Replies to 'Balancing Marriage and Family'

Thank you very much for your responce. And you are so right, you do teach people how to treat you. That is what I keep telling myself everyday, but for some reason I really need to get a back bone. Not to put myself down because I know that I am a very intelligent, outgoing, pretty, confident woman. It just seems in this case, I seem to keep thinking that love will conquere all and it hasn't. This past week my husband and I were planning to pull our trailer out to the lake that he was working beside. He only had to go to work for maybe a couple of hours per day, so it was nice and close. We never get to spend time together because we are self employed and always seem to have something on the go. I am currently 8.5 months pregnant, still operate our 5 businesses fulltime and look after our 2 year old son. I look after ALL of the household duties, including maintenance on my own vehicle. I can honestly say that I cannot think of one thing that my husband has to do around the house, not even take out the garbage, feed the dog, mow the lawn or pick up milk at the store. And not to say that my husband is not a hard worker, because he is. But he has the very old fashioned view of division of work. And because I do not pull a paycheque from our companies, I technically do not have a job other then looking after my son, which to him is nothing! I was really looking forward to just having time to play with my son, which I never get to do, before the next baby comes, and not having any other responsibilities.He went ahead and invited his sisters two children out to the lake, thinking that this was no more work for me. We have already taken them a total of 6 weeks in 2005 alone, and he does not do anything other then be the fun uncle every now and then, when he is not at work. I have to look after them completely while I am still working. they tag along with me, and complain the whole time that they are bored. I feel so badly for them. If we are going to take them then we should have things planned to do with them. But for me there is  more cooking, more cleaning, more laundry, etc. It is a big jump from 1 kid to 3 kids. When I mentioned that I was not too happy about taking them, he lost it. Went on about how I don't like kids, or his family. Told me that his whole family and all of his friends hate me. That he cannot see me in his life forever, and on and on with many other hurtful things. This was the night before we were supposed to leave and he went in to the city to stay at his sisters house over night and would not answer his phone or phone me to tell me where he was. When he came back, I did nothing but ask him if he was going to pull the trailer out to the lake or if I should get my father because I was still going. Then he decides to come, and then I find out that he had also asked about 8 of his friends, and his grandmother and mother to come. I was fine with the friends because they can look after themselves but I was a bit nervous about my MIL. The week went by, and his friends didn't end up coming out, and my son and I had a great time, and my husband and I barely talked for the first three days. He stayed at work longer then he needed too, probably to avoid us, which was fine by me because my son and I had a great time together. We talked very briefly and basically came to an understanding that yes we love each other and want to be together but I could not bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him or even be close to him and look him in the eye because it would just make me cry. I am so hurt from everything that he said that I don't trust that you can do that to someone and still love them. How could he not see that I am getting tired and runned down at 8 months pregnant. If I say anything then I am a whiner. I, in my heart of hearts, do not believe that he could love me. I on the other hand have never waivered on my love for him. But then that baffles me also, how could I love someone that talks to me that way. Anyway, his mother came out yesterday morning and as soon as she got there I could see his attitude change. I was being very pleasant to her, and I love his granny, so that is not an issue. And I went about my day. My son was misserable with too much sun and excitement, and would take a nap. So he was crying and throwing a fit and my husband starts in about wanting supper and wanting it now. I told him that it was already started and I couldn't do anything until the potatos on the bbq were partly done. I told him if he thought that there was something that could be done in the meantime then he could go ahead and do it, of course I know being the one that always cooks dinner, that at that point it was just a waiting game. So I continued to attend to my son. He laid into me, infront of my MIL, about how he does everything. "So now I am not only the one that brings in all the money in the house and works for a living, but I have to cook and clean and look after my son, while you sit on your big fat ass". I was in shock. I could not believe that he would do this infront of other people. Thank goodness granny is almost deaf, she just sat there and smiled. His mother jumped up, of course feeling wierd about the situation, and offered to help. And I told them no, that everything was under control and if Tom was not patient then he could go get a burger at the concession. So he did, and I continued to cook dinner, and when he got back the 3 of them ate that too, and I went for a walk. I was so mad and hurt, and angry. But I did not want to show it infront of my son or give my MIL the satisfaction. Then my husband went to bed at 7pm because he was tired because we all know how hard he works and he needs his sleep. And he didn't put down any of the beds that I asked him too, because I can't get them down with a baby in my tummy, but I was being a wimp and should suck it up and be a better hostess as far as he was concerned.  

My son was up all night and then up at the crack of dawn this morning. So I went for a walk. I was damned if I was going to cook them all breakfast. Then my husband cooks breakfast, and acts as though I put them all out. He got called out to work when I was on my walk and as soon as I got back, which I wasn't even gone for long, maybe 30 minutes, he was starting to pack up camp because we had to leave sooner then expected. At this point I still did not understand what the rush was, because even though I was asking he never told me he got called out to work. All he would say is that "some of us have to work for a living". Which he had told me he had to go in today but not until much later, so I still did not understand the rush. Again, all of these comments were infron of my MIL. When the trailer was all hooked up, he made my son and I walk a mile up a hill with our big dog pulling us the whole way because he said that there was not enough room in the vehicle. My vehicle was parked in the parking lot at the top of this hill. Then, he left the car seat on the side of the road because he said I took to long getting up the hill and he couldn't wait for me. He waited a whole 10 minutes. Like a 8 month pregnant lady and a 22 month old and a german shephard are going to be able to walk as fast as a truck. And he always tell me to "give my head a shake". He dropped his mother and granny at their vehicle as well and left. So when I got there they were waiting to say goodbye, and I had tears in my eyes and she just came over and touched my face and told me to take care of myself. After she left, it just made me ball. How horrible that the woman who thinks so negatively about marriage should have to see that. As well as her son act that way towards his wife. When I got home, he was here showering, getting ready to go to work, which I didn't understand because he was apparently supposed to go straight there. That is what the big rush wash. But instead he drives one and a half hours home to drive an hour back.  he starting yelling at me about how I shouldn't have come home, that he wished I would have gone somewhere else, etc. Then I was standing in a doorway, and he got so mad at me that he slammed the door on me shoving the handle right into my tummy, oh did it hurt. I know he wasn't thinking, but it scared me. And I told him that and he started going on about whether or not I wanted more. It scared me something fierce. I didn't know what to do. I was crying and at that point, all I was thinking is "this is over" I will not put up with this. Just like that. I have tried to be loving and patient and kind, and try to show him for 6 years that love doesn't have to hurt and when do you say enough is enough. My children come first. They really do. And I know I love my husband and I would love to fix all of his "issues" but is that really my place. When he is loving he really is. And I know that alot of this is for fear of me leaving. I know that in my heart of hearts. Because when he came back last night from the concession he tried to come over and hug me and joke and I politely pushed him back and quietly told him to give me space and that I was not ready to listen to it. After that he  was all pissed off again. the one thing that I have figured out with him is that his anger is purely out of fear. And he does not like to be volunerable. But really how much do I take. I don't think it will be easy to leave. And then where do I go. I am the pregnant one, with a kid. Should I be leaving or am I just giving up way to soon. He will not go to counselling, I have tried that one in the past. He says that they did numbers on his mother so he doesn't trust them. which I can see from experience. Not to mention that he does not like discussing his issues with other people. Of course he has no problem speaking his mind infront of friends and family.  I just really need someones opinion here, because this is snowballing on me. Do I need a backbone or should I be trying to stand beside my husband and help him through this time???