Replies to '02/27 Forced to be a Deadbeat Dad?'

I am an 'oops' out of wedlock mother, at the age of 40. I was told my now ex-boyfriend of 7 years was infertile by his sister-in-law. I didn't 'trick' my then boyfriend into pregnancy, no one was more shocked after 3 years when I got pregnant. I made a decent income, but my ex made more than me each year. I paid 100% of t hat child's pregnancy, all his medical expenses, put a roof over his head all by myself for years and spent the bulk of my other son's college fund to support that child. All the while, dad is trying his best to live off of me making 7-25K more than me a year, no other children. Why am I the one who should suffer and my children suffer because he doesn't want to be bothered, while making 72K +/-a year? In year 3, I pursued child support and found out the week I signed the papers he was cheating on me with someone half my age. There may be SOME out of wedlock mothers who are doing it for the money, but we are not all. And anyone who is doing it to get child support is in lah-lah land. Child support rarely makes a woman's life 'rich' or means she doesn't have to work. MOST mothers do all the work ... laundry, buying the clothes, providing the toys, etc., Statistics prove that in the beginning men may be on the down-side, but over time (in as little as 2-3 years) most men are overall financially more viable than the women are because they are free to spend more hours at work or in whatever play event they want.

I do not believe in abortion and am perfectly capable of supporting all of my children...and have done so for years, but the same court that orders child support also orders me to turn the child over x times a week. My ex quit his job to avoid child support, refuses to pay anything, and I still hand the child over as required. So, that guy that said "IF women let father's see their kids they would get child support" doesn't know what he's talking about. My ex husband and my ex boyfriend both get to see their kids as ordered by the court, and neither has felt they are responsible for the less fun aspects of taking care of a child, not just in finances, but in laundry, running them to school early for special projects, etc. Both of my ex's left me, I didn't force them out. But I pay the price as do my children. The ex's are free to procreate again and do whatever they want.

I've never met a man who wanted to financially support their children whether they see them or not.

Why the difference in support obligations? It is because many years earlier, men who worked were divorcing women who were stay-at-home moms. This left women and children to live in absolute poverty because mom had not worked outside the home, making it difficult to get a decent paying job since mothering is so devalued in this society. The percentages allow a mother who has stayed home to mother her children to be able to feed her kids when dad finds the secretary more interesting than the wife. In my case, my ex quit his job making nearly $80K the year he quit ($20K more than me and I not only have 2 other children, I have a mentally retarded, special needs child). He tried to get the court to drop his child support to 25% of my daycare expense for our one child, and nothing for housing, food clothes etc. He claimed he was going to 'go to school.' I spent my older son's entire college fund, now he has to get student loans to go to school so my ex doesn't have to support his child???? Is THAT fair to my son or me who had saved and lived responsibly for years just so my ex could be a deadbeat? It MIGHT be different if my ex had ever voluntarily support the child, but he didn't.

When my parents divorced in 1972, my mother was making minimum wage. If my dad didn't send child support, our electricity got shut off, or the water or the gas...whichever bill she couldn't afford to pay because he wouldn't provide his support. She didn't live frivolously. We didn't go out to dinner and during the 13 years I lived with her after the divorce, we only went on 3 vacations. Our house, while decorated okay, was cheap. The wind blew through the windows in the winter and frequently I had nothing for breakfast and very often I didn't even had enough for lunch money. Those laws are in place as they are to protect children. My father absolutely did not care if we ate or not when he didn't send his support. But I watched him write checks to pay his girlfriend's utility bills and buy her kids' groceries. I spent 2 years in counseling as an adult to untangle the psychological damage that message gave me.

These are not simple money games between adults. There are real and lasting scars to the kids caught in the financially controlling parent's game.

And be ware. The father that won't pay for his first set of kids won't pay for yours if/when he leaves you. Second divorce rate is 64% and it goes up from there!

This is upseting. Years ago women struggled for women's rights and equality. Women need to continue to step up to the plate. Fathers should also step up, but women should not ALLOW child support to be so outrages that when THEIR child visits with father, it is sad that they are nat able to bond while doing outdoor activities and be able to take child to the movies or out for dinner, the simplest of things that matter and the kids remember as the grow up. "Women" do have that right to tell child support "You know that amount is really not necessary". Children are not accustomed to a certain amount of living, parents were. And even if the children need to remain in those standards of living. Then why do parents need to return to modify child support if father years down the road earns higher wages. The child is not accustomed to that living, right? What's really going on? Child support receives interest on arrears and payments. I just don't seem to understand this system, I just know its unfair.