Replies to '06/10 Marriage Crisis: Drowning in Debt'

Just an FYI, the debt that he racked up prior to your marriage is his problem, not yours.  In the event you divorce, you are not liable for it.  As far as going back to work to support them...go back to work to support yourself.  Establish your own retirement account, savings accounts and spend money on what you want.  I'm so angry  at my husband for what he'd done that if I could afford it I would put myself on a plane for a spectacular vacation, but I am not working right now.  Believe you me, once I find a job, my vacation savings begins!

I really related to the topic today and understand how it happens.  I was married 25 years and this is just about what happened to our marriage.  There was going to be  a foreclosure on the house, we had land to sell too and my husband would not sell any of it. He borrowed money to develop the property and did not develop it.  The puzzle I found myself in was how many years do I try to get him to understand. Or am I at fault enabling to have his dreams of developing by scrambling to keep things paid as best I could. We both played out part in the dissolution of the marriage. It was me that left. Left it all behind and except for this aspect of integrity and unrelenting ways on the house and property. Like I did not exist and had no say, simply discarded. Those were not vows I took either. The story is long we have a son and a daughter who is on disability from health problems on and off since birth.  Yet, it was my daughter that had to tell me it was time to go, the bills and his refusal to "get in the game" was mentally and physically affecting me.
He has shown many colors since we started the divorce 2 years ago. There have been 4 hearings and nothing is resolved.  He does not want to give any money for child support or anything else.  I had no idea the money he had access to that he could have used to get us out of debt.  We just could not communicate about it and we even went to counseling.  Anyhow, he had his problems...mentioned above.Overall, he probably would have been a keeper if the money, stress, and values had not drove us apart. We will never know. I just want to say to those who are having these problems and it affecting your relationship, see if you can get them to talk one more time. Breaking up the family is pretty hard, yet still for me it has been positive and not too damaging to my children who  are in their 20's.  When I watch the youth,  it is clear today's economy has changed many things in society  In hindsight I realize where I let it chip away at my life. Through my life I have learned," you can't change people, only how you react to people."

     Boo-hoo.  Boo-hoo. 

     Now that your "pity party" is over, it is time to be a wife.  Not a girlfriend or an indulged bride, a wife.  That means going back to work.  That means helping your husband forge a realistic relationship with his children.  Quit whining and start being his wife.

What I didn't read was how long you two dated before you decided to get married.  Step children are the death of many relationships/marriages.  If you had a long courtship and saw that your husband wasn't teaching his children values and responsibility and you married him any way, why scratch your head now?  As Dr. Phil has said many times, people talk about a lot of things before they get married, but not about the things that will make a difference in their marriage, IE children, finances, credit status etc.  It's different strokes for different fokes, but if I married someone later in life, someone that had their own income, assets and debt, I would want to keep that separated from my own.  It seems what you two should have discussed was how much each would contribute monthly to the common living expenses.  If you agreed to help support his children, then good, that's what you do.  If you decided that you wouldn't help support his children, then great, don't do it.  But at least there's an understanding going into the marriage.  Personally, I prefer that the most responsible person be responsible for paying the bills each month.  The other person's responsibility is to simply provide their agreed upon amount each month to those common expenses.  Both individuals would then be responsible for paying bills that are specifically theirs from their own maintained accounts.  For instance, if you want to have you hair cut and colored, that comes from your income, your account.  You don't have the funds, you don't get the haircut and color.  I am also not a big fan of older couples opening a lot of joint credit accounts or lines of credit.  I believe you hope for the best, but plan for the worse.  If love ever leaves a marriage, all that's left is the business of distributing the remaining assets of that business.  I know that may sound cold, but it's a reality of life, love and marriage.

 

I am curious about your indication that you don't work.  Your husband agreed to you staying at home and not contributing to your own survival?  I don't know too many adults that get a free ride through life.  I wonder how many men can look forward to marrying a woman that will allow them to stay home and not provide towards the monthly maintenance of both?  I suppose with you not contributing financially, your husband figures you really have no room to talk about him supporting his own children.  Addressing these subjects after you're married is akin to closing that barn door after the horse had already gotten out.  If you can't come to some agreement now, what's the alternative?  All of this should have been dealt with before you got married, that way you would have known whether to say, "I do" or keep on walking.