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Replies to 'Abuse'
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August 1, 2005, 7:09 pm PDT
 Quote From: mouser4 Hi all, I can relate some with many of you. I have been married 18 years and have a 5 year old son. Early on, the hubby ran the relationship with his anger and disapproval, I was young and hopeful, and walked on eggshells for a long time, my feelings slowly died, as did I inside. As life became stable, and I approached my mid thirties, we seemed better, he could laugh stuff off rather than get mad or pout, so I thought is would be safe to have kids. So for 5 years I have been a mom at home. When my son was 9 mos. old, I was diagnosed with MS. Big surprise I would get a disease where my own immune system eats at my nerves. But that allowed me to address my anxiety and depression. With prescriptions and therapy, I have gotten much stronger. Of course, with the added stress of parenting, the hubby has reverted to trying to run things with his dissatisfaction. Now I listen daily to criticisms, nags and complaints. If I tell him I don't like listening to his negativity, he says I don't communicate, I don't compliment or appreciate him. He says he is the only one who tries, who changes and who makes any effort. Any complaint of mine is met with accusations that I think I am perfect. Obviously he is insecure, but I am not sure why. He is a big, tall man, hardworking and admired by his peers, but he has an intense need for perfection, he keeps score, finds fault and relishes the mistakes and misfortunes of others. I definitely feel like he is competing with me whether I play or not. Anyone would not appreciate living with the stress he puts out, but with my MS, it can have serious health effects. I have told him so, but again with the games of how only he tries, and I think I am perfect. Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. I definitely used to be a doormat, but have changed that. He still tries like heck to get me to cave into the old ways. I got him to go to counseling for a while, but money issues put that to a halt. And in the end, he only took from it how he thought I needed to change. He says he has no problems by himself, just with me. Also, he has begun nagging our son to be perfect. To perform with being told once. He gets upset when my son chooses me for an activity. He questions my son as to why he wants mom and not dad. He seems to look to my son now to validate his worth. What a burden for a 5 year old! I have told him he needs to be the adult, but he pouts. So, now what do I do? Do I leave? Does staying tell him his behavior is ok? Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done? I don't want to live like this. His moods suck the life out of me, but I hate to break up my son's home. He has many good qualities, hardworking, reliable, faithful. If there is something I can do to turn this around, I'd like to try. I know I can't make him change, can't make him get treatment for what seems to be a depression of his own, but I feel like I haven't tried everything. Dr. Phil says people leave to easily, so have I earned my way out yet? Shall I tell him to get help or I leave? Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help? I am tired of the round and round. Any words of wisdom? M. She has a lot in common with you, and would be a great support. Your son has no protection except for you. Many people deal daily with MS, and don't allow their children to be physically or mentally abused. My heart goes out to you, and your son, but you must stand your ground. Seek legal counsel, and get your husband removed from your household, and a restraining order, until he is in counseling. My father was extremely jealous of me while I was growing up, and was very abusive. I would be in a panic when my mother was gone somewhere, and I was left alone with my father. I was afraid to say much to my mother, in fear of what would happen the next time she was gone and I was alone with him. Later in life we made our peace, which I was glad we did, but that didn't stop the fear I lived with as a child. I hope this helps. Good luck. |
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August 2, 2005, 9:29 am PDT
Quote From: mouser4 Hi all, I can relate some with many of you. I have been married 18 years and have a 5 year old son. Early on, the hubby ran the relationship with his anger and disapproval, I was young and hopeful, and walked on eggshells for a long time, my feelings slowly died, as did I inside. As life became stable, and I approached my mid thirties, we seemed better, he could laugh stuff off rather than get mad or pout, so I thought is would be safe to have kids. So for 5 years I have been a mom at home. When my son was 9 mos. old, I was diagnosed with MS. Big surprise I would get a disease where my own immune system eats at my nerves. But that allowed me to address my anxiety and depression. With prescriptions and therapy, I have gotten much stronger. Of course, with the added stress of parenting, the hubby has reverted to trying to run things with his dissatisfaction. Now I listen daily to criticisms, nags and complaints. If I tell him I don't like listening to his negativity, he says I don't communicate, I don't compliment or appreciate him. He says he is the only one who tries, who changes and who makes any effort. Any complaint of mine is met with accusations that I think I am perfect. Obviously he is insecure, but I am not sure why. He is a big, tall man, hardworking and admired by his peers, but he has an intense need for perfection, he keeps score, finds fault and relishes the mistakes and misfortunes of others. I definitely feel like he is competing with me whether I play or not. Anyone would not appreciate living with the stress he puts out, but with my MS, it can have serious health effects. I have told him so, but again with the games of how only he tries, and I think I am perfect. Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. I definitely used to be a doormat, but have changed that. He still tries like heck to get me to cave into the old ways. I got him to go to counseling for a while, but money issues put that to a halt. And in the end, he only took from it how he thought I needed to change. He says he has no problems by himself, just with me. Also, he has begun nagging our son to be perfect. To perform with being told once. He gets upset when my son chooses me for an activity. He questions my son as to why he wants mom and not dad. He seems to look to my son now to validate his worth. What a burden for a 5 year old! I have told him he needs to be the adult, but he pouts. So, now what do I do? Do I leave? Does staying tell him his behavior is ok? Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done? I don't want to live like this. His moods suck the life out of me, but I hate to break up my son's home. He has many good qualities, hardworking, reliable, faithful. If there is something I can do to turn this around, I'd like to try. I know I can't make him change, can't make him get treatment for what seems to be a depression of his own, but I feel like I haven't tried everything. Dr. Phil says people leave to easily, so have I earned my way out yet? Shall I tell him to get help or I leave? Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help? I am tired of the round and round. Any words of wisdom? M. Perfection is a FARCE! This burns me up -- because my Ex used to do this to my kids. It is like he wanted them to be the perfect mirror of HIM. How people viewed/judged his kids was a reflection on HIM. It was like they were his possessions, not human beings with thoughts and feelings. And I believe there is a balance between letting your children be who they are and training them to be socialable, functional people in society.
Perfection -- What a CROCK!
Here are some answers to your questions...
So, now what do I do? Educate your self about abuse especially verbal and emotional. There is ALOT you can do about it. Get MORE support. If you've lived with hubby for 18 years, then you have 18 years of brainwashing to undo. You need reality checks and options -- support helps with that. You need MORE THAN ONE source so that when one isn't available you move on to another. More support INCLUDE counseling, abuse support groups, family/friends, church/clergy and US or other online message boards. Know your LEGAL RESOURCES -- if you don't them, find out. HAVE A PLAN. Even if you choose not to leave, you STILL need a plan for your life. You need to figure out for yourself how you can STOP letting someone else dictate your mood and "suck the life out of you". You can stop that anytime you like (once you know how).
Do I leave? Not if you feel you haven't done EVERYTHING in your own heart that you know to repair the relationship/fix the problem. Because you have kids, you have to weigh heavily whether your DONE yet or not. The real question you have to ask yourself is: Can I continue to live this way if nothing changes? The answer to that is simple – it’s NO!
Does staying tell him his behavior is ok? Yes, it sure does.
Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done? Yes. Whether you go or stay, you NEED A PLAN.
Have I earned my way out yet? I have to answer this with another question. Have you reached the point where you KNOW in your heart of hearts that hubby is incapable/unwilling to be the kind of man/husband/father you and your son need? Have explored FULLY how YOU contribute to the problems in the relationship and have you fixed those? Once you have a pretty clear answer to those things, you have earned your way out of the relationship.
Shall I tell him to get help or I leave? Not only does HE need help, so do you. You both need SEPARATE counseling. Once you are both stronger and more willing to be the partners EACH OTHER needs then you may need counseling together. And if he won’t go, you go anyway. The reason for that is… because you will repeat these cycles in your next relationship if you don’t figure out how you stay a victim of his abuse.
Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help? No amount of manipulation or coercion is going to “make” him change. He has to WANT to do that himself. He is responsible for HIS happiness. You are responsible for YOURS. Do not allow him to shirk his responsibility to sluffing his unhappiness on to you. As partners, we ARE accountable to our partners for our consistently unpleasant, unproductive, unconstructive behavior. You are NOT to blame for HIS unhappiness/anger/general nastiness. HE is. The same goes for you. Your responsibility to get the help you need to STOP being victimized and that very well may mean leaving.
DO NOT CAVE! Require that he be a better person and if he is incapable/unwilling and you have done ALL you can to rectify your shortcomings, THEN it's time to leave.
Be gentle and, again, Welcome! Q |
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