Replies to 'Fears, Phobias and Anxiety Disorders'
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November 2, 2005, 5:11 pm PST
 Quote From: storyofmyl My name is Tannie,I'm a 39yr old Afr.Am.Woman.I have a FEAR of DRIVING and I WANT SO BADLY to overcome this.I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I feel ashamed and embarrassed just about everyday of my life. I have let the fear of making a mistake keep me from driving.It's not that I don't want to drive,but I can't even make myself just get in a car and attempt to drive.I wish I had the courage,I would like to get my first drivers license before my 40th birthday,Dec.16,2005. I am so disapointed in myself for not being able to move pass my fears.I grew up an only child in a home with a alcoholic father who verbally abused my mother.Every word that she heard,I heard.Every tear she cried, I cried even more.Sometimes it felt like we were the only two people in the world.I cried more between the age of 8-14 than some do in a lifetime.We left our home a "few"times thru the years, to get away from him.We would stay with relatives,during this time I was molested by 2 young men who were friends of the family.My mother did the best that she could but I never felt safe.Today,both my parents are deceased.I have been married to my wonderful husband Eddie for almost 18yrs,Dec.19,2005.We had infertility problems for close to 15yrs and this did not help the way I was feeling.In Feb. of 2003,God gave us a miracle,I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl.I named her Spirit. We don't have alot,but Spirit is a light of hope that was needed for so long,she gave me a sense of purpose in my life.I want to be all that my family needs me to be.Not driving has kept me from living my most productive life,I have had to set limits on myself. I have a lack of "drive" for fear of failure.I don't want to live this way !! Thru the years of wanting a baby, I thought having a baby would make every saddness go away,but it is not that simple. I had worked since I was16,now I enjoy being a stay home mom,but soon I will need to get a job . I need to be able to drive myself ,I don't want to depend on others for a ride. I don't know anyone who is AFRAID to drive.WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I believe that there is more to this than just me not driving, but how can I get help without money. I have isolated myself from friends and family,I don't want my child to grow up in this "BOX"with me. I have written to DrPhil and Ms.O for help,but I know I got lost in the millions. IT'S ALL UP TO ME. Please Pray For My Strength Hi Tannie....You're right on target with believing that's there more to your fear of driving, than just driving....Also, it is indeed ALL up to you (don't ya just hate that!). So, you've already begun to solve your problem. Really. There's alot of people out there that haven't figured out what you have already figured out! You're on the right path! Plus, ya got God on your side! (He's a very good person to have on your team I hear!) Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Oprah and Dr. Phil, ( I think they should run for office.) but I wouldn't sit around wasting preciouse time waiting for them to come to your rescue. All they can do is give you the tools to solve your problems. Like you said, "It's all up to you". There are ALOT of books out there that can help you. Could you get your husband or someone to take you to a bookstore? It does indeed sound like you have some other issues. You are obviously dealing with alot. Molestation, alcoholic father. I don't have a clue about how being molested messes ya up. Just from hearing shows on Oprah. It sounds like it can really be another whole issue. I'm far from being an expert, but in general, I think all of the "tragedies" that happen to us when we are young, manifest or create basically the same problems in all of us. For example: low self-esteem, people-pleasing, perfectionism, negative thinking, over-eating, over-drinking, over-working, over-shopping and the list goes on and on. Like Oprah says, all of these are just a sympton that there is something else going on. And you have already figured that out. I've been involved with therapy, 12 step groups for quite awhile. They really do help if you're willing to do the work. I've found that having support is extremely important. Someone to bounce things off of. I am far from being "cured". But I keep plugging away. Today in fact, I'm starting to read a book about anxieties. It was recommended by a therapist. It seems to touch on every negative, self-defeating behavior I have. It is a workbook also. The author suggests activities at the end of every chapter. Activities that will challenge this self-defeating behavior. He suggest that you study each chapter at least 1 week. I'm actually kinda excited to begin. The name of the book is:ANXIETY, PHOBIAS, & PANIC. A Step-by-Step Program for Regaining Control of Your Life. The author is: Reneau Z. Peurifoy, M.A., M.F.C.C. It's published by Warner Books. It's not on the bookshelves. I had to have the bookstore order it for me. I'm sure there are many others out there, but I have had this book for a while (procrastination, another issue) and decided to read it. I hope I have been of some help. You can learn to cope with all of your issues. It can be hard, painful and a pain in the but, but not doing anything is more painful. Take care, Mary |
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November 2, 2005, 5:31 pm PST
Quote From: storyofmyl My name is Tannie,I'm a 39yr old Afr.Am.Woman.I have a FEAR of DRIVING and I WANT SO BADLY to overcome this.I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I feel ashamed and embarrassed just about everyday of my life. I have let the fear of making a mistake keep me from driving.It's not that I don't want to drive,but I can't even make myself just get in a car and attempt to drive.I wish I had the courage,I would like to get my first drivers license before my 40th birthday,Dec.16,2005. I am so disapointed in myself for not being able to move pass my fears.I grew up an only child in a home with a alcoholic father who verbally abused my mother.Every word that she heard,I heard.Every tear she cried, I cried even more.Sometimes it felt like we were the only two people in the world.I cried more between the age of 8-14 than some do in a lifetime.We left our home a "few"times thru the years, to get away from him.We would stay with relatives,during this time I was molested by 2 young men who were friends of the family.My mother did the best that she could but I never felt safe.Today,both my parents are deceased.I have been married to my wonderful husband Eddie for almost 18yrs,Dec.19,2005.We had infertility problems for close to 15yrs and this did not help the way I was feeling.In Feb. of 2003,God gave us a miracle,I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl.I named her Spirit. We don't have alot,but Spirit is a light of hope that was needed for so long,she gave me a sense of purpose in my life.I want to be all that my family needs me to be.Not driving has kept me from living my most productive life,I have had to set limits on myself. I have a lack of "drive" for fear of failure.I don't want to live this way !! Thru the years of wanting a baby, I thought having a baby would make every saddness go away,but it is not that simple. I had worked since I was16,now I enjoy being a stay home mom,but soon I will need to get a job . I need to be able to drive myself ,I don't want to depend on others for a ride. I don't know anyone who is AFRAID to drive.WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I believe that there is more to this than just me not driving, but how can I get help without money. I have isolated myself from friends and family,I don't want my child to grow up in this "BOX"with me. I have written to DrPhil and Ms.O for help,but I know I got lost in the millions. IT'S ALL UP TO ME. Please Pray For My Strength You know, sometimes I would get stuck in my house for weeks at a time. I also get afraid to drive, afraid when anyone leaves the house, afraid of my dreams and even afraid that my fears are really preminitions.
I tried religion, meditation, medication..etc. First of all, it CAN get better. Much better. I began to understand that I had a lot of 'crutches' for dealing with pain and fear in my past (I was sexually abused as a child). As I went through therapy I began to lose the ability to rely on things that used to distract me from my fears (alcohol, sex, relationship addictions...) When I recognized that I couldn't fit those behaviors into the life I was living I got rid of them. The problem was, all that was left was FEAR. I had finally come face to face with it.
There are a number of ways I dealt with it:
1) I prayed about it and asked God to send me help.
2) I took time to think about my thoughts. I thought "these fears are unfounded", "I can do this", "millions of people do this everyday". If I started having negative thoughts I would say to myself "just because you are thinking this, doesn't make it real" or "Is this what I am really afraid of?"
3) I took a break from watching the news and programs that had disasters as topics.
4) I ate well, exercised and tried to force myself to get some rest.
5) I started seeing a chiropractor that did a neuro-modulation technique that helped my mind and body work more efficiently. It was supposed to help balance out my hormones and increase absorption of vitamins in food and a bunch of other things. My understanding is that my body was still reacting on a 'fight or flight' level or 'panic state'. All kinds of hormones and responses were happening in my body when they shouldn't be. Well, I don't know how it worked but I noticed less panic afterwards.
6) I started giving myself permission to enjoy things in life. I started by taking chances and letting people in. I didn't want to be a needy friend or a doormat so I took things slowly. But, my life coach made me do something drastic. She made me go up to a perfect stranger and ask them for help. In my case, I went up to a person and asked them to pump my gas for me because the fumes made me naseous when I was pregnant. She said I had to learn to ask for what I needed and to love myself enough to accept the gift of someone's help. That was a huge moment for me! After that, I began letting my friends back in my life and asking for help when I needed it so that I didn't gradually become helpless and needy.
Well, I could go on but I won't.
Just know that you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you that love won't cure. Love life, love yourself.
And if you need help, let me know - LMK |
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