Replies to '12/27 Extreme Parenting'

Dear Julie: 

I haven't even seen the show yet and my heart is breaking for you and your daughter. I think you are very courageous to have separated from your husband, knowing how hard that had to be. Having read your post, knowing that he is also talking to YOU as he does your daughter, I can see even more that you were wise to step away. 

My father was in the military in the years before I was born. He was not as tough on us as your husband is on your daughter. I never faced the wall. However, he had a problem with anger. When he got mad, he yelled and did on occasion get in my face. There were many times I, too, walked on eggshells around him. My sister would yell back at him. But Mom and I were too scared.  

To this day, if my husband yells at himself (he never yells at me) for doing something boneheaded, I flinch and flash back to those days. At times, I have difficulty expressing my feelings to him because I'm afraid my husband will get mad (again, he never has) and yell at me. So the memories do have power. 

I loved my father very much. He died a terrible, slow death from a terminal illness. After I grew up and left home, he began to let go and we eventually made peace. But it took a few years in therapy for me to sort it all out and to realize I could be confident in myself, that being yelled at was not normal. 

I say all this to tell you that while discipline is important, love is, too. Your daughter needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, even if she messes up. I never had that. And your husband is conveying a totally opposite message. He's telling her he'll love and accept her IF she does certain things. That is a terrible way to grow up. Believe me, I lived it. You don't want her to have to go through that. YOU don't deserve to be talked to in that manner, either. You deserve unconditional love, too. Your "self" is too important to lose. Don't let him take that from you. 

Believe me, I am not an advocate of divorce. I hope you are all able to work this out and to make the necessary changes. But if not, don't let it go on. You and your daughter are worth more than that. 

Dear Julie: 

I haven't even seen the show yet and my heart is breaking for you and your daughter. I think you are very courageous to have separated from your husband, knowing how hard that had to be. Having read your post, knowing that he is also talking to YOU as he does your daughter, I can see even more that you were wise to step away. 

My father was in the military in the years before I was born. He was not as tough on us as your husband is on your daughter. I never faced the wall. However, he had a problem with anger. When he got mad, he yelled and did on occasion get in my face. There were many times I, too, walked on eggshells around him. My sister would yell back at him. But Mom and I were too scared.  

To this day, if my husband yells at himself (he never yells at me) for doing something boneheaded, I flinch and flash back to those days. At times, I have difficulty expressing my feelings to him because I'm afraid my husband will get mad (again, he never has) and yell at me. So the memories do have power. 

I loved my father very much. He died a terrible, slow death from a terminal illness. After I grew up and left home, he began to let go and we eventually made peace. But it took a few years in therapy for me to sort it all out and to realize I could be confident in myself, that being yelled at was not normal. 

I say all this to tell you that while discipline is important, love is, too. Your daughter needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, even if she messes up. I never had that. And your husband is conveying a totally opposite message. He's telling her he'll love and accept her IF she does certain things. That is a terrible way to grow up. Believe me, I lived it. You don't want her to have to go through that. YOU don't deserve to be talked to in that manner, either. You deserve unconditional love, too. Your "self" is too important to lose. Don't let him take that from you. 

Believe me, I am not an advocate of divorce. I hope you are all able to work this out and to make the necessary changes. But if not, don't let it go on. You and your daughter are worth more than that.