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Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
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October 26, 2005, 2:08 pm PDT
 Quote From: enzymbia Wow! I feel like my brain is on vacation! As you might have noticed, I have been quiet the past few days. Well, this is what has happened: The past few days, I have found myself falling into old tracks and I've fellt rather useless. Then, yesterday, my ex said something that got me to react. I got angry at him, and basically stormed off. While walking, I kept thinking about it, wondering what had really made me so upset and I came to the conclution that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I got angry because I got "caught with my had in the cookiejar". I got caught doing something that I hadn't thought through. Later I realised that wasn't the only thing I was angry about. I've basically been a black, gloomy could the past few days. I kept blaiming my ex for "making me" change, and this nagging little voice in my head kept telling me I'd have been "happy without him, yes, happy in my old misery"... That I'd have been happy staying in that crazy relationship I was in before I met him, that I'd be happy to continue cutting and harming myself, that I'd have been happy to STAY AS I WAS, thank you very much. - Then it just hit me, a few minutes ago. This isn't about him. At all. This is FEAR popping up. This is FEAR that wants me to stay with what I know. It realises that to change I have to let my old safety nets wither away. I wont be able to harm myself in any way, nor manipulate anyone else to do so for me, I wont be able to hide, lie, justify and forget. I wont be able to blame anyone else, I wont be able to run away from what scares me... For days I have felt like "I'm so dark and sick and twisted"... And now I know I'm not. I'm just feeling scared and now that I have identified it, I think I can handle it (I welcome suggestions, though). There's no waiting phase, there's no learning how to phase. There's just quitting. Paying attention to these elements listed above and stopping myself from doing them. Damn, I'm scared and I really feel like shutting the door saying "well, I'm happy and safe here, goodbye". I am really terrified. The next step I'm looking into is: What healthy things can I replace these patterns with? Cheers from a slightly stunned Sanna-Terocia. You have already seen how the tools in Self Matters is working .... once you finally read it from front to cover, you can finally begin to pull it together for the rest of your life. |
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October 28, 2005, 6:17 am PDT
Quote From: enzymbia Wow! I feel like my brain is on vacation! As you might have noticed, I have been quiet the past few days. Well, this is what has happened: The past few days, I have found myself falling into old tracks and I've fellt rather useless. Then, yesterday, my ex said something that got me to react. I got angry at him, and basically stormed off. While walking, I kept thinking about it, wondering what had really made me so upset and I came to the conclution that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I got angry because I got "caught with my had in the cookiejar". I got caught doing something that I hadn't thought through. Later I realised that wasn't the only thing I was angry about. I've basically been a black, gloomy could the past few days. I kept blaiming my ex for "making me" change, and this nagging little voice in my head kept telling me I'd have been "happy without him, yes, happy in my old misery"... That I'd have been happy staying in that crazy relationship I was in before I met him, that I'd be happy to continue cutting and harming myself, that I'd have been happy to STAY AS I WAS, thank you very much. - Then it just hit me, a few minutes ago. This isn't about him. At all. This is FEAR popping up. This is FEAR that wants me to stay with what I know. It realises that to change I have to let my old safety nets wither away. I wont be able to harm myself in any way, nor manipulate anyone else to do so for me, I wont be able to hide, lie, justify and forget. I wont be able to blame anyone else, I wont be able to run away from what scares me... For days I have felt like "I'm so dark and sick and twisted"... And now I know I'm not. I'm just feeling scared and now that I have identified it, I think I can handle it (I welcome suggestions, though). There's no waiting phase, there's no learning how to phase. There's just quitting. Paying attention to these elements listed above and stopping myself from doing them. Damn, I'm scared and I really feel like shutting the door saying "well, I'm happy and safe here, goodbye". I am really terrified. The next step I'm looking into is: What healthy things can I replace these patterns with? Cheers from a slightly stunned Sanna-Terocia. Enzymbia,
You are correct, you are not dark, sick and twisted. You are experiencing Life on Life's terms. Sometimes this can be so difficult.
You say a part of you wants to close the door, say you are happy and safe and secure in your fear. In reality you are not, or you would not be here saying what you are saying.
We tend to go towards things that comfort us. We go towards the familiar, as we know it, we have touched it, tasted it, and find ourselves surrounded by it. What we don't realize when we do this is we are creating for ourselves a Life experience that does not create health.
Your hand was in the cookie jar. Now it is out of the cookie jar. You are dealing with things as you can, and you are reaching out. You want to be healthy, you want to be OK with yourself. It is OK. We all can resist change when we are afraid. What you may want to do now is practice embracing it. Love it, hold it close, and appreciate it for what it is. Hugs, Teri |
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