Replies to '12/29 "Is This Normal?"'

Hi my name is Tina,I think name calling is horrible! I have been with my husband for 20 yrs.We have never called each other nasty names to each other faces.In my opinion,respect for each other is number 1.

 I had a similar thing happen to me.  One time I told my husband that my stomach hurt, and he said "which one?"  When I was offended, he swears he didn't mean it the way it sounded.  How else can it be interpretted?  Also, right before we got married I was talking about going to the gym to lose weight.  My husband is quite a bit older than I, and when I said this, his reply was "when you go to the gym and loose all that weight and become attractive, are you going to leave me for a younger man?"  To me, that implied that he didn't think I was attractive!!  He swears that not only did he not mean that to sound the way it did, but that he meant it as a compliment!!!  Boy would I like to live in the mind of a guy for just one day!  (or would I??)

All my life I have been around witty humour.......really funny things including name calling but totally in a fun way....I would never name call to hurt someone's feelings cause it's not nice but it's all in the way I deliver it.  My husband of 8  years joins in now too.  If I call him a "big bum" or "a waste of time", it's the way I say it that makes him never take offence to it.  He'll call me fun names too and they are not offensive.  My personality is very outgoing and I have a great sense of humour and I am self employed.  Even my past jobs even in management, the staff would always say that the way I name call, clearly I mean no offence to it.  If it ever was offensive I would stop right away but I believe I get away with it because the people know me and know it's not at all serious.  Also, I am not an obnoxious funny girl, I am a witty humor girl.  I know the difference and if someone is obnoxious and think they're funny, well that's not right.  However, I am interested in what Dr. Phil has to say about it because it is different.  I repeat, I would not do it if someone took offence to it.  I had some ladies once work with me at a job and they said they weren't sure how they would like working with me because I'm outgoing and after less than a week they said that they love the way I lead, because even though I have odd pet names, everyone is treated so equally and fairly.  And they ended up joining in.  And again, it's not ALL the time and it's all in fun. 

Find a calm, quiet moment to talk to your husband and tell him that it hurts you when he calls you pork belly and you do not want him to ever say it again! Then tell him you need his help -- you need support, encouragement and a shoulder to lean on. 

  

I think you're not depressed because of his name-calling, you're depressed because you're afraid you deserve the name. Repeat this to yourself everyday, several times: 

  

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

  

Best wishes & good luck, Karen! {hug} 

Hi, Karen...I'm Karen too. :) Now, I can't imagine my husband calling me anything that made me unhappy or depressed. I just can't. If you've told him how it makes you feel and he STILL does it? Maybe he needs a course on being a decent guy--I'd tell him to cut it out NOW, or you're going to show him what it's like when you're not around to mock. 

Stand up for yourself!!! Don't let anyone call you something you don't like...especially if it's someone that supposedly loves you!!!!  

     I quite agree with you, Karen; name-calling is not acceptable, especially when someone else is left feeling worthless. Your husband must be made aware of that fact that his name-calling is a form of emotional abuse, and a definite deal-breaker. During a calm moment, you need to sit down with him and tell him what you've told us so far. If the behavior continues, you may need to remove yourself from the situation; for however long will be entirely up to him. If it should come to that, ask yourself: what's it costing me to remain in this relationship, and is it worth it? Leveling only works when there's someone around to level. No matter how tempting it may be, do NOT stoop to his level. Hope this helps!

Why doesn't your husband know that he is hurting your feelings? You have to either tell him or live with it forever. After you have let it go, you have tacitly told him that it is OK.