to make that any clearer.
Now if you should ask, "well where does the perception of homo-erotic feelings come from in the first place"? The same question may be asked about hetero-erotic feelings. Psychiatrists have been asking both questions for decades, and still can't come up with any single agreement. It can be hypothesized that erotic desire is totally genetic however, I tend to feel there may be a genetic predisposition where early (first) erotic feelings might get triggered more toward one sex or the other. The best theory, and one that is similar to Sigmund Freud's (although regarding only males), is that the newborn infant is potentially bisexual. Actually, I believe Freud theorized that all males are bisexual. I tend to agree.
You have to understand that there are so much stimuli that bombards us in so many ways from the time we are born. Add to that the fact that much of that stimuli will affect children's' feelings and perceptions very differently, even within the same family. Human sexuality is immensely complex. It is deeply ingrained in our psyche and personality and is very much a part of who we are. Our sexuality develops on a continuum from birth, and there can be a myriad of feelings along the continuum between the extremes - hetero to homo.
One's sexual attractions, ones feelings, with whom one falls in love is NOT a conscious choice.
One more point about the mistaken idea that one's sexuality forms and becomes a "habit" or "addiction" resulting from experimentation, seduction, or other sexual behavior. I can tell you honestly that throughout my entire childhood and through Catholic Grammar, HS (circa 50's/60's)and beyond, I had never had any physical, sexual contact whatsoever with other males, neither forced nor consensual. I also had a good, solid relationship with both my Father and Mother. By the time I was in my twenties, the desire toward males was stronger than ever. Although I dated only females, some in HS, some afterward, I was unable to fall in love with females - only males. So, tell me NOW that my sexuality was caused by experience and experimental behavior.
