Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'

My husband is a wonderful man and treats me great...until the issue involves his parents and then he becomes like a beast.  His parents are nice to my face but then they say mean things about me behind my back.  My husband tells me the things that they say because the things 'concern' him too.  They usually involve everything from my housecleaning skills, to my decisions in how I raise the baby, to how I take care of our dogs, the list could go on forever.  

I can always tell when they've been talking bad about me again because my husband is treating me like crap and nitpicking everything about what I do.  I finally told myself I had had enough and realized that if he wasn't going to stand up for me, I would stand up for myself.    

Since they were never saying these things to my face I didn't think it was my place to stop it.  I told my husband that I would appreciate it from now on if when they start to talk about me he would put an end to it and say if they had a concern or issue with me that they were to bring it up with me.  He said it wasn't his place to do that.  

I told him that until the issue was resolved I didn't want the baby to be left unsupervised around his parents because I couldn't trust what they were saying about me.  He thought that was ridiculous.  I also told him that I no longer felt comfortable around them because I was tired of the backstabbing so anytime they planned on being at our house I would conveniently be gone.  

He got really mad at me for all this and started yelling at me (all this is taking place over the phone by the way because he works so many hours and we never get a chance to talk in person).  Anyway, when he started yelling I calmly asked him to stop.  When he didn't I hung up on him.  He called back and told me never to do that again.  I told him that if he couldn't talk to me without yelling then I would hang up again.  He started yelling again and I hung up again.  After the 3rd time of doing this he learned his lesson and quit yelling at me.  

On two occasions (over a two day period), he invited his parents over without talking to me about it.  I took the baby and left the house.  He called wondering where I was.  I told him when they left I would return home.  He told me that our baby was his too and he wanted her home to see his parents.  I said as long as I couldn't trust them they couldn't see her.  He said that he was the master of the home and his word was final and he was ordering me to come home and it was my place to obey. He told me as far as he was concerned I could return home right then, pack up my stuff and leave.  Now mind you, I'm 8 months pregnant with our second child.  

Well, things blew over and he apologized for all the things he had said, but still he hasn't had a discussion with his parents and I'm worried that all this is going to pop up again.  I asked him to go to counselling with me and he refused.  He said that I was the one with all the problems, not him, so there was no need for him to go.  

As long as we have limited contact with his parents, things are great.  Once they get involved though things go horribly wrong and he's like a different person.  They talk to him, by phone, at least 15 times a day (no lie).  They are extremely controlling and possessive of him.  they want to be involved in every decision he makes for our family.  If he doesn't include them they pout and threaten to cut off all ties with him.  So he caves.  

Meanwhile he's verbally abusive and controlling with me.  If I dare voice my opinion regarding their treatment of me he screams and yells at me and tells me I have serious mental problems and need to seek professional help (end of discussion).  How can I get past this blockade he's put up?  How can I stand up for myself when I know that already he's told me twice to pack up and leave when I go against 'his wishes'?  

I have no support structure around me.  I'm a stay at home mom and live in a city where there's really not a lot for me to get involved in. I don't have friends or family in the area so I'm all on my own in this battle.  And I'm losing. When I give in to them they are happy, but I'm miserable.  What do I do?  

Laura