I confronted two of my abusers about two years ago. For more than 30 years I tried to forget, tried to keep the secrets as promised, but the secrets were destroying me.
About the age of four (uncle # 1) molested me repeatedly while babysitting. My sister also. She told. The uncle was asked to babysit again regardless.
I remember around the age of eight (uncle # 2) was handing out treats. He didn't give me one. When I said, "you forgot me" he replied "you're already too fat!" Within a short time however, he seemed to think my body was okay for self-fulfilling purposes.
I lost my virginity to (uncle # 3) about the age of eleven. I hadn't yet reached puberty. I remember the blood on the sheets. I began puberty after the incest began and for a few years - out of shame and confusion - couldn't tell my mom I was having periods. I stuffed my underwear with gobs of toilet paper monthly. Uncle (#3) would often tell me he loved me. He'd invite me to go hunting with him etc. He treated me with favor...I was very naieve, very volnerable (lack of nurture and other abuses within the home). I allowed some things for the sake of feeling loved and accepted.
I lived a life of self-hatred, hating others, guilt, shame and more. My self-medicating involved several years of bulimia, alcohol and drug abuse etc. I sought conseling in adult years (no counseling was offered in teen years, even though family members knew something was going on). At the time rather, I was whipped with a belt, had my hair pulled, called a slut, whore and tramp.
The uncle who took my virginity would threaten to commit suicide if I ever told. And a couple of times even pretended to do so when I said "no" by locking himself in the bathroom, allowing me to hear a loud thump (as though he'd just killed himself behind the locked door) and for several minutes afterward (as a teen) I'd panic thinking - if he had really killed himself - it would be all my fault! He never committed suicide, but I tried to do so twice in my life. The last time (through overdose of drugs and alcohol), while recovering in the hospital, the doctor said "God definitely has a plan for your life and for you being here. What you took was enough to kill a horse" I was only about 110 pounds...I believe the doc is right.
That's bits of the background.
In my twenties I began attending a Bible believing church. I accepted that Jesus Christ was Lord and Savior of my life. I began to grow...and am still in a growing process.
My decision to speak to my abusers a couple of years ago stemmed from my concern for others. Particularly the two (now teenage) daughters of the uncle who took my virginity. He spends a lot of one-on-one time with each of them - hunting, fishing etc. I was (and continue to be) haunted by ways he manipulated me with...tactics I believe would work on his own daughters. He refers to each of them as "his favorite" and when I see these girls, I believe I'm looking at victims of sexual abuse...but I can't prove it.
Before confronting my abusers, I chose to first look at myself. Hurting people, hurt people...and I'd hurt many people in the past. I chose to first, contact three people I continued to feel bad about hurting myself (through horrible words or unkind action). I apologized to them for my offenses toward them. They forgave.
I reported my "suspicions" about (uncle # 3) to the child protection agency, sharing my past experience with him, and my suspicions of the present. They (understandably) explained to me that they need at least two different people to report suspicions to investigate. They encouraged me to speak to his wife and try to get her to talk to her daughters, ask questions. I met with her and explained there's been issues of sexual abuse in the family (not only me) and encouraged her to talk with her daughters. She didn't seem open to that, however she shared with me that one of the daughters came to her one time and shared that "a friend of hers told her that the friends father was sexually abusing her." I'm convinced this daughter was trying to talk to the mother about her own circumstance...but the mother is difficult to talk with and no further discussion took place.
I asked the uncle to stop and talk with me at my home. He did. I shared with him how the things of the past had a severe negative effect on my life in many ways (including my marriage...which has survived now 20 years!) I asked my uncle if he carried feelings of shame regarding the past. "Yes." He apologized. I told him I forgive him, but am concerned about anything that might have happened between he and his daughters. He denies any wrongdoing. I don't believe it. My mind is 99% convinced he's lying, and that my suspicions are 100% right. But there's always that 1% of me that acknowledges I could also be 100% wrong.
Though the conversation ended well with my uncle, he stopped by the next day (angry, having learned I talked with his wife) and told me I was never to speak about the past again. He'd told his wife I accused him of f....ng his daughters; and so the wife hates me and refuses to talk to me. To my knowledge she never spoke to the daughters. Rather than being able to focus on what I'd talked to her about, her focus is on her hatred of me. This saddens me.
Later I had an opportunity to talk to one of the daughters alone. I shared with her that "somewhere I'd heard that a friend of hers was being sexually molested by the father." My cousing denied knowing such a friend. (Pretending not to hear her denial) I shared with her that I too was sexually abused and if her friend needed someone to talk to, I was available. I shared with her that "her friend would likely want to protect her father and would likely be afraid to talk to anyone, but there's a lot of people that would understand and that her protecting him wouldn't really be helping him. We talked a bit about God, heaven and hell. I shared with her that if "her friend" confronted the issue, the father might come to repentence, turn from his sin, and grow in grace."
This has gotten very long...and only scratches the surface. Please pray for deliverance for all who's lives are devastated by abuse. I believe, with the grace of God, we can make a difference.
God's grace, peace and mercy to you.
