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Replies to 'Breaking Up'
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July 31, 2005, 12:02 pm PDT
 Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! That his offer is unacceptable. He apparently doesn't understand that once you are a parent you are always a parent whether the child lives with you or not. Sometimes kids come home after they have "left the nest". It's not like your children are a hobby that's on the side that you can just put aside whenever you want. I personally find his request outrageous. If he had such an issue with your children, he should have never started dating you. Many relationships today come as "package" deals. I myself have 2 kids and my b/f has 1. Your children are a part of you and always will be. If this man can't handle that, I would suggest he move on and find someone without children. A question you may ask yourself is "After the kids move out and I marry this man and something should happen where one of my children need to move home....will I have to tell them that they no longer can come to the place they have always known as home?" I wish you the best. Keep in touch. |
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September 30, 2005, 1:03 am PDT
Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! Hello Dear
Yes I think you heard me when i said you are wrong, you wanna know why you are wrong ok this is the expian of it many things happend and you didnt figure out that he wont marry you and he started to make excuse like..... 1- he became even more distant 2- he only wanting to meet for a "coffee" 3-he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. here comes your mistake after what he said to you and you been stunned you did this ,,,, I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk,,,,, why after what he said to you why you did that,,,, and later he tells you that he cant marry yu because of your children sorry its ( bullshit ) how come you can live away from your children i dont know how he thinks what if they were his children and what he said to you yu said to him what he will act about it? that man does net deserve you he just deserve one like him i am really sorry that he's a man No that never been a man, that man just wanted to have fun with no commitment. That was my personal opinion.
Regards Mohammed |
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November 3, 2005, 10:31 am PST
Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! If your kids aren't good enough for him, then neither are YOU, ma'am! That's what I would have told him. The REAL TRUTH is, HE is NOT worth putting your kids second place. God gave you those precious kids to raise and be there for them whenever they need you. God will decide when your motherly duties are over with-- not some dude who SAYS your kids are the problem and acts like they are in the way. You were those kids' mom well before you were that guy's girlfriend. Please don't sell your wonderful children short. They need to know that they will ALWAYS be first place in your heart. If your bf was the RIGHT kind of guy, he'd treat the children as extensions of you and show them love, as well. Please do really think about whether or not he is the sort of person you should be spending your time and living your life with. I think you will soon realise that there are much better and more worthy men out there. Good luck, be strong, and may God Bless you and your children. |
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September 16, 2007, 3:45 pm PDT
Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! Speaking as a man first time post.....This guy sounds like a self righteous jerk and only thinking of himself!
Can I begin by saying, the other person is right. If this guy can't accept now what you’re trying to do, get on with it, leave him and because there is a lot more to life and who knows you may meet someone WHO does care for your children, and you go for it. Leave him, before you make the wrong mistake. Trust it as a gift, and that way you know your right. Just imagine if you did get married?
"I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally."
Your not. I find we men need a wake up call sometimes and if this guy hasn't woken up and smelt the roses by NOW, well move over....Your reaction is totally normal and believe me it's not you. He is manipulating your kindness and the children and trying to make his word law. ‘Bugger that mate,’ we say here in New Zealand. Even though I'm a guy I would appreciate what little or all if I had in a partner that sounds half as endearing and trying as you are.
Getting on or moving on is the question. Can you?
The only question to ask is of your self. Do I need this guy? Does he love me and MY children? Is he playing me for sex and whatever...? We men, are as I said, are not able to discern sometimes the beauty that we should sacrifice. My question is, and this is you….. "if I loved you and say my children did leave but for some reason needed me, wanted to come back home, how would you be able to handle this?"
I personally think this guy is selfish and taking HIMSELF into consideration while making out YOU need him. NAH! It’s the other way around. You go for it girl. Get him OUT of there and start to believe in yourself and your kids.
Regards The Kiwiguy
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September 16, 2007, 4:04 pm PDT
Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! Speaking as a man first time post.....Can I begin by saying, the other person is right. If this guy can't accept now what you’re trying to do, get on with it, leave him and because there is a lot more to life and who knows you may meet someone WHO does care for your children, and you!
"I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally."
Your not. I find we men need a wake up call sometimes and if this guy hasn't woken up and smelt the roses, move over....Your reaction is totally normal and believe me it's not you. He is manipulating your kindness and the children and trying to make his word law. ‘Bugger that mate,’ we say here in New Zealand. Even though I'm a guy I would appreciate what little or all if I had a partner that sounds half as endearing and trying as you are.
Getting on or moving on is the question. Can you?
The only question to ask is of you. · Do I need this guy? · Does he love me and MY children? · Is he playing me for sex and whatever...?
I’m sure your mentally struggling with this and have already said these over and over to yourself. Time to act on it. We men are as I said, not able to discern sometimes the beauty that we should sacrifice. My question is, and this is you, "if I loved you and say my children did leave but for some reason needed me, wanted to come back home, how would you be able to handle this?"
I personally think this guy is selfish and taking HIMSELF into consideration while making out YOU need him. NAh, it’s the other way around. You go for it girl. Get him OUT of there and start to believe in yourself and your kids.
Regards The Kiwiguy
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July 29, 2008, 4:01 pm PDT
Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! The above was originally posted 3 years ago - and it wasn't me - but I find myself in a similar situation. I'm a divorced widow (divorced, then my ex passed away a couple of years later), I've been dating my friend for nearly 3 years, and when I sold my old house, my daughter and I lived with him for 10 months before buying another house. At the time I moved in with him, it was our intention to "try on a family" and see how he did with living with a child (she was 11 at the time) - since he too doesn't have any children of his own.
What a miserable failure.
I bought my own home last month, and my daughter and I are thrilled with it. But now I'm trying to figure out if or how to break up with my boyfriend. I'm 44, and would think I would know what I want and how to go about doing things...
He realised through our shared experience that he in fact does not want to be a step-dad, and does not think I'm raising my daughter the way I "should" - I'm not raising her with an iron fist the way his family does things. He doesn't think I demand enough respect from my child. Right now, as a 12 year old, she still talks to me about what's going on in her life, and I take time to talk to her about the realities of being a teenager. We have a great relationship, she's a good girl, very creative, expressive, has good friends, makes good grades, enjoys our church, church youth group and church camp...I know I'm doing something right.
I need some encouragement here.
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