I posted several messages on my board, and it may seem like I was angry with you...I don't really know you so please understand that I've been on both sides of the fence. I was married to a passive male parent, and I had to take ALL the responsibilities for the children (his, mine, ours), for the household and finances and it nearly drove me out of my mind! My husband was more a problem child than the children, and his siding with his kids (especially his daughter who was very precocious), made matters even worse. For example, when we lived in El Toro, CA, there was a rash of kidnapping of young girls. When my stepdaughter asked to go to her friends house, and I asked her to be home by a certain time, it was for her protection! One time, she didn't listen to me, and as a parent I WAS FRANTIC about her whereabouts! When the MP's finally found her, I was like any mother torn between angry and relieved, yet, my husband blamed ME for her being gone, never once took it upon himself to discipline HER for not listening to parental rules!
Another guy I dated was just about as bad. He expected my kids to clean up after his kids when they'd come on their weekend visits, and yup, you guessed it, I was the one to had to discipline them. His 2 boys? Drugs and alcohol...wrecking cars, other bad behavior.
You're right...you're too passive. You are your daughter's mom...not her buddy. If you don't start NOW to explain to her that dirty dishes are NOT allowed in the bedroom, and other stuff, then she will never learn good habits for her adult life! Was your husband's method extreme...maybe for you, but you accepted him as your husband, you knew he was a Marine, and you should understand that he KNOWS it's a very very scary world out there for these kids!
She's 12 now, but without some in-house discipline, where will your daughter be in 3-5 years? Do you think that your daughter's potential husband wants a wife who's like that? Just understand, be strong.
To the DAUGHTER:
I know your stepfather seems to have some outlandish, what you think are 'cruel' ways of getting you to do stuff around the house. You're a big girl now, and you must learn some things in life in order to make it through this tough life. Yes, cleaning up after yourself is one of those things...just DO IT when you're told, and quit trying to pit your mom and dad against each other. My daughter has been doing her own laundry since age 9 - wash dry fold and put away. She takes the trash out each week for pick up - without being told. She likes to have a clean house when her friends come over, and does not let her friends mess up the house. There are rules here. She volunteers for different causes. I don't force her to do a lot of stuff; we usually share a lot of tasks. Some of our best talks together have been while baking or doing dishes! I spanked my boys with a belt when they were 13 and 16 respectively for tickling their sister until she cried. This is NOT about being a bully to you, it's about your dad wanting you to learn things that will help you in life! You have to learn to respect your parents as your PARENTS, not as your buddy. Life is tough out there, and if you think being an almost-teen is tough, well, just wait. Most of all, learn to respect yourself!
