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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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June 30, 2009, 6:26 pm PDT
 Quote From: deepsea23 I would really appreciate any advise/similar experiences to help aid me in a horrific situation...
I have been dating the love of my life for almost 5 years now and living together for 2 years. We met in college when we were young and he was "soiling his oates" but i always knew that we had something special and we were off and on for a few years because i knew that he wasnt ready to commit to me fully. We have been through so much together over th years including myself getting him help for alcoholism, family issues, cervical cancer scares and deaths.
I have never been that type of girl who has felt the need to go from guy to guy and have had two committed, long lasting relationships thus far (sometimes regretted not being more "experimental"). I have always put my focus on school, helping others and love honestly. I have been a "loyal" person my entire life i would say to all who surround me. Until a few weeks ago.
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years and it has been great. I love spending time with him, still get butterflies and he is a wonderful person. I have been in school during this time and he works. I have been in a very stressful time for awhile...and recently it went BOOM!
I graduated, closed on a condo (in my boyfriends name), got a job, am studying for my boards, and am in the process of moving. To say the least i was stressed. I returned to my familys home to relax and celebrate my graduation and after going out with a few friends decided to meet up with one of my buddies from college to celebrate (he also just graduated from school in another state). i rarely lie to my boyfriend but decided it wasnt worth telling him i would be out for a few hours with this buddy and i have no sexual attraction anyways. Went out with this boy ...i had at one point suspected he liked me back in college when i was single( but it never went through cause i have no sexual chemistry with him and i was always in love with my current boyfriend.)..needless to say he bought me a ton of shots and i blacked out. i remember the cab ride briefly and a small bit afterward. i woke up the next morning at his place devasted and realized i had sex. i remember about 5 seconds of it and i believe i was trying to push this guy off and literally went limp. It is disgusting.
I have been an emotional wreck ever since. I essentially ran out of there. i was ballling and i never thought that this could happen. this other guy was supposed to be my "friend" and he had a girlfriend of 2 years so i thought i was "safe" NOT saying i am not responsible and i should have never gone out with this guy in the first place behind my boyfriends back.
It is the single worst thing i have ever done. I didnt think i had it in my character but i was wrong. i dont believe once a cheater always a cheater! i would never dream of getting myself in this situation again or wish this upon my worst enemy.
Questions are? Should i live with this secret before i possibly get engaged (most likely in the next year) and deal with the repurcussions and carry my own burden or should i tell my boyfriend so i am not getting engaged to him without him knowing everything. Its so hard because any way you look at it cheating is awful and horrible but i dont want to tell him to make myself feel better and have him hurting/not trusting for so many years when I know i will never do this again. I also take engagement and marriage very seriously and its hard to seperate since we arent engaged/married yet. I feel so confused because i really wasnt mad at him or doing this out of spite our relationship is amazing and i truly belive he is my soulmate.
Other: I have been tested for STDs and have not had sexual intercourse with my partner since. I am waiting for the results. The only other person that knows is my best friend who lives in another state. This guy has left also for another state and is permantely moving away. I have told the guy i will never talk to him again and deleted all contact.
It seems to be affecting your relationship because of the shame you are feeling over what you clearly articulate as a mistake. Maybe you should first think over exactly what you are feeling and deal with it before bringing it up with the man you are actually in love with. Make sure it is real what you are feeling for him and is not just guilt for doing that to a really wonderful man who is possibly going to marry you. Make sure what you feel about what happened first and then think of him and make your decision to reveal this or not based on HIM, not yourself. Most likely he knows that there is something going on with you, but he may not be able to figure it out, which probably is hurting him as much as you are hurting, if not more. If he wants to marry you, he is thinking of you and what is affecting you, and he's probably wondering why you won't talk about it. After time, this could lead to worse, where he begins to think its him that there's something wrong with and it could all just spriral into neither of you saying what you want to say and that's more messed up than if you just are honest. The truth often gets very skewed when feelings of this magnitude are involved, sometimes to move past the regret and forgive yourself may be more than enough to reassure yourself and him that you are devoted and committed to a life-long relationship together.
First make sure of what you feel for him and if it is what makes a marriage, then you will do what is best for him and he will, in turn do the same for you. Don't leave this one to chance, if you know what you feel about what you have done and about him, then don't waste one single moment more wallowing in shame. There are consequences for what we do, but we have a degree of control over how we choose to live with those effects. |
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