Replies to 'Setting Boundaries'
|
August 1, 2005, 7:58 pm PDT
 Quote From: pwilt65 Dear Dr. Phil, I am a 2yrs. divorced dad with 3 children, 15, 13, 11. I share custody with their mom 50/50. My fiancee is also divorced, approx 4yrs., but apart about 10yrs, and also shares custody with the dad 50/50. My fiancee's daughter is 18 yrs. old, and also hates me. My fiancee and I recently moved in together. The week before we moved in together, father's day weekend, the 18yr. old was kicked out of her dad's house for irreverant behavior. Well, after nearly 3yrs. of tension and the passed several weeks of living together all heck hit the fan one night. I was forcefully explaining to the young lady that my 11yr. old daughter was feeling intimidated by her. She blasted me with the following; " I don't like you because I have no respect for you, never have and never will. You're a f____ing a__hole and a f____ing d__k! " This was said to me in front of 2 of my children, the 13yr. old and the 11yr. old, as well as her 14yr. old brother and her mother, my fiancee. I blasted her back that she had a nerve not respecting me when she hasn't yet even accomplished anything in her young life, not even completing the 11th grade ( she had to repeat her junior year ). Moreover I hollered, how dare she use language like that towards me, and in front of my children. Even my fiancee was getting into it now, but directing her anger at me. My fiancee never said a disapproving word to her daughter. As the yelling continued I said to the daughter then just GO! Again, this was in front of everyone. It was not a pretty sight. Now my ex-wife doesn't want my kids around my fiancee and is threatening to file for full custody. Likewise, my fiancee's ex is threatening to do the same. My kids do still want to see the both of us, but my wife won't allow it, at least for now. Her daughter wants no part of me, while her son wants less contact with me and my family. Prior to the incident, he had a good relationship with my children and an excellent one with me. My fiancee and I owned up to our bad behavior and apologized to all, but the daughter said she wishes I was dead and she'd say the very same things all over again. How do we ever repair this? We love each other, built a new house for us and the kids, and we waited 2 yrs. for her daughter to graduate before moving in together. We don't want to split up, but don't want to lose our kids either. Please respond. We desperately need your advice. I think you and your fiance need to sit down together and figuring out a plan for your home. Own up to your mistakes and then start working together. You need to set boundaries for your home and stick with them. Talk to all the kids and let them know that you and fiance are toghetehr and this is the way it is going to be and there are rules and boundaries and every one is expected to follow them, As far as the 18 year old, she is old enough to get a job and to get her own apartment, her parents need to figure out a way to get her to do this and that might mean getting out there and picking up some job applications for her and handing them to her and giving her a dead line to find a job, if she is going to live with some one then she needs to hold her own and start taking some responsibility and abiding by the rules. You can also encourage her to get a room mate. As adults, we do need to be careful on what we say to our children for they will remember those words, Maybe do some more apologizing and make it clear that on now ons, things are going to be differnt and no one will disrespect another in your home, it is just as easy to walk a way as it is to speak. Maybe you and your fiance can get some counseling on the issue and get some good advice on what the next step should be, let the family know what you are doing soi they will know that oyu are attempting to get things resolved, maybe they will see it as a positive or they may not, but you can only change your selves. I think you need to start with you and fix what you can, unless there is abuse or some other good reason for the courts to take away your family, that should not be happen here. Your kids can come out of this if they see you and your fiance working together, be positive and keep the lines of communication opened for every one and hold your tongue when things start getting heated up, walk away and go out for a bit, it does help some. |
|
|
August 3, 2005, 10:48 pm PDT
Quote From: pwilt65 Dear Dr. Phil, I am a 2yrs. divorced dad with 3 children, 15, 13, 11. I share custody with their mom 50/50. My fiancee is also divorced, approx 4yrs., but apart about 10yrs, and also shares custody with the dad 50/50. My fiancee's daughter is 18 yrs. old, and also hates me. My fiancee and I recently moved in together. The week before we moved in together, father's day weekend, the 18yr. old was kicked out of her dad's house for irreverant behavior. Well, after nearly 3yrs. of tension and the passed several weeks of living together all heck hit the fan one night. I was forcefully explaining to the young lady that my 11yr. old daughter was feeling intimidated by her. She blasted me with the following; " I don't like you because I have no respect for you, never have and never will. You're a f____ing a__hole and a f____ing d__k! " This was said to me in front of 2 of my children, the 13yr. old and the 11yr. old, as well as her 14yr. old brother and her mother, my fiancee. I blasted her back that she had a nerve not respecting me when she hasn't yet even accomplished anything in her young life, not even completing the 11th grade ( she had to repeat her junior year ). Moreover I hollered, how dare she use language like that towards me, and in front of my children. Even my fiancee was getting into it now, but directing her anger at me. My fiancee never said a disapproving word to her daughter. As the yelling continued I said to the daughter then just GO! Again, this was in front of everyone. It was not a pretty sight. Now my ex-wife doesn't want my kids around my fiancee and is threatening to file for full custody. Likewise, my fiancee's ex is threatening to do the same. My kids do still want to see the both of us, but my wife won't allow it, at least for now. Her daughter wants no part of me, while her son wants less contact with me and my family. Prior to the incident, he had a good relationship with my children and an excellent one with me. My fiancee and I owned up to our bad behavior and apologized to all, but the daughter said she wishes I was dead and she'd say the very same things all over again. How do we ever repair this? We love each other, built a new house for us and the kids, and we waited 2 yrs. for her daughter to graduate before moving in together. We don't want to split up, but don't want to lose our kids either. Please respond. We desperately need your advice. Hi, I am 16 yrs old. And though I am not an adult yet, I will give you my opinion, you dont need to take it, but I'm just putting it out there for you. I think that you and your fiancee need to sit down, and talk about what has been happening. I think you both need to talk to your ex's. I think that you should kick the 18 year old out. I think your fiancee has to realize that her daughter still has some problems accepting a new man in her life. I think that you guys should kick her out, and send her back with her dad, and not allow her into your home until, she gains some more respect for you. Because, it is your house too, and she should respect the both of you. I'm not saying that your fiancee shouldn't see her, but I think that you guys shouldn't allow her back into your house until she starts showing a little more respect and appreciation towards you. I think that your fiancee should sit down and talk to her. Because she is the one causing problems in your household. |
|
|
November 17, 2005, 2:02 pm PST
Quote From: pwilt65 Dear Dr. Phil, I am a 2yrs. divorced dad with 3 children, 15, 13, 11. I share custody with their mom 50/50. My fiancee is also divorced, approx 4yrs., but apart about 10yrs, and also shares custody with the dad 50/50. My fiancee's daughter is 18 yrs. old, and also hates me. My fiancee and I recently moved in together. The week before we moved in together, father's day weekend, the 18yr. old was kicked out of her dad's house for irreverant behavior. Well, after nearly 3yrs. of tension and the passed several weeks of living together all heck hit the fan one night. I was forcefully explaining to the young lady that my 11yr. old daughter was feeling intimidated by her. She blasted me with the following; " I don't like you because I have no respect for you, never have and never will. You're a f____ing a__hole and a f____ing d__k! " This was said to me in front of 2 of my children, the 13yr. old and the 11yr. old, as well as her 14yr. old brother and her mother, my fiancee. I blasted her back that she had a nerve not respecting me when she hasn't yet even accomplished anything in her young life, not even completing the 11th grade ( she had to repeat her junior year ). Moreover I hollered, how dare she use language like that towards me, and in front of my children. Even my fiancee was getting into it now, but directing her anger at me. My fiancee never said a disapproving word to her daughter. As the yelling continued I said to the daughter then just GO! Again, this was in front of everyone. It was not a pretty sight. Now my ex-wife doesn't want my kids around my fiancee and is threatening to file for full custody. Likewise, my fiancee's ex is threatening to do the same. My kids do still want to see the both of us, but my wife won't allow it, at least for now. Her daughter wants no part of me, while her son wants less contact with me and my family. Prior to the incident, he had a good relationship with my children and an excellent one with me. My fiancee and I owned up to our bad behavior and apologized to all, but the daughter said she wishes I was dead and she'd say the very same things all over again. How do we ever repair this? We love each other, built a new house for us and the kids, and we waited 2 yrs. for her daughter to graduate before moving in together. We don't want to split up, but don't want to lose our kids either. Please respond. We desperately need your advice. Why don't you just concentrate on raising your own children and start dating when the youngest turns eighteen. That way you are in total control of what goes on in your home and how it affects your children. It will be the safest place for your kids to be. And the added bonus will be that they won't have to compete for your love with your fiancee or her kids. You have three kids.... it's not ALL about YOU anymore. Just a thought... |
|
Return to the Message Board
