Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'

dmetrimom 

 

I hope that this posting is not too late and that you will read it. I am sad to see that there have not been many replies to your posting. This is my first visit to the site. I am from Cape Town; we only got our internet connection this weekend (therefore the late reply). 

 

I can read from your posting that your heart is bleeding. I have gone through the same battle on trying to forget. Just that. To forget is the most difficult and sometimes people do not understand what you go through unless they have been through the same.  The reply you got mentioned effective boundaries:

 

 …”I suggest that you practice setting boundaries and letting go... there is nothing you can do about her or her behaviour.  But you can tell her to "butt out"…

 

It is such good advice, but I would like to take it a step further.

 

Firstly I would like to applaud your husband for the stand he is taking. Not all men do. You should thank him for it. Remember to tell him that you understand it is also difficult for him to stand up to his mother, and that you appreciate that he has decided to do so. You need to boost him for taking the stand. In future it will pay off for both of you. Tell him how much you appreciate him. Not only will it benefit your relationship but it will also strengthen his bond with you.  On the other hand the respondent mentioned that YOU should tell her to but out. She needs to hear that regularly, BUT NOT FROM YOU. It will only spark emotions from her side which would divide the two of you further. Your husband needs to tell her  what she NEEDS TO HEAR when the three of you are sitting around a table calmly and willing to listen to each others needs. (Remember:  what she needs to hear is what you both decided to voice. Your input and his guidance is crucial. He needs to know what you need him to say to her and he knows how to approach her.) He should also explain to her the situation the way you both see it and why she needs to respect your decisions and have to take a step outside. Parents need to understand that they are only needed when asked for. No more than observers and only supporters. You are now the main decision makers of your family. She needs to respect that no matter what you do. She needs to hear from your husband in front of you that he trusts you with the children and she should support your parenting style and that he is proud of you for doing a difficult job when he is not there. Not attack it. When you both talk to her calmly you need only to “hmm...” and “auha…”.  The importance of this process is the openness of it all.  She needs to see you two are a unit functioning as one. Just as your children should see that. Otherwise she will always run to him behind your back just like the children. This will leave you with no control over your relationship with her. This will help you gain some form of control.

 

Secondly, my journey through trying to forget, made me realise a few important facts. This is what I got from our situation.  Hope that you will be able to benefit from it.

 

-                      Always remember that his parents will always be his responsibility. (His blood his problem; your blood your problem. Your children – both parents’ problem/responsibility and no none else’s!!!) This means that you can feel free from pressure from her side. You have no long-term history nor investment in her. You are free from her. She is only a connection through marriage.  What she says, does or thinks, should not put pressure on your soul. She did not supply you with a good upbringing, values or made you who you are today. This (to you) means that what she says has a specific meaning in a specific situation within a specific frame… but:  it has NO VALUE! The boundary here is this: your thought pattern needs to be adjusted. This is how you do it:

o         Identify your most inner circle: e.g. you and your husband

o         Identify your inner circle: e.g. your children

o         Identify your outer circle: e.g. your family

o         Further outer circle: e.g. your most treasured friends

o         The last circle: e.g. All the people you know because of the relationships you have with all the above: e.g. in-laws.

Your inner circle will carry most of your spiritual investment within yourself. Your outer circles are only people you reach out to. She can not be objective. Therefore she can not be part of your inner circle. (She might be for your husband. But; only if she could prove to be an objective observer within). You have a choice of how much you allow her to enter into your circles. How much you allow her to steal your energy. Therefore, what she says has meaning to herself, but you decide what meaning and value it will have in your life. That helps a lot with the forgetting process. Try and remember what you can decide to allow to enter your mind. As that is the most important boundary! You need your energy for your family. To build on your relationships. Without any energy you will loose half the journey!

 

Thirdly, you are hurt. You need to be nurtured and cared for. You need to be hugged and when you are hugged you need to talk and when you talk you need to cry. You need to be HEARD by the people who love you without feeling that you gossip about her. You need to talk to the people that love you, about the hurt you are experiencing without being judged and without fear that they will turn it against you and without feeling that you are judged for ‘spreading gossip’ about your in-law. If that person is your husband (or parents), tell him/them you need to talk and will not want them to fix your problem, but just listen and cry with you and agree with you. Try not to choose a friend. They easily judge and mention what the problem is. You need to control who you talk to. You need to be safe when you talk. You need to talk. The more I voiced my problem the stronger I felt inside. Now I can talk to others about the situation and laugh about it without any guilt. Because others (specific inside circle identified people) were willing to listen and cry with me.

 

The last tip I would like to give you is this. Strong boundaries only come from strong knowledge of oneself and from a truly happy and at peace spirit. You need to dig in your youth for the things that you dreamed of doing one day after finishing school. I have always wanted to do sign language. This year I did. It gave me a sense of energy and self worth. You are the most important person who will make very important decisions in your children’s lives. You need to look after you first to be able to look after them. This is the way to do it. Go to dancing classes, gym, language classes, pottery… something creative. Something of value to put on your resume. He needs to support you on this as well. This is going to be the time that you will send healing. Do that selfishly in that hour of the week!

 

Also, write the letter you want to write, and read it out loud as many times as you can. Never post it and burn it when you are ready. If your husband is willing. Let him read it. Otherwise just keep it to yourself. You will get over this. BUT IT DOES TAKE TIME. You need to sleep at night. But that will only come if you work through your emotions. She will make you sick to your stomach. Remind yourself not ever to do that to someone else. That is the lesson from all of this!

 

You do not need her approval. It is difficult not to have. We all hurt from others. The ones that hurt the most, heals the best and gives back to others in the most pure way. You could be like that. Just remember  “who you are and where you are going to”!!!!

 

Please let me know how you are! Best of luck. I hope you all could heal from this.

Dx

I am in a similar situation...I too cry and get upset and use alot of energy being angry with her (MIL)...Anyway, it will depend on your MIL....My husband and I went through counseling (due to his mom) and in the last session we invited his mom and dad along in hopes of reconciling.....She flat out told me that she likes her life the way it is and that she will not deal with conflict.....she will run everytime, that is why she can't be around me....So, in the meantime she had given up the right to spend time with my daughter....She says that I can't be around when she spends time with her, she needs to have her one on one...I guess she just loses out then!  Bummer for her.  I still get mad when I think about it (which is often) I have been trying to realize that this is just a power trip on her end..I am spending more time with my husband and daughter and making sure that we all function well....I think the more energy I put into other things the easier it will get....

Why do we feel the need to have our MIL's approval and acceptance.  I am so angry at mine that like her I would love just to walk up to her and slap her.  I am very out spoken and would love to speak my mind, however, it would cause so much friction in the family.  However, the emotional rollercoaster that trying to get them to understand how they act.  My husband tells me that she doesn't realize how she acts that is just her.  If that is true, then why can't I accept her for who she is and move on?  She is so dysfunctional that I have lost every ounce of respect for her.  I don't know if I could ever respect her again.  But that hurts me, not her.  I want to love her, I want to respect her and vise versa.  However, I don't see that happening anytime soon.  I completely relate to your feelings and what you are going through.  Good luck.