Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'

Here was my situation briefly: After living with a man for 10.5 years in a happy relationship, where marraige came up once in awhile, I caught him cheating. In his defence he justified the cheating because we were not married.  I gave him 2 chances too many to change his behavoir and ended up walking.  I have never been happier.   

Since then I have asked him if we were married would it have made a difference.  He said yes, because he would have felt more secure.  I didn't feel any less secure not being married, nor did I feel that we were less committed to each other. I will never ever really know - who can trust a liar and a cheater. 

It makes sense to me to live together.  It is like a trial run, you can see if you are compatible living with one another, expenses are cheaper, blah, blah, blah. But, (and no that doesn't mean disregard everything I just said, it means - on the other hand) men seem to have a different perspective on the cohabitational relationship.  It's  like a freebee for them.  All the benefits of having a wife without the commitment. 

I will never live with man again.  Now back to you (this message board sucks, I don't remember who the poster was).  Often times we don't know what we can do because we don't know what we can do.  It is great that you have reached out for advice so you can see what some other options are.  

Of course he is happy!! You both think he has all the power and you are buying into it!! You sooooooo deserve better than that.  You need someone who appreciates you.  Why not start with yourself?  Find your self-worth.  Stop all of the "I'm a failure", "I'm a bad mom" , "I'm a bad woman", "I want to much" tapes and replace them with "I am worthy", "I'm an awesome mother", "I am a great woman", "I deserve more and I will get it!!".  I know exactly how much strength you can get from your children.  We all feel or have felt, while going through a crisis, if we didn't have this person or that person we would die.  The reality is we all have an inner strength and it comes when we are our own best-friends.   

Now, since you do have your daughter you can pull that into the picture and draw upon that strength, until you discover your own self-worth.  Do you want her to grow up thinking she needs a man to survive? Do you want her to see how you have to be disrespected in order to live? No, no, no... that is not what you want her to learn. 

There is no doubt in my mind that you are worthy of this man's love, and attention.  I don't think he is worthy of you giving him another thought.  Obviously, you entered into this arrangement thinking it was some type of partnership.  So, get a plan together.  Plan A, and Plan B.  Run them simultaeneously.   

Plan A could be you try to renogotiate what the relationship is.  Start by what he thought it was when you moved in and what you thought it meant when you moved in.  What you both think it is now and where you both want it to go, and come to some compromise. You must do this with confidence.  Pretend like you are a actress if you have to.  Say things like as if you were selecting a flavor of ice-cream, not like your daughter's life depends on it - because it doesn't.  And keep things in about a 20 minute time frame.  The goal is that he sees that you are worthy of a partnership, you have self-respect, and he is in training to treat you the way you deserve to be treated... Like the queen you are!! 

Plan B (in my opinion) should be you preparing to walk.  Where can you and your daughter go? Are there family or friends that will help you out?  Take inventory.  How much money do you need to save for another place to live? What kinds of programs are there in your area to help you? Maybe a church or other organization.  Stop providing extras in the current household and don't be guilted into spending your money on the household. Your contribution is all the other stuff you do.   

1. You are number One.  Take care of yourself!! Eat right, exercise, look nice. 

2. Be happy about it.  This will free you of a lot of stress. This is a happy time -  you get what you want or you go and get what you want. People like to be around happy people. 

3. Don't need him - really you don't need someone that is selfish and makes you feel like a looser.  No one has the right to make you feel bad!! Seriously, there is not one person that should have that much power over you.  He's taking advantage. 

4. Tell him what you prefer... I prefer to stay here and be your mate, but if you want me to move out I understand.  Like I prefer to have vanilla ice-cream, but if all you have is chocolate that's fine.  I would like to give my self to you but if you would like the gift of missing me that's fine too. 

Hugs, 

Kindle