Replies to '12/27 Extreme Parenting'
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October 23, 2005, 5:22 pm PDT
 Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Dear Julie, I congratulate you for having the courage to leave. My husband is very hard on my son and puts he and myself down and says he is doing it to motivate us. BS. It is cruel. My daughter is the lucky one she is not affected by his words and tells him to leave her alone and ignores him. She is a little girl with a mission and does not care what he thinks. My son is forever looking for dads approval and will NEVER get it. I am responsible for all that has gone wrong in the world and all that will go wrong per my husband. I wish I had your courage and WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK. I can't wait to see the show. These men put others down and are angry all the time because THEY DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for themselves or their actions. I wish they all would WAKE UP! *DRL* |
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October 27, 2005, 7:12 am PDT
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Dear Julie:
I haven't even seen the show yet and my heart is breaking for you and your daughter. I think you are very courageous to have separated from your husband, knowing how hard that had to be. Having read your post, knowing that he is also talking to YOU as he does your daughter, I can see even more that you were wise to step away.
My father was in the military in the years before I was born. He was not as tough on us as your husband is on your daughter. I never faced the wall. However, he had a problem with anger. When he got mad, he yelled and did on occasion get in my face. There were many times I, too, walked on eggshells around him. My sister would yell back at him. But Mom and I were too scared.
To this day, if my husband yells at himself (he never yells at me) for doing something boneheaded, I flinch and flash back to those days. At times, I have difficulty expressing my feelings to him because I'm afraid my husband will get mad (again, he never has) and yell at me. So the memories do have power.
I loved my father very much. He died a terrible, slow death from a terminal illness. After I grew up and left home, he began to let go and we eventually made peace. But it took a few years in therapy for me to sort it all out and to realize I could be confident in myself, that being yelled at was not normal.
I say all this to tell you that while discipline is important, love is, too. Your daughter needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, even if she messes up. I never had that. And your husband is conveying a totally opposite message. He's telling her he'll love and accept her IF she does certain things. That is a terrible way to grow up. Believe me, I lived it. You don't want her to have to go through that. YOU don't deserve to be talked to in that manner, either. You deserve unconditional love, too. Your "self" is too important to lose. Don't let him take that from you.
Believe me, I am not an advocate of divorce. I hope you are all able to work this out and to make the necessary changes. But if not, don't let it go on. You and your daughter are worth more than that.
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October 27, 2005, 9:30 am PDT
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Julie, This sounds so much like my husband, minimizing my feelings and verbally abusing all of us. Saying that I am too sensitive. When I married him he had 2 children and one was just a baby, her mother died on childbirth. He has such anger towards this precious child. She is now 7 and she is afraid of her dad, he doesn't hit her but he is 350 lbs and he gets in her face and is very mean. He calls her names like cow and pig. I have talked to a psychologist about what to do and he tells me that i just need to be there for her and let her know that he is wrong and to just be a support to her. I have explained to him that he cannot do the things that he does to her or any of the other children. One time things got so bad and my oldest daughter moved out and lived with her dad (and she hates him). I told him that I can not live like that and that I would be gone if he continued. He has been much better and made some improvements. But still the fear that has been planted in my 7 yr olds heart is still there. There are 4 kids all together but he seems to single out the 7 yr old. I realize that there are a lot of things he must be going through, but I can' t let that excuse his behavior of abuse on any of us. I have not seen this show yet, but I think you have alot of courage and I hope that whatever happens you can make peace with yourself. You are trying to make a difference in your own life and the lives of many here. Thank you so much!
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October 27, 2005, 12:58 pm PDT
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 I lived with a man who was abusive in a similar way. He didn't call me names per se, but he found another way to control things. If there was an argument, he would threaten to pack his bag and leave if it didn't go HIS way (and so did so many times) It got so that I would stuff all my frustration and anger down and then blow my top when I couldn't take it anymore. Yes, I doubted myself CONSTANTLY and felt like I was the cause of all our problems. When we finally split for good, I was like a wild animal let out of a cage., I really told him what I thought of him BIG TIME and then wound up looking (once again) like a raving maniac who was to blame. Is anyone taking care of YOU as well as your child? I sure hope so because I'll bet you've got a load to bear as well. I wish you all the best |
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October 27, 2005, 8:29 pm PDT
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Julie, You should be proud of yourself for not tolerating your husband's behavior any more. Walking around on eggshells is no way for you or your daughter to live. There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I wish I could remember the author...Evans may be her last name. At any rate, I think it would be a very helpful book for you. Verbal abuse may not leave physical marks, but the emotional scars are indescribable. You are not over reacting or being too sensitive. PLEASE read the book. You are a role model for your daughter and the barometer she will use to guide her relationships with men. Best of luck to you. |
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December 27, 2005, 1:45 pm PST
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Our children are precious, and we only get one chance with them. I knew there was more to the story. I knew he could not just be yelling at her and not you. I support your decision to get out. There are more fish in the sea. This man does not need to be around children. He obviously doesn't "get it". It's your job to protect her, and that's what you've done.
Keep up the good work and hug your precious daughter every day. |
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December 27, 2005, 2:07 pm PST
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Julie42,
Much luck to you and to the others that might be thinking of leaving an abusive environment. That is what an environment of "having to walk on eggshells, of having someone around who focuses on her negative points, constantly corrects you and criticizes you," is. Your self esteem slowly erodes, because he always seems to have an argument for his behavior, like when he gets mad at YOU for having any sort of emotional response to something he might say or do. It is like this type of man can't handle any emotions coming from anyone but himself, and those emotions should be on the forefront for all to see, to predict, and to cater to. And somehow, over time, we start to believe them.
I had the courage to finally leave my ex, with nothing but the clothes on my back and my young son. After contacting the police department, I found that the time that 911 had been called, but no charges pressed and then we got back together, didn't count. Then my ex tried to destroy my reputation and created all sorts of scenarios where I was an "unfit" mother and tried to take my child from me. He was so protective of our "family" life that very few had ever seen his controlling behavior, and to those that had and had mentioned it, I had DEFENDED him. Such was my conditioning. So many horrible, odd and completely untrue things were said and, you guessed it, a custody battle started.
Ladies, before you leave these men, make sure you save those nasty emails, get a tape recorder and tape his abusive behavior. If he threatens you physically, get out, but make sure you follow through with police reports, etc. Because he will take your leaving as PROOF that he was right about you. You ARE mentally unbalanced (becauses he can't deal with your emotions and you have had little or no emotional support for so long now, in fact, he has probably eroded any network you may have had by alienating friends and family, or even moving you to secluded area.) You ARE an alcoholic if you enjoy a beverage or two. You ARE cheating on him if you have friends that happen to be male. When you leave, he will become more dangerous than ever. He will want to PROVE his is right, probably more to himself than to others. Then, the lawyers at both ends will paint a "worst case scenario" picture of divorce and he will go for your juggular, then you will feel as if you must do the same. If at all possible, and the pathology of your partner permits, please DO get into a co-parenting program. Some courts make it mandatory for divorce cases with high conflict. This program saved my life and made it possible for us to finally co-parent without harming our son.
They call these men Narcissists. Do a web search and see if you are with one.
During it all, remember that home IS a place where you should be safe to be yourself. To cry if you feel sad, to grieve, to heal. It should be a place where dancing is not frowned upon, and friendships aren't threats. It is okay to forego doing the dishes and to roll on the floor and tickle your kids. It is your right, and it is your children's right to be loved no matter what. No matter if they screw up 18 times in one hour. The behavior is to be dealt with, not the person inside. We are all beautiful beyond belief, inside, and it is our task to remember that when we feel like we have failed, that we are somehow irretreivable flawed, when we start to believe what an abusive partner tells us.
I say this to myself as I say this to you, because I am still struggling to get back what I somehow gave away to that man I thought was the love of my life.
All in all, Dr. Phil IS right. It is better to be healthy alone (even if you are scared, you are broke, you feel like you can't do it all) then to be sick with someone else (even if he paid all the bills and ran the place like a military joint where the laundry was always done and everything was always in its place.)
Just make it a SAFE place. Safe to talk, to plan, to dream, to hope, to dance, to even be scared, but leave that scary stuff outside. It is SOFT inside. But watch out, Mama, cuz you and I both have to watch out for being TOO soft, especially if there is shared custody involved. They come home with tales of too many rules, of a harsh tone of voice, or a scared feeling that made them go to their rooms until the other parent was "nice" again. We run the risk of trying to make up for what we know they must be going through. We must remember to give them structure, to be their parent and not their friend. They won't always know what is best for them and before we reach out to make it all "okay" for them, make sure that there isn't a lesson that they need to learn in order to become their best selves.
Good luck, Julie. Keep up the good work. Be proud you had the courage to get out. To those that are still in, beware, be aware and be careful. Do what is best for your children and yourself.
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December 27, 2005, 3:34 pm PST
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Dear Julie, For the first time, I was inspired to sit down and write to Dr. Phil. I was going to tell him that he had missed the mark - well, not so much missed the mark, as not seen "the big picture". I made a few notes while watching your segment, then, before writing to him, discovered the message boards, and your message, and discovered that I was at least partially right. Allow me to share the rest of my 'intuition' - it's really none of my business, anyway - but, between the 3 of you, or at least you and your daughter, it should be dealt with, especially if I'm right. I think that the bare bones of it is an obvious power trip. (Have you seen "This Boys' Life?") Incidentally, I wouldn't have come up with the comparison, except that he compared himself with "The Great Santini", which, btw, is not a compliment either. However, I think that during the dating period with your husband, your daughter was probably protective of you, as children of all single parents are. (Yes, I'm a single parent, of a child who is now pretty much grown up). She probably acted out somewhat, and showed him that he was not particularly welcome in your very comfortable, cozy situation. Being the narcissistic person that he is, he likely knew long before you suspected, that he intended to marry you, never doubting your compliance. There would have been a very strong element of "I'll show you" in his thoughts toward your daughter, back then, in the 'courting' phase. He would have hidden this very well, I think - in fact, he was probably very charming, quite a different person, doing everything that he could to win both of you over before actually living with you. Her reservations might have been stronger than yours, except for times that it was convenient for them not to be - i.e. let's say he had just bought her a generous gift, especially one that her friends would admire - one that might make her think he was more 'in tune' with her age group than she had thought. This would only be manipulative on his part - it's perfectly natural for her to be won over, for a short period of time, and then to return to her natural, instinctual misgivings. I was sure, while watching the show, that he treated you the same way. I was also sure that he felt humiliated to be told that he was wrong in any way - especially for his contract to be graded. This is a man who thinks himself much smarter than he actually is: he thinks that by throwing in the word 'deems' that it makes him part of the academia. And infraction? How dare he? Infraction by whose standards? Who is he to call anything an infraction? My first, knee-jerk, childish reaction would be 'you're not the boss of me'. I predict that he will take only the things he wants to out of that advice - those being when Dr. Phil said to you, Julie "Are you too indulgent?" thereby laying all of the blame on you. "You need to change that" - he will take that as directed at you, instead of at both of you. When Dr. Phil said "You can be firm" "You can set rules", you can be assured that he will take it upon himself to set rules and be MORE THAN FIRM on his own, not as a team. And that those rules will apply to you, as well. He will NOT believe that kids don't have impulse control, or that their brains aren't fully developed yet - not developed enough to see the consequences of their actions - even although this is a proven scientific fact. The statements that he made that really stood out were "I wanted to correct that", and how it was "his will against her will" - he would never allow someone else's will to win over his, no matter how much yelling, it took. This is a person who would progress into violence. Dr. Phil said to him "Your motives might be good" I strongly disagree with that. His motives are completely driven by a lust for power, and the need to have both of you under his heel. Please, Julie, stay away from him. He will not change. You could tell by the look on his face, and his constant 'twitching' when he didn't like what was being said, that most of this information was being 'spun' on the way in one ear, before it got out the other. Do not believe ANY of the negative things that he has told you that you are. Please, just take a look at him - you could do a lot better. What kind of self discipline does he have? Just look at the 'before and after' pictures provided here on the website - I'm not personally against being overweight - I'm just saying that for someone who is supposedly all about discipline, then he should be providing a perfect example of self discipline, in every possible way. Children live up & down to expectations - and 'up to' works much better. Believe me, I had a mother who constantly told me that I'd be pregnant before I was 17 - and, I was. One thing that Dr. Phil says that is extremely true is the phrase about 'it takes 1000 "atta girls" to get rid of 1 derogatory phrase'. I believe that it's never necessary to raise a hand to children, because it's humiliating to them - love works much better than so called discipline. In fact, if they're shown enough love, and direction, you'll find that they'll do what they're told, without 'discipline'. I must stress again that both you & your daughter do not believe the vile, vitriolic things that this man has said to you. Get counselling if necessary - you need to train your brain to think & believe the positive, because it's easier to believe the negative. I'm saying this from experience - my sons' father was the same kind of power tripper & control freak. Thankfully, I didn't stay with him. My family dynamic is appalling - it's easy for an outsider to see - but when behaviours have slowly been allowed to continue over the years, they seem natural to those who are perpetuating them. Yes, I have tried to arrest these behaviours on several occasions, but my mother claims that I 'take her the wrong way' OR she promises to change....she's like Lucy in the 'Peanuts' cartoon, though - holding the football for Charlie Brown, promising not to pull it away, only she always does - consequently, I see my family very rarely. I never want to be a victim, I don't want to stop trusting people - because there are good people out there - I'm grateful for those people. I've always thought that the most important moral was to be kind. So, please be kind to yourself, and your daughter, trust your intstincts & intuition - they're never wrong - stay away from that horrible man. If you haven't seen "This Boys' Life" do see it - it's more accurate than "The Great Santini". Oh - btw, you're lucky that there are no other siblings, or he would be playing favourites - adoring one, holding her up as an example, and using the other as a bad example - & giving her no credibility whatsoever, when she says & does worthwhile things. Basically, then, the 2 kids could do exactly the same thing - it's great if the 'good' one does it and terrible if the 'bad' one does it. "Why can't you be like your sister/brother?" Good luck to you, Julie. I'm so glad that you're still separated from him. I couldn't add an 'emote' to this because I feel disgust toward that man, and that wasn't provided in the drop down menu. I hope that you and your daughter are recovering - sometimes these people can put you in such a state of trauma that your relationship can actually improve, you can be brought closer together. I do hope that that is the case. Suki 13.
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December 27, 2005, 9:31 pm PST
Quote From: julie42
Extreme Parenting: My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband. Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First. I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time. One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense. I just didn't really know, to be honest. All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry. Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault. I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child. I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger. And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind. I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up. When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!! I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long. When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me? AM I the problem here? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation. All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)! No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically. Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within. We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships. So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been. I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right. I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military. He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is. I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. Wish us luck. My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. Julie42 Julie,
Just wanted to send a quick note to say thank you for putting your daughter first and not your husband. So many women do the opposite with little regard for the impact it has on the children.
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